In a perfect world, you wouldn't be here.

Top of the morning gents,

I've frequently heard the preamble to many stupid arguments, poor justifications and flawed logic, "in a perfect world." Well, I'm sorry to report, despite your policeman's cynicism, we live in a perfect world. We're not stuck in Yemen, Saudi Arabia, nor Venezuela. Additionally, Russia and China aren't on our bucket list of tourist destinations, we're simply stuck in the antithesis of perfection: Alaska. When a Brahman priest reaches Nirvana, a state of enlightenment, he sees and feels the world is perfect, exactly as it is. I can still hear bitching from really old cops and older friends in dispatch and the squad room.

It is a wonderful world. Yes it's a movie title and our world ain't total shit, but yer lives ain't all cupcakes and cocaine neither. Our world is just a place to watch subgroups of first nation subhumans try to out-victim each other and bitch loudest in the Whine-O-Seven. Natives are crying like klivet-bitches that they got the shaft, whereas we hear niggers griping fer free shit and free reparations from the federal government, the state of California and kype my tax refunds. I say fuck 'em all. Recalling my more stupid stunts involving sexual assault, homicide hobbies and play-acting in crime scene masterpiece theater, I may have done exactly that.

Alaska Natives got ANCSA, realization of the Trans-Alaska Pipeline and free IHS health care from President Nixon. Without state or federal assistance and all by themselves, they got crooked drunk walking patterns and children with goofy eyes and no teefs. Niggers got really big stinky whale vaginas, welfare, crack babies, super high rates of maggot infested abortions and thankfully, really short black lives. I have yet to hear Japanese immigrants gripe about a damn thing and they suffered internment camps, which is politically correct terminology for concentration camps, here in America during World War II.

Concentration camps with nicer labels than Buchenwald, Dachau, Auschwitz and Birkenau, but still mass imprisonment suffering high rates of disease and death. Internment camps during WW II did the same for Asians as it did for Jews. Loss of homes and property resulting in both financial and constitutional bankruptcy. For all my shitty Asian humor, the gooks, slopes, dinks and zipper-heads have been cool as shit stand-up motherfuckers. Tough people and survivors. From their tiny ricey mouths we haven't heard a peep and collectively, set a pretty fucking good example of tolerance and forgiveness living amongst us uglier, stinkier and louder hominids.

Every April 20th I remember the Nazi Holocaust. After World War II the Jewish populations of Europe were finally granted a homeland and the British and Americans rounded up and cleared away a whole shit-pot full of religious, fanatical, illiterate sand niggers and presto, we have Israel. Analogous to a really high-dollar Indun Reservation, just sandier and closer to the Mediterranean Sea. The next time we hear stoner kids mention the slogan "420 bro" remind them that they're commemorating Adolf Hitler's birthday, April 20, 1889. This date is revered in prisons, trailer parks and gun shows by Aryan Brothers, Neo Nazis, hillbillies, bikers and bigoted racist survivalists who read and quote the Turner Diaries like it's a fucking bible. Stupid pot smokers might need to sober up and learn history.

Biblical researchers, theological expert consultants and the best religious scholars all agree that Palestine was the birthplace and homeland of the Indestructible Jews. I'm cool with that. To insure permanent residence and security we covertly funneled Israel top-secret nuclear missiles and timely updates on America's most devastating military technology. With the caveat they never admit to shit nor threaten their neighbors. Keep mum. Uncle Sam's got yer back.

If their secret commandos (Mossad) need fake ID's, we let them piggy-back perfect copies of blue passports owned by American citizens to surreptitiously move around the world freely, with antisemitic racists and bigots in their gun sights, and kill shit. Since it's easier to alter an operator's face to an existing passport photo then it is to adjust the original photo to fit the secret agent, we fly our best Hollywood make-up artists to Jerusalem and simply decorate Krav Maga trained Hebrew operatives and spies and American supported death squads until their faces look identical to the unknowing Americans' passport photos.

The State Department has millions of faces to offer the Mossad, letting them choose American photos for Hebrew commandos. Simple, choose American passport photos that most closely resemble their miserable Heeb ugly mugs, print duplicate passports, then fly around the world and kill asshole terrorists, jihad goat fuckers and Nazi War criminals, leaving innocent tourist paper trails pointing to a banker in New York or Steven Spielberg. Sometimes Israel will take out bad guys that America has secretly green-lit fer target and dick smokage. I'll admit, sometimes all that's left is smoked dicks, laying in a heap o' crispy camel jockey remains and in my perfect world, we'd decorate our Christmas trees with these tiny cookoo little smoked dicks smelling of jihad goat pussy.

After reading every book and article on spectacular assassinations, it would be wonderful if the Israeli Mossad were the secret conspirators behind blowing JFK's brains all over Dealy Plaza in Dallas, Texas on November 22, 1963. The CIA could never attempt to pull off such a sweet piece of work on domestic soil, or abroad, they're too incompetent. Of course Lee Oswald is the lone nutter shooter we've tagged and bagged, but the black and white Zapruder Film footage sure as shit illustrates a sweet, high-impact head wound, grape jelly launch and pink mist coming from the opposite direction. Just a thought.

One of our own citizens from Kotzebue tried to board a plane at Alaska Airlines, in disguise. A young man wanted by KPD, AST and the Courts and in effort to thwart the warrants on his ass, he put on an outfit that completely fooled the cab drivers, town folks and airport staff. Robert Fleming undertook a drag queen dress-up, make-up and all, then went to the airport to flee the Kikikpigrunt Spit. He was a beautiful lady.

One of our own coffee and cigarette smoking comrades, following a hunch, hopped in a KPD patrol car and took a stroll through the Alaska Airlines lobby fer a sneak and peak. Nush quickly spotted Mr. Fleming, I mean Mrs. Fleming, with make-up and fine sexy garb, and arrested him on the spot. The arrest made statewide news and when asked how Nush knew he'd found his suspect, he artfully dodged the pitfalls of trick questions from the press. Side-stepping fag-trap homophobic gaff prone inquiries from the radio and newspapers, Nush politely stated that Mr. Fleming was in his highschool class and he'd quickly recognized him.

Here's a nightmare scenario. Imagine if more of our wanted suspects and defendants tried that shit, we'd be screwed. Shave their beards, cut and dye their hair, cake on drag queen make-up, strap on some sexy lingerie and a skirt, then presto, yer Boy George, wheels up and headed to Anchorage, Scott free. Okay, maybe we wouldn't be screwed, we'd be explaining to Judge Erlich that we lost a suspect and can't seem to locate the motherfucker.

If Chip Hailstone, Robert Evak or Chuck Criss did more than suck nads, chew globs and inhale spooge way up their asses, insofar as to don gay apparel like ugly Madonnas, dickless, fruit and fag would effectively throw off the cops, dogs and courts. Shit, that'd leave us looking real stupid, holding our dicks with stacks of un-served arrest warrants. I shudder at the thought. Reading about Robert Fleming's recent death in the NANA memorial page, I wondered what outfit he was buried in. But not cause of death. That would be too gross and I'm not interested.

Speaking of arresting faggot natives. One of my oldest friends and a foster mutts to the Goulsbies told me a tale that's sure to piss ye off. It's an arrest for criminal DUI and attempted homicide. Shane Hildreth was fucked up and racing around Nig-Spit-Ruck, running down pedestrians. One such pedestrian was Gracie Allen walking home from "gone visiting", not knowing needle-dicked bitch-boy, Shane Hildreth had decided to convert 3rd Avenue into his personal raceway and human slalom course. He ran over Gracie Allen and nearly injured her fatally. The police responded to the DUI and speeding sno-go, found the injured native woman laying on the road. The cops then heard Shane Hildreth turn around way down by the airport and head back with the sno-go throttle wide open, aiming for Gracie Allen, laying injured on the street, or the cops.

The copper that kept his wits and a killer right hook, stepped aside as Shane Hildreth raced directly at them, and as he passed by, put his arm out and clothes-lined Shane off the snow machine, breaking his helmet, and bruising his poor little faggot face and pussy neck. The rest of the shock wave that transmitted through his body likely felt like he was raped by a tall Finn, then used as a leather high kick, body blow punching bag. Shane awoke in jail, Gracie awoke in the old MMC emergency room and the sno-go awoke, flipped, broken and trashed in the fenced impound area next to the poop-caked dog kennels, aside the old jail.

