Thursday, November 30, 2006

In Homer, Alaska-Extreme violence: Mountlake Terrace style sans blond hair, blue eyes and stunning good looks.

Top of the morning gents,

I'm glad to hear that Mountlake Terrace violence has
now crept into the FAZ-fetal alcohol zone.

Most of you don't know Todd Turcott, or Dennis
Singleton, but you all have met Marty Hall AKA marto
international. He was one of my messengers that I flew
up to Kotzebue under the auspices of working for me
remodeling houses 676 Caribou street, 711 front street
and some work on the 369 renovation and expansion.

Over the years, I flew up lots of hombres for work
because I've never found anybody willing to work for
$20.00 an hour, plus 3 hots and a cot.

I put the Burnors to work, hired Clyde Shagloak for
painting and bong loading and flew Harley Bronson up
to help me with a butt load of mud/tape/paint
projects. I even bribed Shane Hildreth with lots of
LSD to help out too.

I flew up Big Dumb Dale, my 300-pound mongoloid for
lots of work here and at the Willow house, followed by
Scott Wade, the lad David Caleschman interviewed and
recorded playing all sorts of hard metal guitar at
KOTZ, whom proved to be one hell of a carpenter.

Ya see? I've done my part in converting pure Hitler
Youth felons into fairly decent property managers. The
lads I didn't fly up to help me were far too
dangerous. Namely, a couple of aforementioned killers
named Dennis and Todd.

These guys were best in breed when it came to killing,
but unlike yer author on drugs, and Marto
International, the can't maintain composure as not to
reveal their inner murderous hominid separatist
violent human natures. Dennis and Todd would've either
went serial on our killer asses, or would've drawn yer
fire and simply fucking died.

Just this summer, them fuckers got me all anxious when
they phoned me to brag about how they eliminated my
enemies and that I owed them, to some bizarre logic,
some work up here.

Nup, ain't happening.

A few years ago, make that almost 20 years ago, me and
Ray English were out making deliveries and
collections. We'd finished our last deliveries up
north at the Tulalip Indian Res and down south to the
projects up on Capitol Hill in Seattle better known as
the 'CD', the central district.

We wrapped up our business and headed back to Lem's
Mortuary and Crack House in Mountlake Terrace when I
noticed my 2 cars were gone and the screen on my
bedroom window was all fucked up, bent and dangling by
one corner. The following second both Ray and I were
double checking our firearms.

I told Ray to cover the front yard, but stay out of
the house while I quietly climbed my fence and crept
'round to the back door.

I peeped into my back window and saw the dogs all
growling by the front door, but saw no bad guys. So I
went in with gun drawn only to be pounced on by a pack
of friendly canines truly jazzed to see Karlukmun
jumping all over me, and my gun arm.

Nobody was in the house, but there were tell tale
signs of really bad shit gone wry. The laundry was
packed with all my bath towels and all my paint tarps
and rolls of plastic were also gone.

I'd never seen my house so fucking clean. Even the
carpets were vacuumed and the vac bag was replaced
with a new one.

I blinked the front yard outdoor lights on and off a
few times, then opened the front door to let Ray in.
We both were extraordinarily stressed and I could
smell it.

I grabbed a couple brews from the fridge, a mirror, a
tooter and some blades and prepped a couple of fat
white caterpillars (grawlers) for Ray and I. We
snarfed and gagged down a couple tablespoons of high
grade cat piss diesel, chugged a couple of brews, then
we started warming the phone lines querying darker
white folks where the hell Dennis and Marto were
hiding along with my two favorite cars: a 66 Dodge
Dart and a 72 AMC Ambassador. Unlike Ray's fascination
with brand new Corvettes I preferred common mature
cars blending in with traffic.

We exhausted our speed dialing fingers searching for
the other half of my very own crew of organized
criminals, but none such.

After mucho brewskies and shovel filled snorts of
un-adulterated Bolivian we were startled to hear
familiar sounds of my cars pulling up, driving across
the lawn and around the house parking in the back
yard. A strategy only exercised when shit is fucked
up.

I booked to the backdoor to greet these merry
pranksters and killers, and too quiet the damn dogs.
Their hysteria was both excited and vicious making me
feel much the same.

Dennis climbed out of the Dodge Dart and Marto was
closing the trunk of the AMC, and that's when I saw
the expression on both their faces. Distraught, scared
and nervous: these boys looked like they'd just been
through hell.

Once inside, warmed and knocking back dark beers and
surprisingly large snorts of uncut adrenaline, Dennis
told Ray and I what occurred that evening whilst we
were away.

Marty and Dennis were watching the fort, handling
calls and watching 3 Stooges and Laurel and Hardy
videos when they heard ruckus from my bedroom. Dennis
at first thought it was just me fucking with 'em but
when Marto saw the car out front with 2 black dudes
sitting and waiting, he grabbed an aluminum baseball
bat and tossed it to Dennis.

Dennis kept the lights out and flattened himself
against the wall as my window slid open and a negro
face peeked in. Then he swung the bat with all his
might and pulled Mr. negro inside onto the floor and
whacked him once more on the back of the head leaving
a round crevasse on his broken cranium. Dennis then
stomped on the back of his neck to put him to rest
leaking shit all over my blankets and dirty laundry
lying on the floor.