Shane was convicted of several felony and misdemeanor crimes and spent his sexual awakening years in Anvil Mountain Correctional Center. Rumor has it that he can rip yer dick off, reset a rack of bowling pins or open a bottle of pop with his anus. Gracie suffered considerable weather related aches and even more arthritis pains. None slowed her down though. The summer after this incident, she was across the sound at Sisaulik, camping and subsisting. Her boyfriend Bobby and the kids took off to hunt while she did whatever native women do at camp. Maybe read the bible and masturbate, but in the middle of her hand washing and deodorizing the beach, she spotted a seal resting on the beach.

With crippled arms she fetched a big log and with crippled legs she hobbled down the beach and smashed the seal's head in. When Bobby (Robert Harris) and the boys returned from hunting, empty-handed, she was cooking and cleaning a fresh-kilt seal. The boys were dumbfounded when she told them "I seen seal on the beach just sleeping, so I kill it." Bobby's only comment was, "Man, yer a better hunter than me." I'm thinking she should take that same log to Shane Hildreth's puny skull and save us all a heap o' grief. I'm further suggesting she do the same to Merci Ann's and Shane's retarded kids. Raise the IQ for an entire race of mud-dwarfs.

If yer stupid enough, you'll watch conventional television or listen to news-talk radio. Don't. You'll barf yer face off hearing shit about drag queen school teachers, gender reassignment, gay rights, AIDS research funding, trans-gender identity, bitchy pussy and sewn-up ass packing. I'm now afraid to drive a Pontiac Trans-Am because it's the new trans-fag-ride coveted by men that shave their poonus and tuck their scrotum outa sight. I'm also sick of hearing how we discriminate against cross-dressers, ass-sucking queers and lesbian dike monsters because we won't rent them our apartments and homes. These sicklets also complain we won't let them groom our children to lick poop dick nor address them with grotesquely non-binary titles such as stitched butt-nibblers, sutured she-males or HIV cluster-fucks. I'm at a loss cuz Adams Apples on scary chicks, hairy asses and poopy butts are my personal wood-kill. Okay, take a quick puke break.

Now here's a disturbing thought: every lesbian, black douche leaking sissy, surgically transformed crotch pocket, gay scum-bag, bisexual babysitter, butcher knife squatter and lawn mower molester has the right to vote. The only factor limiting a citizen in America the right to cast a ballot is if they are a convicted felon. Since this is a microscopic part of the general population, we have to assume that every freak and hairy, dyke and fairy, drag queen and shit-colored jiggaboo is registered automatically to vote when they update their drivers license and even more disturbing, sees themselves as patriots.

Patriots that vote, eat feces, wear darker'n shit skin and really big labia rect-lips in public, breed puny brained ghetto rodents and vote for welfare benefits like food stamps, not candidates. Last time I ate Food Bank Foods, my lips got really big, my skin darkened, trailers appeared bigger and my sister started looking real fine. You coppers isolated here on Alaskan muds should feel like you're Rip Van Winkle waking after decades sleeping off one of your all-time 10 best hangovers like Abraham Lincoln. When he woke from a devastating drunken bender he asked, "I freed the who?"

In the last presidential election we witnessed a coalesced consensus of voters that vastly outnumber white, working, conservative voters. I mean WAY outnumbered. All the minorities combined add up to a larger percentage of the United States population than us old, white, gun-owning, meaner'n shit rednecks. I guess I have to exercise more broad-mindedness, adjust my views and accept a changing political climate. Old white-trash geezers like me have great difficulty witnessing a rapidly changing world and even harder time seeing how this new political landscape is still a perfect world. A perfect world ruled by freely elected slave descendants, reservation Indun mud-skins, mongoloid aborigine voting blocks and sexually awakening weirdos that used to get locked up, shot and buried or banished to reservations or sent to other states like Alaska, forced to accept undesirable deviants, perverts, shit-suckers and infant spoogers. Alaska don't need teachers nor clergy that bad.

I'm a retard and I sure as shit lack enlightenment. I was counseled by a cellmate that the world is perfect exactly as it is. My retort was that we were in jail and I had a dislocated jaw, tender ribs and herniated stomach from heavy-weight punches. He laughed and told me that once we accept that prison can be our sanctuary, our hellish existence here on Earth will change. Or end. I was fixin' to pitch a bitch when he put his hand up to shush me and told me, "Carlos. Shut. Up." "God does not make mistakes."

We could all point out a million fucking examples of shit we dislike. I can't stand anything LGBT Q+ or child molesters nor dog fuckers like the Kivilina Hawley ancestors. Camel and goat fuckers crack me up cuz I once climbed behind a cow and before I started fucking, I politely asked the cow, "Let me know if I hurt you honey." Never in a million years will a tall Finn ever cause a 1000 pound farm animal any vaginal discomfort. See? You're grinning like grandmother fuckers too. Not that every grandmother's got a cow's vagina nor asks you, "It is in yet?" Just saying.

My pal from jail had been locked up for years longer than I. He was a Jew and could take his sufferings like a champ. He'd weep and wail when he was dragged back to our cell, but he'd find his center, meditate on his creator's plans for him, then focus on getting back up on his bleeding broken feet. It's real fucking hard to whine like an amateur wanna-be American agent, rightly arrested and badly mistreated when some of these foreign intelligence operatives sleeping next to and listening to my tales, received far worse treatment than my sorry butt.

To make sense of our miserable fucking existence, my pals would share jokes with me that impart a tremendous pile of wisdom. My stoic Jewish cellmate advised me a method of putting things into perspective with Biblical humor. He paused, thought for a minute, then re-phrased an Old Testament joke that applies to you graying gunslingers and our homes anchored to soggy thawing perma-shit. My Hebrew cellmate started with his usual preamble, "Carlos, let me tell you something."

"God was bored so He created the universe. But that was boring too. So God created Adam and Eve. But God was still super bored. So God created the rest of the human race. And even then He was really fucking bored. So God created Alaska. He hasn't stopped laughing since."

I needed to share that with you old killers. On planet Earth there are men in agony far beyond our plight and recalling a prisoner that told me a damn good Alaskan joke tearfully cheers me up. And haunts me too. I'm struck by a Hebrew sentiment that either everybody counts, or nobody counts. We've seen a world where lines have been drawn in effort to discern those that have value, contrasted with those that don't.

You coppers are well aware of the outcome. Eventually our hominid propensity to commit murder blurs these lines resulting in the devaluation of all human beings. Meaning, our own children stand naked, raped and freezing, crying in terror, silhouetted in another soldier's gun sights. I'm far beyond witnessing anymore children and mothers, bleeding nude and bullet ridden, falling onto God's Green Earth, nullified from mirroring our better angels. Unintended outcomes arise from human efforts of separatist discrimination, ethnic cleansing and genocide, we quite possibly see the wrong end of a machine gun or momentarily witness the searing heat, hair loss and skin disintegration of children from high explosives.

We all think we got something to hang our hat on and whine about, like Gumby's gay porn magazines someone left in the squad room. That's because we have too little to keep us busy. We also have too few sufferings. Complaining to anybody indicates a bored audience is listening to us. Stop it. We got it pretty fucking good. We only need to contemplate our blessings and put a cork in our bitch-hole. When we have something to gripe about and there's a sucker listening, we've found that suck-ass existential place I call "mental unemployment."

Wake up fucks. For over 20 years I've used you coppers as my foil and audience. You see, despite violent tendencies, clever banter and dangerously intelligent detective skills, I get to harness your heartbreaks you've collected and stacked during your lives providing safety to the public. With these minimalist sketches on white paper, you boys fill in the color, textures and odors bringing to life these horrid paintings. Look back at us old men drinking coffee and smoking big cigars, imported cigarettes, talking about old cases inside the squad room or dispatch, -30 below outside and we were warm, dry, well armed and well fed. Yet we're making vocalizations in a falsetto chorus of "boo-hoo."

I miss our graveyard shifts with time to chat about everything on God's green Earth, but when I feel smarter'n everybody, idealism flourishes. Idealism is a whole world away from realism. You fuckers should've slapped me across the gob and told me that my brutal comeuppance is only a blink of an eye away, a blip on the radar near the end of one of my upcoming narc jobs and mere years in the future. I went from working in a fucking jail to illegally enticing and inducing defendants to voluntarily sell me tons of drugs. They all went to jail, but shortly thereafter, I nearly died in one. I'm such a retard.

I should think again about Wally Hickel's concerns of the "Balkanization of Alaska." At times when I was laughing and living with my mentally challenged dwarf-porn midget neighbors statewide, I was unconsciously drawing lines in the sand and clearing my Private Idaho. Meaning I was establishing my very own country. Don't let me pull bullshit like that cuz it makes me no better than faggots demanding respect, niggers demanding reparations and natives demanding their teefs back. Asians are tougher than homos, coons, kikes and ice niggers and they ain't asking fer shit. With the United States chopped up into separatist segregationist sections and locking every fruit, nut, flake in one bowl of cereal, we'd lose our melting pot of layered shit and blended mucous milkshake.

I'm working towards a thought the Sergeant suggested and I was too thick to comprehend. When every human pussy, twerp and punk with their own shitty language, dialect, slang, haircut, hair color, skin hue, sexual hobbies and personal pet name for God believes they should have their very own country, we're fucked. Look at America today. These notions evoke bad ideas of what the government for this new country ought to look like. We'll inevitably kill everybody else with different lisps, hair color, BO, rectum flavor preferences and moron church.

We don't live in a "divided country," we live in a selfish, bratty country filled with whining fucking cunts. If we can't laugh at our neighbors and still be civil, we deserve to be living on a reservation or put back in prison. You can have my cot that's probably filled with another bleeding fucking idiot. Just like me. To pass the time between your brutal interrogations, he'll share tales of wives, women and young girls he sucked and fucked, resulting in bad job reviews, wonderful vertical smiles and many happy vaginas.

Of course, we've battled the issue of chopping up Alaska into stupid little fiefdoms. Wally Hickel fought against the Alaska Native Claims Settlement Act with a logical claim that we shouldn't let our state become sliced and diced. Again, he worried we'd "suffer the Balkanization of Alaska." Meaning dividing Alaska into numerous distinct sovereign nations like Croatia, Serbia, Czech Republic, Slovakia: all regions formerly united as Czechoslovakia.

Look at our map and you'll see we have National Parks, National Wildlife Reserves and Refuges, Regional Native Allotments, Village Native Properties and Indian Tribal Lands. The actual State of Alaska is only one-third of the state with all the native, Indian and Federal Lands comprising the other two-thirds. Our disputes over fishing, hunting, resource development, native sovereignty, tribal land use and tribal court sentencing guidelines for native wife beaters, native child rapist gomers and native homicides has plagued us since.

Lining out territories according to skin color, eye color, hair color and breed of dog a person sucks and fucks is ludicrous. Senator Ted Stevens lectured at UAF and declared a state cannot repair racism and discrimination with more racism and discrimination. Putting ice midgets, reservation butt fuckers, hillbillies, faggots and niggers in their own sector or region defeats the purpose of a United States. I'm not saying we gotta choke each other's chickens with a reach-around fist-fuck wristwatch, but it ain't no skin offa yer ass to tip yer hat, give 'em the white man nod, offer a "how-do" or "afternoon gentlemen" even an "afternoon sir."

I do it all the time to reflect my elevated status and higher station here on God's frozen Earth and diffuse any anger whenever I'm entering a bar, liquor store or pot shop with a native woman on my arm. Of course it'd be entertaining to see someone raise issue with my hybrid (interracial) marriage to a darky bitch from way up North, but nobody's got the spunk to monkey up, voice their concerns, raise their dukes only to get shot down and killed like a fucking dog. Yup, I follow my supervisor's instructions from a hunnert police departments to always carry a couple guns. "Don't leave home without it."

Back to your own retarded neighborhood. You may remember the drawn out battles over opening the Red Dog Lead and Zinc Mine. Now witness the hair-pulling, fretting and menstrual whining involved with NANA's efforts to build the Ambler Access Road from Manley to the Kobuk Valley and the drawn out legal scrimmages before any actual spade work, dirt moving and ore extraction as the Ambler Gold Mine commences. Yer seeds will be dried up and yer dicks will fall into yer socks, shrunken and atrophied by the time we see any replacement monies in your NANA Regional Corporation dividend checks. Red Dog will be non-productive, non-profitable and non-paying in a few short years with land grooming and landscaping completed in less then a blink of yer anus. Oh, a blink of an anus is roughly half a decade, or double that in the KPD jail when Lorin Downing's on duty, gittin' some and makin' bacon.

My suggestion is to build super pimp hotels, marinas and ocean side resorts at the old Red Dog Port Site for mooring high-dollar sailboats, yachts and lease sail boards and jet-skis. Instead of whale watching, we could launch some of them shit-ass tiny little fuckers outa Kivilina with one of my funnel-aters like shooting skeet and let billionaire guests blast 'em outa the sky with $100,000 prize nigger-shooting competitions, firing cool-ass rare vintage shotguns. Pull! The mine site might be used as a Eco-tourism destination for hiking, kayaking and canoe leasing or snow machine escapes. I'm not sure you'd get legal license to let your guests poach caribou or muskox.

Of course if you have billionaire Russian Oligarchy guests offering a million a week to stay and shoot nasty tasting tundra animals, well hell, we're all whores fer bucks. Let 'er rip. Keep the local residents hired as authentic stage props, indigenous decorations and tour guides. If any of your billionaire guests "accidentally" shoots a native employee fer fun, keep their deposit or charge his Platinum Visa extra for property damages. Keep the bars exclusively for guests only, the hired staff can drink Lysol, eat leftover sushi, caviar and goose liver pate next to the dumpsters out back like Indian Gaming Casinos. Don't ever attribute a soul to piles of US dollars. NANA has vast experience in hotels and bars. NANA used to have 2 hotels in Krotchebue. One down by the Kotzebue Airport and the Nulugvik on Front Street, BOTH offering full service bars and free complimentary drunken brown prostitutes. Speaking of NANA bar deals, I may have brokered the sale of one such highly profitable venture at the Fairbanks Airport. Did I do that?

Chatting with you coppers during graveyard shifts was a learning experience. I remember the Sarge lecturing about criminal cases that upset him. One such case involved in a suicide/homicide uptown near the Rec. Center. Erlich and Ham-ham (Abraham Snyder) were dispatched to a domestic violence report, drove to the Ivanoff residence and knocked on the door. They heard screaming inside the residence and with legal reasoning deduced a person was in imminent risk of injury and opened the front door to gain entry. As they opened the door shots rang out and Erlich caught a piece of fire in his hand and Ham-ham caught a stinging blow to his left shoulder.

Back-up officers responded forthwith and made armed entry into the residence to find a non-responding native girl and an injured native man. The injured man still had a pistol in his hand, so he was cuffed and tossed outside the residence like a sack of potatoes. The non-responding woman was attended to and it was determined that she was deceased. Head shot. The suspect that was cuffed and removed from the residence was also determined to be no longer living. Same fatal head injury, self-inflicted. Alvin and Agnes Ivanoff never got over their daughter's murder.

Erlich and Ham-ham were transported to the old MMC and treated for their injuries and the Troopers and KPD investigated the complex domestic assault that resulted in the deaths of two citizens. Deaths by homicide and suicide. Erlich was treated for a doozy of a bullet wound to his gun-hand and Ham-ham was determined to have received a bullet that had impacted his police radio hand-set microphone clipped to his left shoulder. The bullet didn't penetrate the radio mic but the impact likely stung like a motherfucker and felt like a karate kick to the upper breast.