Marto crept back to look out front and saw the same 2
black crackers just sitting there. Which was cool, cuz
it meant they weren't apprised of their dead ghetto
partner in crime.

In the darkness, Marto and Dennis grabbed their guns,
crept out the back door, along the side of the house
past Cully's green van and simply approached the car
with guns drawn and aimed directly at the faces of
each porch monkey. Quietly and calmly, Dennis told
them to get out of the car and lay on the ground.

They complied while Marto tossed the car finding a
whole mess of firearms, plastic cuffs and 2 Tasers.
Here's the weird part. These fuckers obviously had
plans for my ass. Thank God for natural born killers
like you lads. Then and now: everything stays the
same.

Marto grabbed a Taser, turned it on, placed it on the
back of their necks and zapped both uninvited guests
into submission. Dennis and Marto then dragged them
into the house by the scruff of the their nappy necks.


Dennis put the dogs out back cuz they were trying to
attack and chew the fuck outa the 2 unconscious
Nigerian Candidates. He then grabbed a pillow and my
22 pistol from my bedroom, stepping over dead negro #1
and came back to the living room. Marto gave a quick
look out the window and gave Dennis the thumbs up
signal, whereupon Dennis put the pillow on these two
crooks for sound suppression and shot each hoodlum
twice in the head.

Marto quickly wrapped them two with our old painting
tarps and mopped up the bits of blood and shit with my
all towels out of the bathroom. Dennis ran out front
and drove my cars around back while Marto dragged our
3 uninvited guests to the back door.

The dogs were dragged inside while the 3 corpses were
dragged outside and Dennis dumped our rolled tarp and
plastic packages into the trunks. Marto started up the
nigger rig and drove it to the Mountlake Terrace
swimming pool and parked it next to some other cars
that looked like they hadn't been driven in months. He
did another quick search of the car, finding nothing;
he wiped off the steering wheel, front dash and
shifter and jogged back to my house.

When he arrived, Dennis already had my 2 cars out
front idling and warming up. Marty hopped into the AMC
and the two of them drove very carefully to the I-5
onramp and headed the 30 odd miles up to the
Marysville and the Smokey Point turn offs.

After they pulled into my parent's 7-Lakes wooded lot,
they parked the cars so that the headlights would
illuminate my grandpa’s old outhouse.

Marto and Dennis pushed and dragged the outhouse
aside, popped the trunks and dragged all 3 leaking
corpses over to the exposed and deep shit hole where
the outhouse once sat.

With gallons of old paint, thinner, rusty gasoline and
tons of used motor oil, Marto and Dennis burned up a
pile of firewood and branches and all traces of
criminal activity.

What's weird is that after they torched these lifeless
sub-humans of nil value they also burnt up 50 years of
Viking shit and piss leaving a far deeper hole than
before. So they went behind the sauna and dug some
fresh soil to cover up the layer of ashes, brittle
bones and incinerated shit.

Then they pushed and dragged the outhouse back atop
the shit hole, and booked back to Mountlake Terrace.

Take note: this wasn't the only time poor shot to piss
motherfuckers were disposed of on grandpa’s wooded
acreage up at 7-Lakes. If you recall I relayed to you
killers about those goons that followed me from
Shoreline Community College to Franky's (spanky's)
place, beat us to bloodied shit with pistols and rifle
butts in a failed attempt to raid our grow rooms.
Well, they're also burnt to shit and buried there at
7-Lakes.

My childhood swim team and Hitler Youth performed
numerous group burns and bury, I'll make a few calls
back to Washington for clarification on the number of
times we utilized fire, dirt and tree roots as means
to dispose, disintegrate and digest useless fuckers
not worthy of the skin they wear.

Rob Fry was simply drowned in Catfish pond just below
5 corners, but we drank and smoked his ass into
oblivion before he met his maker at the hands of my
blond swim teammates.

Alas, I no longer surround myself with Anglo
motherfuckers of European descent, just you graying
gunslingers and uniformed felons.

I'm so sappy some days. My recollections of shitty
crimes against sub-humanity give me a boner and bring
a tear to my eye. Makes a man proud to have evolved
from a sick twisted freak into simply an older sick
twisted freak. It takes one to know one: you tell me.
Birds of feather fuck together.

I sing of Norsemen glad and proud, blonder than you
yet braver than I.

Here in Alaska, this sort of violent teamwork has
reared its ugly head. Just take a look at what
occurred in Homer.

I was never there. That's my story and I'm sticking to
it. If I HAD been there, you surely wouldn’t be
reading about it for another 20 years and the poor sod
they mutilated and tortured would be chopped up and
dropped down into the septic tank behind the red house
on Lucky Shot Trail Road in Willow.

Have gun will travel. Who’s on your list today?

Kevin.