The parties were Sylvia Ivanoff's sister and her boyfriend, get this, a Reed clan member from Kiana. Ever since this common, frequent and tragically typical Alaskan crime, I walked past the Ivanoff house with great trepidation. Ya see, the house was on my early morning route to the Rec. Center to life weights with my grandma bunnik who religiously pointed out that Ivanoff's was a location of a "Kotzebue Divorce." She frequently retells me tales about her first two husbands that treated her like a human punching bag and much later in life was seriously attached to a dumb Finn whose only crime was failing to appreciate how good it was to work, whine and laugh all over the Northern third of Alaska.

I should've been more optimistic and happy to find lots of hard, shitty work in Kotzebue and Barrow. I was born for it. I simply had great difficulty in seeing wonderful prospects in a region of such great suffering. We've all lugged comatose and postmortem bodies to the appropriate facilities for treatment, or cold storage. We've all cut down hangers, fetched blue soggy swimmers no longer breathing and scraped up misery off the ice that once were copper colored human beings riding a wheeler or sno-go. Yet even with comic chuckle-head comrades like you coppers or Mashburn, Moto and Ramoth, I couldn't see the wonderful prospects these nearly extinct arctic communities offered me.

Like you rusty killers and graying gunslingers I was put in Alaska to serve my penance and get a foot-hold in numerous shitty public safety careers and see the world through new eyes and big heart with unfathomable depth and compassion. Looking back at our really grim shitty humor, we actually gave a shit and truly cared about our patrol sector's inhabitants. In the last 70 years we've witnessed a native population explosion. Alaska's 1950 census originally had natives consisting of 4% of our state population, now it's 18%. Like I told you coppers before, you've personally witnessed a brown baby boom. Thank God fer a million fucking village clinics, super foods (meats, dairy, enriched flours), flush toilets, running hot and cold water, garbage service and electricity. Nobody understands me, meaning my words fall on deaf ears leaving me dubious about the educations Alaskans have received. Am I making any sense?

Without massive state and federal public expenditures, we'd still have puny numbers of puny brown people. Without such huge investments in rural Alaska, us FInns, Swedes and Norwegians would be the majority. The older I get, the more retarded we were. The NW Arctic and NS Boroughs are getting slowly better and we did more than just a small part in facilitating these violent communities' transitions towards civility, fair play and rule of law.

We spoke the Queen's English and educated more than a million children with our kind words, actions and intents. On your next visit to AFN (Alaska Federation of Natives) you'll be pleasantly surprised how many kids remember you and the jobs you did. Kids that are now grown adults with children of their own. And they speak clearly, think intelligently and are quite aware of the changes they're going through.

Every one of God's children remember moments when we had the right to pound an asshole to bits and pitch dirt on their faces-but we refrained and didn't. We simply did our jobs with more respect than a drunken bag of garbage deserved, wiped spit off our faces, ignored lousy insults and threats, nursed bruises and cuts, and just performed our duties. Again, we represented the future prospects of civility and the rule of law, civil rights and fair play. And a million grown native kids will tearfully remind you of this as they approach you at AFN or ANMC to express their thanks. They are painfully aware their parents were drunk assholes and we could've fucked their shit up, crippled them or killed them. But we didn't. That means something to today's grown children. Means a lot.

Despite a thousand useless aboriginal languages we hear over CB radios in rural Alaska and the Denaina Convention Center, the overwhelming lingua-franca is English. English represents a cohesive overlapping fabric that actually unites all of Alaska's tribes and regions. English is Alaska's Chinook Jargon and is the common language natives used for trade, marriage, hunting boundaries and if all else fails, English is used to declare war on neighboring Aleuts, Half-a-Gas Cans, and Chimp-shians.

Nobody understands silly gibberish and slang but when we dress up and behave in our very best manners, we formally address each other in clear English and shake hands or hug each other in the same royal and dignified manner all Alaskan humans are befit. I repeat, us Alaskan humans use the language of nations with prospects. Meaning English. We also use the language of nations with freedoms and inherent rights that were unknown heretofore. Despite my immature silly Scandinavian humor, Alaska has come a long way and I give you soldiers a lot of the credit. I had a chance to watch you coppers work and maybe, I learned a little bit too. My stubbornness and learning difficulties are parallel to my lousy patience, violent outbursts and agonizing mood swings during my stints in public safety and now, at my old age, my eternal shame.

I learned that Alaska has more artists, writers and teachers than any similarly populated state in America. What I secretly push and pray for is the development of more art on shelves or hanging on walls, literary output in the form of paperbacks or hardcover books beyond my witty racist blogs and vocational, academic and graduate schools to continue this Herculean effort bringing an ancient section of North America up to speed and hopefully resemble Scandinavia. Finland was a backwards ancient Arctic country but since the digital and tech explosion, left the rest of the world behind in the dust, smelling stone age and looking retarded. Okay, that might be a little overzealous, but a lad's gotta try. We can't all be Norse heroes like Olaf, blonder than you and braver than I, but I tried to breed our community taller and smarter.

I'd even accept an Alaska with only a modicum of success. It's far larger than Japan, yet Japan is a powerful country without any fucking resources. Singapore is an extremely important nation yet has zero physical territory. And Luxembourg wields enormous worldwide influence but has almost zero people. Modern nations like Alaska won't triumph by conquering new territories nor brutally dominating other ugly, strange human beings. Ya see, war doesn't work anymore. Rape and slaughter between tribal and regional factions may get frequent postings on the Alaska State Trooper Public Information Office's web postings, but Alaska will only become a major player on the world stage with better training, better nutrition, better law enforcement, civil protections and fair play for the very children that will approach us at AFN and the native hospital in Anchorage apologizing for their ignorant parents. Then hug you.

I believe Alaska can overcome it's paternal dependence on lousy elected officials. We have to. For our history since 1959 we've not gotten the representatives, senators and governors we could afford. We got these fuckheads because we deserved them. At least I deserve better. I'm thinking you fuckers do too. One notion I've considered was to lock out new arrivals that have zero education, skills, nor visible means of support. Our welfare system is maxed out.

The power of a tyrannical government is in inverse proportion to the intelligence of it's citizens. Alaska suffers embarrassing levels of illiteracy and better government comes with an enlightened populace, tolerance and equal rights under the law. Our generation lacks the depth of understanding, empathy and emotional resilience to tolerate, accept and live next door to bizarre, disturbing genders, ethnicity and differing languages. God loves all of us, I'm fucking trying.

We could educate Alaskans better, feed them better, arm them better, shake hands and laugh with our bizarre village neighbors, or we could follow our ancestors' and parents' shameful ignorance.

In the next century, we'll likely all be found naked, holding our grandchildren in a mass grave.

God won't laugh at us anymore. He'd be heartbroken.

Carlos.

Seed banks, sperm banks and shitty money banks.

Top of the morning gents,

It's hard to believe how far human beings have come. Our early ancestors spent 80% of their waking hours foraging for food and consuming these gathered foods raw. What I mean by raw is straight off the ground or bush, chewed and swallowed. Raw foods require double and triple the digestion time and double and triple the length of our intestines. Early man's teeth were worn, rotten or missing and resembled Bun's grandma after decades of chewing mukluk soles. If we could examine a Playboy Centerfold from 80,000 years ago, we see a short, ugly, pot-bellied, thick-trunked, hairy, puny Sasquatch creature bitch with a runt-ass skeleton, teeth ravaged by pyorrhea and a gut shredded by diarrhea. If a nigger survived childhood, he'd be lucky to have both eyes leaving archaeological remains with a fucked up face, pie hole, ass and guts. Pyorrhea and diarrhea were the two leading causes of death for our ancient grups. The skeletal remains we've dug up are so trashed and busted up, they look like fossilized professional rodeo riders and boxers. Or like the beaten, abused kids that rasty-bitch old hag Ruth Apgar, the DFYS drunk crispy biddy, picked up and booked into gladiator training we call foster care or juvenile detention.

Acquiring the use of fires to cook our meats (Fire On Demand), we've cut down the total volume of the raw (still bleeding) and rotten meat (carrion road kill) we're required to consume daily. Bugs, worms, rodents, snakes and vermin are now a smaller fraction of our caloric intake, switching to larger land mammals, fish, swine and poultry for chow. Humans transitioned from omnivorous diets to hunting in crews and consuming better quality and more specialized foodstuffs. We've also reduced the hunting and gathering time everyday and we're eating smaller amounts of lower quality creepy-crawler putrid, bitter snacks. Merely bringing meats to 160 degrees allows the human stomach to digest them much easier and derive multiples more in total nutrition absorbed. Cooked meats and cooked vegetable digest much quicker and also eliminates food poisoning and inadvertent intake of diseased parasites, molds, spores and fungi. In summations, cooked, boiled, fried, steamed and baked food is far safer to eat and better for human beings' historical growth and development.

I can hear you whining and feigning grandiose indignation declaring natives survived by drying, freezing and fermenting their meats and greens. Stuff a sock in yer pie hole and eat my shorts. Traditional and subsistence foods that are uncooked run much higher risks of illness or death from botulism, trichinosis and bacterial food poisoning. Ron Brower told me a story that scares me shitless. He described numerous events during his 75 years, where whole sections of Barrow's population died from eating fermented meat, blubber and blood (mikiaq) at whaling celebrations like Nalukitaq, Kivgiq and Ahpuati. Traditional Eskimo fare, historically, can become deadly with botulism. I was discouraged from eating native foods by Grandma Magdelene insofar as to advise me that I could die or overeat and get "hoggy-hoggy" with it. Aghast, witnessing my astronomical drinking and pot smoking habits, Sara never let me live down that "hoggy-hoggy" moniker. I believe they also suspected my voracious appetites fer pussy.

Since before prehistory, drying and curing meats has been the common technique for meat preservation, transport and storage. This process used extensive amounts of salt, greatly affecting the flavor, health consequences and the price of salt worldwide. As a matter of fact, salt become such a scarce commodity during our earliest civilizations, it was a compliment to say a man was worth his salt. Furthermore, the payday term we await, salary is based upon this primary ingredient: salt. Lastly, an important contribution to a debate is considered a "salient" point. During mankind's Jewish and Christian murderous days of Biblical origins, salt became more valuable than gold. Even 400 years ago, dairy products were risky due to no refrigeration. Europeans made cheese, Middle Eastern cultures made yogurt and North Europeans (mostly Irish) blended their cream with liquor as a preservative, storage and extend shelf-life. In my decade of sobriety, and if I relapsed, I'd kill fer a cup of Jamesons Irish Whiskey mixed with an equal measure of Bailey's Irish Cream. Even matched with bong hits, expensive coffee is fer faggots.

Louis Pasteur discovered pasteurization (filtering, boiling and centrifuge blending) lengthened shelf life of dairy products worldwide. Today we can purchase boxed milk off the shelf at AC Store, 3 Bears and Walmart's that can last years at room temperature. This new packaging process is called UHP (ultra-high pasteurization). Foods lasting much longer and greatly reducing waste, is further indicative of human beings enjoying what's termed "dietary surplus." Dietary surplus parallels economic surplus, language development, artistic creation and expression, philosophical thought (like my articles yer reading) and can only happen with more free time away from scavenging fer shit to eat. Another side-effect of more food and better storage is wealth creation. I'd have zero time to compose stupid cop-talk scribbling if I was spending all my waking hours collecting grubs, maggots, worms and moths. To eat.

What followed was much larger brains and much more information storage. 1,000 years ago, the typical human possessed less data in their brains than a Sunday issue of the New York Times. Wake up fucks. Yer kids possess a trillion times more stored information in their brains than any human a dozen centuries ago. Longer lives, better health and larger human populations only happened when a community enjoys both dietary surplus and economic abundance. Hence the small populations we see in remote regions contain small, poorly developed people. Like yer in-laws.

Now shifting to the notion of nutritional security, human growth and economic surplus. We need cupboards, freezers and refrigerators for food storage, analogously we need banks for economic storage. I've been following the collapse of some banks in the news and I'm sorry to say we saw this coming. Banks collapse when they give out risky loans and the depositors money doesn't get paid back. Bad paper, meaning shitty loans that default scare the hell out of us with savings accounts and we beat feet to the banks and try to pull our money out. That's euphemistically called a "run on the bank" and can panic any rational customer worrying their life savings are lost in that goddamned bank. Credit Suisse plainly shines as a shitty example.

Loan examiners can be blind, deaf and dumb when fees, bonuses, commissions and incentives to write and grant bogus stupid loans. Banks tend to see themselves as investment partners and undertake worrisome lending schemes that looked promising when the market winds blew in their favor. Winds change. Silicon Valley, First Republic and Signature bank fell in love with schemes loaning venture capital firms investing in silly internet start-ups: VC firms that con you into lending them cubic dollars because they've discovered the next Microsoft. Sure.

Another cause for banks imploding is inflation. The money paid back for existing loans is worth less and less. I know some of us would like to point the finger at bloated government spending or bloated government borrowing, but it always falls on us as the responsible parties. Americans and the richer parts of the world spend too much money on shit we ought to be a bit more frugal with. Scarcity is the law of the land and shortages run up prices, and conversely, surpluses bring prices back down. Us rich world citizens have stripped inventories of food items, commodities and natural resources to such small numbers and warehouse wholesale auction prices are exploding.

We elect legislators, congressmen, senators, governors and presidents that promise us lower taxes. We elect individuals who ignore our national debt and a treasury that's spending borrowed money. Believing we can avoid and escape our deferred and rapidly accumulating tax bill, we are the responsible parties. We're also the stupid Americans that refuse to accept this responsibility. When it comes to fiscal and financial responsibilities, we're stupid, immature, punk-ass brats looking to go spear-fishing with our dicks. Not paying our bills and taxes and saving for the future.

Imagine a candidate running on a platform of raising taxes on all of us. His chances of election are a big zero. We vote for candidates that whisper sexy notions like Make America Woke Again, wonderful possibilities like a homosexual in every stew pot and blatantly lie to us, because we like to be seduced and charmed. There's a part of our brain that chooses candidates that we tend to view as better looking, better sounding, tongue our shitters and less depressing. Nobody wants to hear the truth. We're like naive little girls that cling to old wives' tales, fairy tales and outright incorrect dogma like "I promise I won't cum in yer ass" or "if you choke on my sperm, you'll get bigger boobs." When it comes to paying our bills, we prefer to spend our money on booze, blow and broads like servicemen on leave, not responsible citizens with super high-dollar medical and dental bills short years in the future.

We don't want to hear that we're fat, our children are under-employed, sedentary and lazy and we owe $100K for years of social programs, wars overseas and insufficient tax revenues to the IRS to pay for all of these. The national debt, with baked in obligations is $35 trillion. Spread over 350 million Americans, the simple division is where the $100,000 comes from. That's each American: infants, parents, students and even us old fart grandparents. Of course no child, gimp, minority nor homeless bum will pay a dime. We will. So quadruple that $100K and write a check with yer big mouth that'll likely be cashed with yer ass. IRS truly means "internal" extractions from yer chubby-cop butt-cheeks.

Of course none of us wants to pay that bill. I don't, that's fer fucking sure. Imagine a collection notice for that delinquent bill arriving in your mail box demanding $100K plus accruing interest. We'd bitch where all these monies went and how did we get bamboozled into letting this amount get out of control. Well, for 40 years we've been enjoying it everyday. Medicare and Social Security are the most visible budgetary expenditures. Those payouts arrive in our checking accounts, clinics and hospitals every month. Military is the next component. The Department of Defense if the largest employer in the country. That's a lot of paychecks we cut out every 2 weeks. Medicare, Social Security and Defense are two-thirds of our national budget. Non-natives will likely push for de-funding Indian Health Services.

The Treasury prints a lot of money to pay for these obligations and also issues Treasury notes to borrow what's not covered. I'm not sure if any of you purchase government bonds anymore, they were popular years ago. War bonds, US bonds, T-bills, Treasury Notes were commonly purchased due to the guaranteed repayment for purchase price PLUS all the interest. An American worker used to purchase a blend of 2's, 10's and 30's, meaning 2-year notes, 10-year notes and 30-year treasury notes.