---

Man allegedly tortured to sign confession

Investigators uncertain if attackers had the right
perpetrator

By Layton Ehmke Homer Tribune November 29, 2006

Nineteen-year-old Mihay Kalugin, Homer, was reportedly
badly beaten last Tuesday night in what may have been
revenge for a car-burning the evening prior. According
to officers, Kalugin was kidnapped, brutally assaulted
near the Homer Ferry Terminal, then eventually dropped
near his home in the woods by Falls Creek Drive off
East End Road.

A family member initially brought Kalugin to South
Peninsula Hospital early Wednesday morning for
treatment.

According to Alaska State Troopers, three men
allegedly assaulted Kalugin so severely he could not
be properly interviewed — he could only say the first
name of one of his attackers. Troopers then linked
that name to a car burning the day prior — a newer
model Lexus sedan that the Homer Volunteer Fire
Department responded to and extinguished. The fire
might have motivated the beating, but Kalugin is
neither suspected as an arsonist nor car thief.

Savva Basargin, 25, of Homer, Alexander Sergeev, 22,
of Anchorage and Vladimir Bystrov, 21, of Anchorage
are accused of the incident, and were charged Thursday
for first-degree assault, kidnapping and tampering
with evidence. The charges are all felonies.

That night, Kalugin said he knew Basargin was looking
for him, when he saw a white van pull into the
terminal as he waited for a Ferry ride to Kodiak for
commercial fishing, the report stated.

Kalugin said as he saw the van, he ran down the beach.
He stopped when his attackers allegedly fired a gun
into the air and ordered him to do so. This, according
to the charges, was then followed by Kalugin's account
of a lengthy torture.

Through an interpreter, he said he was first dragged
back to the van where they began to beat him.
The men then allegedly took him to a garage where they
tied him to a chair, pummeled him with “hard objects”
and threatened to kill him.

His father, Vasily Kalugin, said his son was then
transported to a house where his kidnappers
interrogated him for at least two more hours in a
garage. As part of that effort to get Kalugin to
confess to playing a role in an attempt to steal the
car’s speakers, his kidnappers drove a nail through
his left middle finger and threatened to cut off his
hands.

“When I first saw Mihay in the hospital, I turned
around and just walked out of the room,” Vasily said.
“I couldn’t look at that ... who would do things like
that? We can’t understand why, and it has to be the
first time that’s ever happened in Homer."
Kalugin is scheduled for facial surgeries this week.
"Mihay is in bad shape ... you know, another good,
hard knock to the head — that might have really done
it. It’s still a shock to us," Vasily said. "We’ll
just take it one step at a time. "

Hospital staff further noted blackened eyes, swollen
lips, several skull fractures, and tears to the inside
of his mouth and throat. Vasily said those came from
the barrel of a gun.

The suspects allegedly pistol whipped Mihay so
severely, they broke and smashed his front teeth into
his face. His left cheek bone was shattered, and his
face is sunken in.

After allegedly being forced to sign the bloodied
confession letter, Kalugin said the kidnappers drove
him back to West Falls Creek Road by his home, and
left him to walk to a friend’s house where a family
member later picked him up.

Kalugin was still not able to speak when contacted by
the Homer Tribune on the Saturday evening following
the attack — so his father spoke for him saying his
son was not involved with anything to do with the
Lexus.

Troopers tracked the white van to Basargins’s house
north of Homer in the Belnap subdivision on Diamond
Ridge, where they found Basargin, Sergeev and Bystrov,
and the bloody clothes they’d tried to wash.

Troopers also found the multiple-page confession
letter signed by Kalugin. Basargin, according to
Alaska Bureau of Investigation Investigator Eugene
Fowler, admitted to tracking down and kidnapping
Kalugin because he’d heard he had torched his car. He
said he’d beat him up, and “probably” hit him over the
head with driftwood, and made him write a confession
letter. However, he has denied to taking him to
another location or having a gun in the assault.

Bystrov and Basargin, Russian nationals with student
visas in Anchorage, denied taking Kalugin to any other
locations.

Troopers went to the beach and reportedly found the
driftwood, blood-spattered snow and a BB gun.
The accused were unavailable for comment.

Fowler said the charges against the suspects are
extremely serious, and the next step to the
investigation will go to grand jury, and additional
charges may follow — but all the facts regarding the
case are not yet in, Fowler said.

Stories also differ on the detail of what happened
after Basargin was kidnapped and made to write the
confession letter. Basargin said they took him back to
Razdolna, but Sergeev and Bystrov say they let him go
at the terminal after they got the confession.

“The case remains a high priority and we’re still
conducting interviews ... people need to be held
accountable for their actions,” Fowler said. “We still
need to put the pieces of this case together.”
The suspects were held a short time in Homer Jail
without bail, then taken to Wildwood Pretrial Facility
in Kenai where they are now held.

The Alaska Bureau of Investigation post in Soldotna
has taken over the case, and Fowler said anyone with
knowledge of the incident should phone him directly at
(907) 262-4453.

Alaska State Troopers Spokesman Greg Wilkinson
wouldn’t comment on the severity nor frequency of
similar crimes throughout the state.

Mutt and Jeff done kicked some Eski-Ho buttocks. Support your local gunfighter.