The blend is analogous to dollar-cost averaging all your disposable income over a year in twelfths: 1 purchase per month=12 monthly purchases per year. Some on the market floor call it laddering your bond portfolio. As your Treasury Notes, Bills or Bonds mature, you either reinvest or simply bank the face value on the certificate payout. This is the both interest and principal. If you can purchase your bonds at a discount, the larger payout is for the total face value printed on the certificate and you receive that extra as a bonus profit on top of the principal and all the interest. I've seen bonds sold at auctions for much less than the face value on the bond (Discount), but when they mature you scoop up all the proceeds.

Guaranteed payment. Zero risk. Also called the bastion of the rich. It's the place banks put their deposits to earn interest when good quality home loans or business loans aren't available to lend. Of course, if the region we live is shitty and poor and the loan quality is crap, our mortgages can get backing from Fannie Mae, Freddy Mac, FHA and AHFC (Alaska Housing Finance Corporation). They guarantee typically poor quality paper and possibly bad loans, meaning risky loans in high default regions such as rural Alaska. We all have had those kinds of mortgages, except us fuckers paid them off.

The evil demon I've mentioned before is inflation. Too many of us are bidding up the prices of houses, cars, groceries, gasoline and what-not. You may not think you are in an auction and bidding prices up, but we are. When we purchase anything at 3-Bears, AC Store or Walmart's we affirm prices that were set in open markets worldwide. When we stop or slow our buying these items, these product sit on shelves, expire in fashion or freshness and the surplus inventory gets "stale" and the prices are slashed. As inflation rages out of control and the price of common household commodities skyrockets out of reach, you see too many people and too much money chasing too few goods and services. Raising interest rates slows purchases and reverses inflation like ice water on yer swollen boners. Or the instant wood-kill you'd see when waking up next to Gumby. Naked.

We usually spend our daily bread with credit cards, which is borrowed money. We make payments on houses which is borrowed money and we make payments on our car loans which also borrowed money. I doubt any of you pay cash for houses or cars. To curb frenzied auction house bidding, the Federal Reserve raises interest rates. This raises our fees and interest charged on our credit cards, house payments and car payments. A $200,000 mortgage at 12% will require a minimum of 1% percent interest payment each month. That's $2,000 every month for interest alone.

The cost of borrowing is raised and the reward for lending is increased. Lenders are now paid much more for our loans. Banks purchase whole barges of cars, then sell them to us. Banks purchase thousands of homes, then sell them to us. Now with higher borrowing costs, lenders make more money, we pay more money and if we're rational consumers, we should be spending less. We should be buying fewer cars so that more are left rusting on the car lots. We should be buying fewer homes so that more are left empty, unsold and asking prices will tank.

Remember, anything not sold is marked down and unloaded like a "fire sale." Houses, cars and groceries are the big inflation indicators. When we buy too fast and pay too much, prices skyrocket. When we pause, wait and delay our purchases, prices tank. The Fed pays keen attention to the prices of cars, houses and groceries and their goal is to crush these ridiculously high prices back down to pre-bubble price tags and return to a modest 2% microscopic price growth every year. I'd be happy if the Federal Reserve could pop the price bubbles I see in cannabis shops, liquor stores and the admission fees to whorehouses that serve only underage clean, pristine pussy. Just think back to the blown out old ragged biscuit you porked and spooged out behind the Pondu. Those blisters that haunt you are a result of gittin' some action on Tagruk Spit and brings new meaning to bar's name, "Top of the Whale."

The Federal Reserve is also responsible for popping stock and commodity price bubbles. Alan Greenspan, FED Chairman in the 90's corrected congressmen that it wasn't George W's fault for the Tech Bubble bursting, it was his. "Blame me, I raised interest rates 6 times this year." "We have too much froth in the market and I'm obligated to eliminate irrational exuberance on the trading floor." Houses have doubled and tripled in price over the last decade and the Fed has the responsibility to smash these prices down 75% and back to reality. Cars and groceries have gotten extra zeros added to their prices and the Fed has the duty to crush these prices back down to affordability. Raising interest rates back up to historical norms will achieve this. When cash-only buyers attend auctions, prices are WAY lower.

We've enjoyed super low interest rates for far too long and that is a historical anomaly. Normal savings accounts should earn 5% and normal mortgages should cost 8-10%. Normal credit card rates float between 15-29% depending on our good credit, or nose bleed levels if you have really shitty credit. We regretfully should greatly limit the use of our credit spending and limit our borrowing to just the basics like housing. Cars and groceries really ought to be bought with cash. I know yer whining and bitching but I ain't listening.

Borrowing should be expensive. It isn't your money and you should only borrow when you really need it and can afford it and take advantage of the tax deductions from your primary home like mortgage interest. Not for buying tickets to Europe or Hawaii (or some cesspool like Michigan) and making minimum payments on your credit cards for years afterwards. Those that desperately need to borrow are most likely to default. Banks love customers that keep hundreds of thousands in savings accounts and then only borrow hundreds. Safe bets. Remember, when we use credit, someone has lent you that money and they deserve a decent return on their investment in you. My saving accounts are lent out to you guys when you sign a mortgage note, get a car loan or buy shit with your credit cards. I should get paid a decent bit of interest on my savings accounts lent you to borrow, meaing you'll pay more for house and car loans and your daily credit card purchases.

Slowing borrowing with higher interest rates, slows the economy, cools world and country-wide auctions for your houses, autos and groceries and then lowers house, car and food prices. Watch house prices drop as interest rates for home loans, refinance loans and home equity loans rise up towards the double digit altitude. I can remember during the Reagan Administration when the Fed's prime lending rate was 12% and home loans were upwards of 15-18%. When bun worked at the bank, she encouraged customers to purchase 90-day Certificates of Deposits (CD's) paying 15%.

The housing market during the Reagan years cooled nicely and home values dropped almost 50%. Keeping interest rates way up prevents investors from borrowing money and investing these funds in the stock market. In the old days you could borrow at 2% and harvest a stock market profit of 10-50%, those days are long gone. Banks charge much higher costs for borrowed money and the stock market is cooling. What I mean by cooling is we've seen the DOW Jones 30 blue chip industrial stock portfolio tank 25%, the S&P 500 broad market index has dropped 30% and the NASDAQ tech sector has plummeted almost 40%.

Now look at the Permanent Fund. We gone from $84 billion down to $72. That's a real sickening drop. We could skim a PFD out of the principal, but that's not really a dividend, that's stealing from the corpus of our state savings account. A dividend is paid after all our other bills are paid, the remainder is then divided amongst us poor 907 negro resident shareholders. Oil revenue has paid our bills for over 40 years with enough left over to kick a bonus to us. Now look at Prudhoe Bay. Oil production is less than a fourth of our best. We pumped 2.2 million barrels a day way back in the 80's, now we're pumping 500,000 and dropping 6% annually.

Don't get a boner and tell me about the Willow Oil Prospect. That's on Federal Land, or better put, The National Petroleum Reserve Alaska (NPRA). That's not state land, it's actually American land. The oil royalties are split 50/50 with the Feds and the communities of the North Slope. All the village clinics, social services and housing departments receive what called Petroleum Impact Funds. The state will scavenge a meager $10 billion dollars over the next 30-40 years. That's fucking chump change. We need another Prudhoe Bay Oil Seam on state land to pull down serious ching.

As Prudhoe Bay matures, dwindles at it's predictable 6% per year and runs dry, the state of Alaska will be in the same shape as America. We're gonna have to pay out more in property taxes, income taxes and sales taxes. We could avoid this giant penalty if we eliminate school funding, state troopers, corrections, university system, department of transportation and Medicaid. Sure. Think again butt-fuckers, that shit ain't happening. Alaskans love their lavish programs and more than one-third of us 907 midgets are on welfare.

Without Permanent Fund earnings or Prudhoe Bay oil revenues, you and me are on the hook for about $17K every year. Of course infants, children, poor coloreds and retards won't be expected to pay, so double or triple that figure for us earners and savers. We're such dumb butts. If we eliminate the PFD we can facilitate an exodus of poor shits and indigenous indigents out of Alaska. If we implement a painful income tax you'll witness an exodus of wealthy, working and retired folks like us out of Alaska. I say burn the poor first, do a population count, evaluate the validity of our social programs, then roach the rich. We won't mind paying for government services if poor free-loaders are long gone and shipped back to Siberia, Africa, Appallachia, Samoa and Methico.

I've interviewed a butt load of Alaskan citizens that lived in this state prior to the lease sales on Prudhoe Bay and TAPS first pumped oil down the pipeline in 1977. Alaska didn't have any utilities in rural villages and when they did arrive, diesel fuel was used to generate electricity and all homes were heated with the same. Barrow started using natural gas after the Navy piped it in from the Barrow Gas Fields 16 miles out of town in the early 70's and Anchorage switched from diesel to natural gas after Cook Inlet offshore oil and gas derricks started pumping in the late 50's.

All of the rest of Alaska has always, and always will use diesel fuel for both electricity and heat. Diesel fuel is pretty fucking expensive, but the cheapest of all the other options. Coal is expensive to mine from the Healy Coal Mine and transport to Fairbanks. It also leaves coal ash dust all over the communities that burn it. In Fairbanks there are 4 large coal-fired electricity plants. 1 for the University (UAF Physical Power Plant), 1 for the city (Golden Valley Power), 1 for Fort Wainwright and 1 for Eilsen Air Force. During cold winters in the Fairbanks area when temperatures hover near -60 below, air pollution is classified by the EPA as hazardous to your health from the coal-fired electrical plants.

Heat for Fairbanks is still almost entirely stove oil (diesel). Citizens that burn firewood to save money on their astronomical stove oil bills only exacerbate the air pollution way off the charts. Every morning I'd blow dry powdered coal ash dust off the brand new Chrysler Cirrus LXi provided to me by the Law Offices of Clapp, Peterson and Stowers by speeding around town way over the legal speed limits. I'd warm up the car, top off the tank with Super (premium) and occasionally drive through the car wash. Considering the facts I've revealed to you coppers about my extracurricular (extra-testicular) scholastic endeavors, it was a rough life.

Without PCC (power cost equalization), heating assistance and energy assistance, rural Alaska would be, and will be, frightfully expensive. I've been startled at hearing Eskimos paying exorbitant prices from B&R (Bullock and Rotmans) for barrels of oil. It wasn't uncommon to see little native boys rolling barrels of stove oil from uptown Kotzebue, the scant distance of a stone's throw down Front Street, to their shitty shotgun shacks that were common housing 60 years ago. Rural Alaska before the 70's had zero electricity and before the 80's zero water and sewer. Hence the influx of construction workers you witnessed. Most of our friends came to Kotz for the water and sewer projects that were funded by the state. Before oil revenues arrived, the populations in rural Alaska were majority non-native and really small, and clustered around Air Force, Navy and Army Bases. Wake up and look in the mirror niggers. Clean water, sewer and electricity has produced a brown baby boom.

We've trimmed back our Corona Virus stimulus expenses and we've nearly eliminated the unemployment boondoggle schemes. We've also ended the lavish Medicaid, Food Stamp, Rental Assistance and their ridiculously lax certifications processes. I mean gone by the end of March. After the 31st of the month, you'll likely hear customers in line at pharmacies cursing because their Medicaid coverage zeroed out and the real prices for common medicines for cholesterol, blood pressure and diabetes runs in the thousands every month. Our federal and state governments have been paying a lot of the medical bills for our poorer citizens for years. This just a small taste of comeuppance.

For my native readers, your medical expenses are paid for by the IHS (Indian Health Services) and if you make a minimal monthly income under $2,000 per month, part of your medical coverage is subsidized by Medicaid. That's why the native hospitals question you if your monthly incomes meet their income guidelines. Now watch Washington DC. If IHS is de-funded, you'll be writing some monster scary checks for visits to native clinics and native hospitals. If yer smart you'll purchase medical insurance or get a job with premium health care coverage. Just like us dumb white fuckers.

My wife is always asked if she makes under 2K a month and she always says, "no." She has the PERS Tier I AETNA coverage, but that has it's limitations when we reach the age of 65. Her IHS benefits cover everything not covered by her state pension medical coverage. I myself have to purchase Medicare Part B to compliment my Dental, Vision and Audio I purchased from the Alaska Retirees Medical Plan. Remember, I ain't AFN (ain't fucking native) so I HAVE to purchase Medicare Part B. PERS Tier I covers all our prescribed medicines.

Remember, when you turn the Six-Five, you gotta purchase Medicare because the coverage we've enjoyed from the retirement medical plan cuts way back and dumps most of the responsibility for payment on Medicare. Part A is emergency room care and is free. Part B is the basic medical coverage and costs $170.00 per month. Part C is the dental, vision, audio and is $150.00 per month and Part D is all the fucking medicine we take every morning with breakfast. That's another C-note, $100 fucking bucks. Set aside a total of $400-$500 a month out of your social security for that damn bill for the full Medicare coverage. Your AETNA PERS coverage steps back and only pays your copay, deductibles and non-covered services, procedures and extraordinary medical bills. Like penis transplants from horses and donkeys.

Fuck medical miracles. The 3 drugs that have lengthened American longevity are the basics: Cholesterol, blood pressure and insulin. Humans 400 years ago lived on average about half our life span. If you take any castle tours in Europe you'll have to duck way down to enter doorways and walkways. Folks were rarely 5 feet tall and big dumb motherfuckers like us will bash our heads or scrape our scalps in these old structures.

The Ice Man found frozen in the glacial pocket in the Alps was 5000 years old and showed heart disease already visible in his circulatory system. Ice Man was an affluent dude that ate more meat than his fellow cave men. He possessed a Bronze Age ax and also Stone Age tools and clothing, but was still murdered by a killer's arrow that was yanked back out to conceal the maker of the arrow. History is littered with classic examples of homicide and evidence tampering, yet nothing was stolen from his person. Anthropologists surmised that they were investigating a 50 centuries old professional hit or village-based assassination.

Even today, despite the cost to our health care in the form of cholesterol, blood pressure and blood sugar medications, us modern humans require a high protein, high calcium and high calorie diet to attain our taller stature, superior dentistry, brain size and strength. Around the world, citizens now eating cooked beef, plentiful dairy, refined enriched grains and lots of fat and calories are growing taller than their historical counterparts. But that diet has a price to pay. Our guts have a little difficulty with so much non-human breast milk, cooked red meat, and super highly enriched carbohydrate grains and starches. The cost for our human growth, brain development and longer lives comes in the forms of gastric issues, heart disease and diabetes. Hence the pills you and take every fucking day.

Regardless of human beings' slow evolution to digest and absorb this new Super Man gut bomb power chow, this same super nutritional diet has facilitated much taller humans around the world, other continents and even in rural Alaska. My wife is always astounded at the height she sees in the healthy class of her fellow aborigines. Of course there's still a lot of short little maggots that eat only mud-sourced native foods, sweets like candy and pop and deprive themselves wholesome diets and superior size and strength. Simply put, short, weak, sick, no-teefer river rats, reservation dog fuckers, in-bred hillbillies and ghetto niggers eat stupid shit. Healthy diets requires an education. Think about it.

As us affluent boomers flood the medical industry demanding top-notch services and state of the art prescriptions, our AETNA pension coverage and Medicare are expected to rain money on us and bandage our aging butts, cure our infections from poor sexual behavior and heal our failing lungs, livers and pancreas from eating, drinking and smoking WAY too much. I'm likely the most guilty party amongst us fuckers and would happily take lungs and guts and eyes outa yer grand kids corpses. And I'd be perfectly happy to swap my old gray rotten organs with yer daughters and grandaughters abortions.

I like banks of all types. Money banks, blood banks and organ banks. Oh, and don't forget Brewers malt, hop and yeast banks to protect our beer for centuries in the future. Plus Cannabis seed banks. See me smiling? Beer and bong hits are the breakfast of champions. I miss championship breakfasts waking and baking, and sport-fucking as a hobby, exercise and relaxation. Goddamned menopause. Or better put: meno-stop.