Top of the morning gents,

Nothing witty, scathing or pissy, just 2 clippings
from the AST Public Info Office website...

My swollen crystal balls tell me of mass withdrawal
and some mighty cranky fucking Niffs. Sobriety just
ain't in the program 'round these here parts, else
we'd have much fewer ethnic demographics that speak
and smell like crack negroes and much more healthy,
wealthy and wise human beings.

I miss them weird fuckers. I'm overwhelmed with smart,
sober people whenever I travel outside to the real
world.

If the pendulum is swinging towards sanity, sobriety
and cessation of all child rape, we'll soon have to
revert back to calling Pt. Dope: Pt. Hope.

Sad fact of life here in the remote bush. Italians and
Jews display 1-3% relative rates of alcoholism and
Americans displays 6-10% relative rates of alcoholism.
Our ethnic diversity elevates our relative levels of
alcoholic devastation.

Here on the res, Native Americans display 45-75%
relative rates of alcoholism. Sucks to be you.

Worse yet, so much of the current bastard culture is
dirtied with shit from another culture: Euro/Judas
festive drinking to their health-now the number 1
contributor to all assaults, violence, rape, death and
incarceration.

Eskimo alcoholics and drug addicts pay more for their
booze and drugs than anybody else in the entire
planet. I can fetch $3,000 a pound for high grade
chronic, but the resale price out in the village is
EIGHT times wholesale.

Now that is just fucking weird.

Way to go Squish, Janton and Columbo.

You sons of birches sure pierced the grabby aboriginal
la cosa nostra. Insidious as it is, the chronic drug
scene on the North Slope comprises of more pot,
cocaine and meth. The booze dropped off after I sold
all the booze from from the back stock at the Bush
Pilot Bar and you star chamber motherfuckers
facilitated the shut down of Logan's Runs.

Count your blessings I was dumping 500 bottles of
liquor every dividend season up in Barrow-not here in
Eskimo Harlem. Ukpeagvik scralings will forever enjoy
fucking all you Kikiktagruk ghetto dwellers-truly
robbed of economic development and wealth creation.

All my Barrow neighbors just received almost $4,000.00
for every shareholder. EVERY man, woman and child
received a FULL shareholder payout and life insurance
benefits. Barring suicide, every dead Ukpeagvik pays
out $500,000 to the survivors. What's in your wallet?

Sucks to be surrounded by poor brown peoples:
tolerable when surrounded with darkies that at least
got some fucking money.

My exodus from Helsinki to Barrow and here is akin to
sliding down the totem pole of human unkindness with
pesky runt scralings contributing to the slivers in my
ass.

You guys are angels in my book. Rural angels, but
angels nonetheless.

Bite my dick.

Karluk.

---

AK Bureau of Alcohol & Drug Enforcement

Location: Kotzebue
Case number: 06-103976
Type: MICS IV (X2)
Text: On 11-28-06 at approximately 1200 hours,
Kotzebue ABADE contacted Raymond Frankson Jr, age 30
of Pt Hope, at a local airline as he prepared to
depart Kotzebue for the village of Pt Hope. Incident
to the contact, approximately 11 grams of cocaine were
seized. Frankson was arrested and a search warrant was
authorized for his luggage. During the search,
approximately 1 pound of marijuana was seized which
has an estimated street value of $25,000.00. Frankson
was charged with Misconduct Involving a Controlled
Substance IV (2 counts) and transported to the
Kotzebue Regional Jail. Frankson is being held
without bail pending arraignment.
Author: JMB1
Received and posted Tuesday, November 28, 2006 6:30 PM

Location: Kotzebue
Case number: 06-103981
Type: MICS IV
Text: On 11-28-06 at approximately 1201 hours,
Kotzebue ABADE contacted Guy Omnik, age 24 of Pt Hope,
at a local airline as he prepared to depart Kotzebue
for the village of Pt Hope. Incident to the contact
approximately 1 pound of marijuana was seized which
has an estimated street value of $25,000.00. Omnik
was charged with Misconduct Involving a Controlled
Substance IV and transported to the Kotzebue Regional
Jail. Omnik is being held without bail pending
arraignment.
Author: JMB1
Received and posted Tuesday, November 28, 2006 6:38 PM

Monday, November 27, 2006

Only the good die young. What the hell is our excuse?

Top of the morning gents,

Fuck me in the goat ass, I'm now a no bike, walking
the dog armed motherfucker.

All summer since pert near break up, me and bun
rallied the shit outa our bikes hauling fucking ass
all over Kikiktagruk Spit like a Viagra sponsored race
car, except mine has wipers on the inside of the
windshield.

We pegged out the odometers tripping through mud, bugs
and drugs and all those killer little tundra trails
criss-crossing Eric Nelson’s camp and dog lot. I
almost shot my own knee cap off trying to shoot
fleeing scared rabbits and mice out of the grass,
whilst wagging a drunken baked ass pistol about.

When I unleash the neighbor's dog for fun and games,
our North Tent City tundra rally mish takes on a whole
different strategy. It's a bitch to play follow the
dog as best as a nulaammi oosik possibly could and in
defiance of legal BAC and gay politically erect
counter culture green teeth impairment, whilst I try
to keep up with the racing mutt whilst keeping an eye
out for speeding rabbits and mice to shoot.