I've lectured at the vast improvement in diet and overall health of rural Alaskans since statehood and settlement of land claims. I can't pound the point home that America's diet has been the envy of the rest of the world for the last century. Japanese citizens have seen a parallel explosion in height and strength as their wealth and affluence has allowed the increased consumption American levels of protein, calcium and highly refined and enriched grains. As a matter of fact, the entire world has put excruciating pressure on inventories of beef, pork and chicken, dairy and refined white flour. The wholesale prices of these grocery commodities reflect this scorched Earth demand.

As citizens of the world step away from indigenous sources of protein like Chinese bug worm pizza and bat shit soup, and shift their menu choices towards American fare, we see massive increases in life expectancy and population growth. With 8 billion humans craving our good food, we may see increased tightness in the commodity inventories of our mealtime plates of grub.

With the importation of cattle, pork and chicken from Europe to the New World, we've seen higher grades of meats. Every scrap of bovine, swine and poultry is now utilized in the industrial processing of these meats. The lungs (tripe), guts and internal organs are used in sausages, pastrami, salami, bologna and ethnic cuisine like liver, kidney pie, the blood is used in soups, broths and Au-jus dips. It's crude but funny when I hear the joke that the best flavored hot dog wieners contain "eyes and beaks, knuckles and nuts."

Meat fats from pork, chicken and beef is sourced for deep-fat frying, gravies, sauces, and blended with sugar, honey and molasses, injected into tougher cuts of meats or applied to the exterior as sweet and savory glazes. Don't forget Crisco is a blend of animal and vegetable fats and makes superior breads, cakes and pastries. Lastly the feathers from poultry are steamed, bleached, stuffed into pillows, down comforters and seat cushions and all our nation's animal hide is used to manufacture leather coats, wallets, hand bags, belts and even footballs and soccer balls: pigskin. My university car had leather seats and it was well worth the extra grand of two added to the purchase price of the car.

Due to America's leading edge manufacture of grains and starches, we've increased crop yields by more than 10-fold. Wheat, soybean and potatoes are now so abundant that America is considered "the bread basket to the world." Aside from increased crop yields we also vastly improved the industrial milling processes to produce trillions of tons of white flour, oats, barley, hops, corn meal and soy beans. These products have been perfected and improved in overall quality with factory mechanical sorting, cleaning and separating. The shells, fiber and hulls are ground into fiber supplements like Metamucil, recycled back to agriculture or injected in sandblasting machines and used to remove paint, rust and corrosion from steel hulls of ships, automobile fenders and cleaning expensive metals where sand or crushed glass in industrial sandblasters would've simply obliterated your work in progress. Firearms manufactures use sandblasters filled with ground seed shells, husks and chafe for the sheen us dummies love to drool over.

Lastly we need to give credit to dairy farmers. No large family could survive solely on yer mom's breast milk. Feeding a large family, those sore tender titties would've fallen off and littered the floor with ragged paper bags and shredded flesh melons. Roberta Brower (Danny Burnor's girlfriend) told us about a family in Kaktovik whose mom breast-fed her entire family until they left home. In rural Alaska, men don't leave home until they find another stupid native woman to shack up with, beat on, rape on and suck dry. Julia Stalker breast-fed her children until they were 6 years old and Helena Hildreth (Grant Hildreth's widowed wife) breast-fed her children all the way to age of 7. Jesus Fuck! I wouldn't want a blow job lasting 7 years, who'd want those fine titties worn down and dried up so horribly? Even Dolly Parton couldn't have ever performed such fantastic feats of nipple Olympics. I'd sure like to be on the receiving end of that event. Go ahead, take a hammer to yer dick and get back to reading my stupid shit.

Okay, quit giggling you retired retards and get back to my nutritional bullshit. We can thank the cows and goats for replacing and expanding milk consumption in America's morning breakfast cereal, desserts and toppings. Cow and goat milk is an extraordinarily valuable commodity. From these simple buckets of udder squeezings we separate the fat and the watery whey. The watery whey is used in beer, weight lifter supplements and animal feed but the fat is the gold. Cow and Goat milk fat is used to manufacture yogurt, cheese, cottage cheese, sour cream and ice cream. The bonus is that nutrition in milk is fat soluble and the richest dairy products contain the best food value. Imagine nachos without sour cream or heavy cream unavailable in our rich tasty exotic pastries or removing the half-n-half I pour in my expensive coffee every morning. I'm visualizing a nightmare existence in a world without cheese on pizza or Alaska's favorite: bowls of ice cream. Fucking forget about it.

The reason I illustrate the extraordinary value of cow and goat milk fat is the wonderful improvement in brain development. Breast milk, otherwise known as Cholestrum is nearly all fat and helps babies' brains grow exponentially. This is the most significant trait seen in Homo Sapiens: larger brains. The fat in dairy is the perfect dietary supplement in increasing brain size and improving brain function. Removing huge supplements of rich dairy fat in a child's diet will produce children we see in Appalachia and Africa. We also see this in rural Alaska. Rich sources of dairy fat has proven to improve education outputs for children from birth to adolescence. I'm reading yer minds and I'm specifying dairy products from cow and goat breast milk, not yer dick milk nor ball cheese.

The calcium dairy products offers us is what explains taller humans the world over. Natives, Asians and Pygmies were never supposed to be short, small and simple-minded. Lacking rich sources of dairy at every meal is historically proven to be the culprit when we witness short, small retarded humans. Removing low quality indigenous foods and replacing them with high-grade meat products, high-fat dairy and enriched refined grains has given us better academic scores, vastly better athletic performances, taller skeletal structure and nearly doubling life-spans. Back in 2020 my wife turned the age of 70 years old. Her humorous comment "I'm now 140 years old in native years." "Boolks. I jokes." Sad and tragic statement. I added the inane "boolks" suffix just to dummy up my composition. Fucking funny though.

Native indulgence in subsistence foods is a nice trip down memory lane and is wonderfully reminiscent of our horrible histories, but don't force yer retarded grand kids to a miserable life of bad teeth, small withered bones, puny brains and dummer'n shit brain function. Look around you, our children would've been dwarfs, midgets, gimps and retards without modern high quality food choices you purchased and served with the pay we earned doing public safety shit work. I'll punch you in the mouth if you call world-class nutrition "white man food." It's the combination of high-quality foods, top-shelf medicine and massive increases in education and learning that keeps me from looking like Dood Lincolnm, speaking like Dolly Hawley and writing like Skeeter Jepson. Or being a member of the Henry clan. Point taken? That'd be a curse worse than a life as a child prostitute in 1890's Nome, Skagway and Ketchikan. My ass fucking bleeds.

Excavating the 1500 year-old Arctic Family on the North Slope found insects, worms, grubs, sour fish and lots of grasses in their stomachs. You'll never achieve Michael Jordan's level of fitness on that diet, instead you'll be forever stunted and sawed-off like Butch Lincoln. Alaskan Natives would never sit at the coffee table or in physics lecture halls with Einstein had Nixon not created Indian Health Services and started inoculating brown kids with medicines for common diseases that were fatal to niggers here in the Wino-Seven. At your next dinner table mealtime prayers, give thanks for the federal government shipping metric tons of vastly better foodstuffs to this stupid section here where we're shitting and pissing on wrong end of the North American continent.

Regarding the shift from lousy garbage subsistence foods towards skeleton and body-building super-foods, you should thank yourselves. Even if you racked up your credit card bills paying for groceries for your rodents. As inflation is pushed back down with higher interest rates, pay cash for your cars and groceries, borrow prudently and judiciously for you homes, then double up the payments, zero out that fucking mortgage and write off all the interest, taxes and insurance expenses against your adjusted gross income (AGI) on your IRS tax paperwork you'll need to file before April 15th.

I can hear you fuckers. TMI dude (too much info). Fuck it. I'm more than just a criminal that mops puke in the Kotzebue Jail, serves arrest warrants on village crooks and arranges State Trooper drug buys, raids, arrests and seizures.

I'm a really stupid MBA that could've been grown puny, retarded and ugly like real Alaskan residents, but I'm not. I'm just a Finn that with a smart-ass sense of humor and types 400 words per minute.

"Never get in a pissing match with a man that buys printer's ink by the barrel."

Karl.