Thank God for smooth pavement and gusts of wind at yer
back. We rode the damn wheels off our bikes pulling
speed runs up and down 5th avenue from my porch past
the senior center all the way down to the airport to
see what Columbo, Mutt and Jeff were up to. You can
learn a lot from a dummy you know, learning three
times more from three dummies.

My creativity mirrors my radical mood swings but my
sexual insanity swings quite the reverse. If I ain't
writing distemper to dying killers, drawing silly Don
Martin Mad Comic cartoons or tearing the shit outa my
beater wood guitar, I'm soggying the fuck outa
grandma's side of the bed creating sexual graffiti of
the most aboriginal mural.

I doubt you boys enjoy hearing bad words from folks
safe from mind failure, but the ravings of a rural
Alaskan lunatic living next door oughta be pretty
fucking kewl. Okay, back to why I gotta walk like a
Norwegian. I only curse like an Egyptian.

Friday afternoon Ernie Norton backed his truck up to
our steps and in zero seconds flat, I watched in
amazement as me and me bunnik's bikes were absconded
divinely to the Episcopal Church Christmas Rummage
Sale.

Didn't I just buy those fucking bikes?

Fuck all, I won't be able to ride until May or June of
2007. I'm whining like a bitch ain't I?

Columbo forecasted one season per mountain bike,
especially when the operator is a little too tall,
could'a used a few pounds of common sensemilla.

I'm fully aware of the rapid depreciation syndromatic
to toys and hobby craft. My wife's sewing machines
wear at predictable slopes, I replace a component to
this Arctic Computing Station every time I grease the
cat's butt, but just t'other day, I watched my
hunnerth bike get led away to the bone yard. Fuck you;
I get emotionally attached to my mountain bikes more
than any fucking dog or goat.

I'm such a pussy. No more BWI, biking whilst impaired:
high, stoned, ripped, and wasted on coffee, vitamins
and Ritalin. As my strength steadily improves and my
overall muscle mass hardens, my natural Rocky Mountain
High also becomes far more enjoyable.

I ain't got slug tracks behind me to coast and slide
on, just size 13 Sorrell footprints in the snow. I
long ago ditched my felony flier: a customized pair of
Sorrell boots with size 7 ladies winter boot soles
screwed, glued and silicone sealed to bottom of my old
fucked up boots. Why on Earth would I need to mislead
anybody into wrongly believing that a child or woman
had walked about a crime scene, when they dint. Just
the tall Finn better known as yer author on drugs.

The blues of bygone bikes ain't the primary reason
y'all better thank God yer still above ground instead
of sleeping dirt under my outhouse. Over the weekend
our blessed little village of unimaginable painful
remoteness suffered another arctic weather and alcohol
related death.

Sometime this weekend, rumors started buzzing 'round
town about some kid that was found frozen solid on the
playground near the school. Some kid named Joe Carter
Jr. I recall, partied too hard down at Ray Karmun's
place with my nephew Bryant Tikik Jr.

Them thugs went way too fucking native. We's cool with
partying till ye puke, but don't go all goddamned
Mongoloid on my ass and party till ye fucking die.

After chugging down R&R and StaggerMeister, wandering
home in blizzard conditions, this Buckland villager
ultimately laid down to rest, but on accident pulled
off a Rip Van Winkle 'skimosicle nap where lots of
little kids would most likely stumble upon his rock
hard frozen ass Monday morning.

Good thing you graying gunslingers fetched that poor
lad yesterday, cuz dead bodies tend to distract Inukun
midgets from the superior learning compulsory
education inevitably guarantees. I'm kidding, public
schools, like public housing and public toilets are
for working class proletariats, not bourgeois
motherfuckers.

Nup, not a pretty thing to discuss, but necessary.

Ya see, my evening walks normally steer me towards
disorderly driving, auto accidents yielding messy and
broken Eskimo dolls.

Which is odd, because early Sunday morning, all the
neighborhood dogs cried and howled something awful.
Not the aggressive barking ye hear like when natives
walk by, but a sorrowful howl that awoke bun and I to
altered states of irrational emotives.

Don't laugh, just cuz I've been bitten by dogs on all
continents don't mean I can understand what the fuck
they're yipping about, but my Siberian Mrs. sure can.

Since before birth that gal has haunted me. I used to
have dreams as a child of making love to older pretty
women of Mongolian Steppe heritage: pre-adolescent
sexuality being clue #1 of reincarnation: or
symptomatic of reading too much Jack London.

You know what the fuck I’m squacking about, else you
graying gunslingers woulda never fled nightmares of
serial murders arriving here to only dream about them.

Ya see, ya’ll have had strokes: code for catharsis,
epiphany and revelation. You’ve also learned why all
yer justifiably violent homicides are best left way
back in yer misspent youth. No grasshopper, those
nightmares of gore are real. These hellish sleep and
waking disturbances aren’t hellish if the life you
expired was of no consequence. Ye can’t kill the dead,
ye can’t rape the willing, so quit worrying, yer
secrets will die with us.

By the way, I smile at your histories of violence.
Hard nipples and drippy dick dudes.

I seen all of ye stressed out beyond fucking repair,
gulp a plug of chew and coffee, spark up a cigarette
and get back out on the road. That’s why I write to
only composite caricatures, not real healthy humans
thus allowing you boys to travel back and forth
between the smoking section of this cat box I cordoned
off in yer imaginations, then back to your family
lives I’ve taken special care to diplomatically avoid
at all cost.

I don’t even know the names of any of your kids,
better that way. A vampire requires permission to
enter your domicile. Best I beware of the moors and
stick to the roads.

I only demand your virtual attendance here. It’s
cheaper, safer and healthier. Had all of us suffered
the same disorder, we’d all be frozen meat just like
that poor lad you are currently defrosting at the
moment. Remember gents; we live on a fucking
reservation. No good deed goes unpunished.

You boys keep up the good work; God willing, I’ll see
you at my 85th birthday. Shit, half this region will
be long dead and forgotten when we reach Commander
Craig's age.

If you do perchance pass on before this date 40 years
into the future, I’m sure Joe Carter Jr. will be happy
to greet you. He’s indebted to you for picking up his
frozen corpse before a bunch of Inukun midgets found
him on the way to school.

Karl.

---

Middle Aged Men Can Live Long If They Want

If you are a middle-aged man and you want to live a
long time, all you need is a good lifestyle - some
good genes would also help. Make sure you don't become
obese, remember to exercise regularly, keep your blood
pressure down, avoid the boozy lifestyle and keep away
from foods high in refined sugars, say experts from
the Pacific Health Research Institute, Hawaii, USA.

You can read about this new study in the Journal of
the American Medical Association (JAMA).

If you look after yourself in this way your chances of
reaching 85, and being healthy at that age, are five
times greater than for men who stray off the beaten
track.

The researchers looked at data on 5,820
Japanese/American males - they had been monitored for
four decades. The men were initially monitored in 1965
- at that time they had an average age of 54 and were
all healthy.

They were followed up in 2005. The scientists found
that the following, either in isolation, or in
combination, significantly influenced whether the men
lived a long life, and also whether their extra years
were healthy ones:

-- obesity
-- alcohol consumption (3+ drinks a day is too much)
-- high blood sugar
-- hypertension (high blood pressure)
-- high level of triglycerides

All the factors listed here contributed towards a
reduced lifespan and a higher chance of being
unhealthy during old age.

They found that a man who had drunk a lot, was fat,
had high blood pressure, smoked and had high levels of
sugar and triglycerides in his blood would have a 78%
chance of never living till the age of 85. His chances
of reaching 90 were just 6%.

However, a man who had drunk either nothing or
moderately, had not been overweight, exercised
regularly, did not smoke, had normal blood pressure,
normal blood sugar levels and normal levels of
triglycerides, had a 69% chance of reaching 85 - and
also being healthy at that age.

Dr. Bradley Willcox, study leader, was surprised at
how starkly the different lifestyles influenced
longevity and health. He said that smoking is the
major factor here, closely followed by high blood
sugar during middle age. The scientists also found
that a middle-aged man's grip strength was closely
linked to his lifespan - the stronger his grip, the
longer he is likely to live. As grip strength is
linked to physical fitness, middle-aged men should
make sure they do regular physical exercise, they
said.

Other factors influence how healthy men are likely to
be when they are old - the higher the academic level
of a man, the healthier he is likely to be when he is
old. Married men live longer than single men, but do
not enjoy better health during old age (perhaps they
live longer because their wives help them remember to
go to their doctors, get their medications, and take
them. Also, spouses can become carers).

The study covered the mid sixties to the turn of the
century, before many drugs came onto the market.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Did someone ring the Great Alaskan bar bell so fucking hard he hit it completely off the hook?

Top of the morning gents,

I fucking hate to awake Monday mornings to news some
baked Alaskans made some serious mistakes in judgment.
Yer chuckling, but parallel to some respectable
insanity waste deep in Kikiktagruk Spit and Bile, we
also got a slew of AK's most extraordinary behavioral
amplitude and frequency failed modulators getting
notoriety completely unaware of the devil's right hand
pulling their puppet strings.

Oh yeah, this forum expects inappropriate fucking
language: AK's best psychos with the devil's right
hand up their catcher's mitts and penis holsters.

Awakening sore and sober, I made a pot of strong,
burned some steaks for breakfast, and then took a long
stroll in the dark and cold to look for spent shells.

Folks went whack this weekend. I may have also.

I awoke Sunday morning early to gunfire. As a habit, I
look at a clock for a time/date stamp to visualize
whilst cross-examined and anal probed by sicker fucks
with law degrees. Ye never know when a warrant
convincingly invites yer author on drugs to sit a
spell and kindly tell the court how a congenitally
artful dodger ain't lying if his lips is squacking.

Berserkers and bipolar bears. That's what I see.

And feel.

I failed to find any empty shells on the frozen pond
behind Chukchi College, also none found on my return
loop back past Beuler's and Karmun's, Nelson's,
Wernecke's nor Hogan's or old man Thompson’s.

Must've been another auditory hallucination, or me
bunnik was out sleepwalking, sleep killing. Again. She
has a knack for possessed strolls and out of body
missions of extraordinary violence.

I'm betting none of ye suffer violent mood swings nor
multiple personality disorders that Finns believe are
spells when we truly aren't being ourselves, some
wretched creature with menstrual dimension weapons of
menopausal destruction.

None of ye can claim the sanity plea, cuz the fuckers
ye macked truly deserved it. In the paradigm of good
and evil, right and wrong, us and them, you'll only
meet dictators and lunatics. Or some shit. But
deserving of powder burns on their fucking face
nonetheless.

"I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die" (J.
Cash).

Like minds eventually surface and reunite, same shit
happens whenever I return to any of these remote
villages tracing the Arctic Coast of Alaska.

Here's a funny notion. I may have to return to the big
city of Anchorage just to sober up.

Happens EVERY fucking time. Whenever I get back out to
super remote villages where I can't make sense of the
language nor it's speakers for the dead, I get lost in
time and space. I loose my place.

It ain't the blackouts that trouble me, it's the
chards of glimpses of misplaced memories I pray I
ain't the guilty party to.

Since returning to isolation exquisite and magnified
despair, me thoughts decay not towards original, but
dare I say aboriginal. Ain't no fucking accident we
all blindly list back to this ancient war zone of mass
graves. I'm immune to its ghostly affect upon the
murderous tendencies and justifiable violence y'all
try so hard to conceal on soil that's gone bad.

I smell bullshit. Wait, it's my upper lip.

Okay fuckers. You tell me. Am I the only one that
barely gets through the day without studying mental
plans of killing everybody in a 1-mile perimeter?

Anger management my ass, I'm fighting every single
fucking day to balance my caloric intake with my
fueled hikes and self-induced hearing loss. My sole
responsibility in life is to walk hand-in-hand with my
Siberian Mrs. all the way to the grave: God willing at
a ripe old age.

The concepts of aging and dying is a might large to
git both hands around. Committing the rest of your
life to a partnership yielding children that are
supposed to leave you makes for feeding, clothing and
sheltering issues to and fro.

Don't get me started again. I got pent up rants
plethora in regards to paying for air travel,
orthodontic and dental surgeries. Some day our
children will thank us, don’t hold yer breath or
nothing. We’ve raised them the best way we knew how,
which didn’t exactly raise the bar that fucking high.

Poor kids have to suffer our legacies. I’m cackling
evil ye know? The best cure for sex is old age, and
the best cure for old age is death. Yer born, ye die.
In the middle you do shit. Just don’t forget to git
some humping time in.

Some of you graying gunslingers are failing to
remember some of the myth fodder and shit y'all have
been sadled with. The rumors are true, you know where
the bodies are buried and burned. That's my story and
I'm sticking to it.

All yer bad mood swings and violent physical outbursts
won’t mean shit a hunnert years from now. I’m lying,
that’s what this world will remember of ye violent
arctic dwelling motherfuckers. Hell, that’s all I know
of my gramps, and I’m pretty sure our siblings will be
forthcoming of our stupid shit, long after they pitch
dirt, pine cones and tree seedlings on our faces.

For a hunnert years now, I’ve plugged and chugged each
and every day, hour-by-hour eyes open, powder dry and
dick hard, yet the world still turns.

Sitting here at the Arctic Computing Station, I had
too much to think last night.

North of 70 lat, the pleasure is all mine.

Karl.

Gone Shootin'.

Top of the morning gents,

Goddamn long walk.

I just walked me bunnik to work, then dropped my mail
off at the Post Office. Sent out a giant check
eclipsing the balance of my Alaska student loan. If
you thought education was expensive, try ignorance.

At this point I went out to the beach for an
unobstructed view across the bay towards our private
Idaho, bun's 160-acre allotment. Clear, crisp sub-zero
dark mornings give me wood, and an urge to travel. Or
shoot.

So I did both.

I hiked down past the Evak camp, booked past the new
warehouse at the airport, then crossed the runway. In
no time I was hiking like Paul Bunyan past FAA and
into Little Kivalina.

Ain't nobody living at south tent city no more. So I
picked out some items of curio, then shot the piss
outa them.

NICE fucking gun. Smoothed action and larger rubber
grips work in unison beauty as I touched off a
selection of 38 specials and a few full strength 357
magnums.

Unbeknownst to yer author on drugs, I didn’t know some
primitive tent-dwellers still maintained residence
further down the beach near the old dump (Kotzebue
K-Mart) where me and Danny Burnor used to go pukuq for
Chevy axles, wheel assemblies and hubs and struts. We
also are the guilty parties for lighting the dump
afire every year.

Funny, after us vicious white fucks left town, died or
were incarcerated, some stupid fucker covered the dump
over with a butt load of dirt, thus forever thwarting
our pyro-maniacal masturbation, but also forever
buried all evidence of other horrible crimes you
graying gunslingers have suspected for decades.

After a few rounds I pulled my earplugs out, looked
around for cops, then reloaded. From way down the snow
trail, a pair of loud ass barking dogs came booking
towards me, so I assumed somebody must be living
further down my stretch of snow drifted dark shooting
range on the beach.

I cautiously walked to the old shack me and Cully used
to ditch to a hunnert years ago as a stone grotto,
stepped inside and waited to see how tough these dogs
were.

Those fucking dogs ran all around sniffing the snow I
was just standing and shooting in mere seconds ago,
stood still, hackled their manes, then growled towards
stink man standing inside a dark shack pointing my
revolver directly back at the black lab, keeping my
third eye on the yellow lab.

Those fucking dogs crept towards the cabin, in super
stealth mode, growling really low displaying bright
fangs that made fucking brilliant gun sites.

As they closed in and approached a target distance
easier’n shooting ducks in a bucket, I pulled the
trigger.

Fucking bright flash man, followed by some really kewl
Inuit emphysema throat chanting. My eyes adjusted in
time to see the yellow lab scamper full speed down the
beach ditching his darker brother from another mother
to leak out like a fucking garden hose.

I can just here that yellow lab's thinking, "what's
this 'we shit' nigger?"

I couldn’t even see well enough nor shoot that far
down the beach with a handgun to knock the yellow lab
off kilter into a red slurry tailspin, so I quickly
leveled my revolver back towards Mr. Butt gush and
choke ‘n puke.

No need to cover the black lab cuz it didn’t take
more’n a few seconds fer my wood to simmer down and
fer all the mess to finish and soak the snow like a
strawberry and chocolate snow cone. Which was weird, I
could only see evidence of entry trauma in the nose,
upper shattered dentures and just under the tissue in
the roof of the dog’s mouth: no exit wound. Sure the
bullet yaw and expansion likely shredded blood
plumbing in the neck, but no reason for all the awful
smell. That fucking dog hatched a handsome 6 pound
steamer with a bouquet superior to Child Mo and Reilly
Ko’s honey bucket cabin across the street from
Felton’s.

In the black frosty silence that followed, I again
keened by ears for cops, 4-wheelers or sno-gos and a
mob of angry Inuit peasants.

None such, so I grabbed the leaky mongrel by the tail
with one hand and dragged it into the sigluk next to
my stone grotto Kivilina camp cabin. I tipped the
plywood lid aside, rolled that dead dog into the hole
and then dragged the plywood lid back atop.


With my Sorrell’s, I kicked and shuffled snow all over
that shit ass butcher mess, cleaned my debauchery
boots off, then took a walk further down the beach
after that golden lab. There was still plenty of room
in my abandoned sigluk, like a new SUV, room to seat
8. Fuck all, that dog’s shit is smoked.

Along the way I fetched another fresh round outa me
pockets to replace the single SJP magnum round I just
touched off.

Fuck, I couldn’t find hide nor hair of that beast. I
walked almost all the way to the old shipwreck but
found no signs of dog nor sub-human life to shoot the
piss outa.

Following my footprints in the snow, I backtracked
from the shipwreck up near the dump, hopped that wire
fence and proceeded down that Unnuk Lake Lane back
towards a sleepy snow covered town aglow in blood red
first light.

In the shit ponds there were lots of seagulls and near
where KIC was dredging vitamin-enriched, fecal
fortified sand and gravel from Davis (Unnuk) Lake even
more. Yup, you know what I was thinking.

As I walked in the deep snow, I opened the gun,
emptied it of all the magnum rounds and replaced them
with 38 specials from my bandoleer holster. With a
good ground covering of snow, the sound of slower
hunks of lead won’t carry all the way to the airport
nor town. Besides, plinking and thumping with cheap
ammo, lobbed towards ghetto chickens is still good
fun. Don’t you agree?

Some of the seagulls took flight as I approached. The
frosty beard and long frosty hair may look like Santa
Claus to baby Finns, but likely not to white birds
that eat shit. Plus my gun smelled like hell from
serious boner action and seagulls are like sky rat
ravens, just white trash scavengers equally cagey and
annoying: deserving of my kindness and affection.

To even the odds, I decided to shoot at only the
grounded birds but with only one hand, on the fly, and
walking.

I missed every fucking bird but exploded a lot of
holes in the ice echoing to Squirrel Canyon and back,
followed by cracks and pops in the ice back and forth
across shit pond.

I ejected the spent shells, played pocket pool with
Mr. Wobbly and my mud flaps and counted the hot loads
I had left. Fuck, only 6 rounds remaining. Rules are
rules. I gotta walk all the way back to town: best
load the gun and holster the fucker in case I need
these last 6 live rounds.

DLP defense of life and property, or as I tell me
bunnik on my daily escort walks to work: defense of my
bottom and penis.

Guns are bad and you shouldn’t play with them.

Fuck that. The rule around me bunnik’s house as our
salmon crunching daughter Sara Magnum grew up was
simple: only play with loaded guns. Just take the dogs
with ye. Oh yeah, and take Karlauka moona una with ye
too. He’ll show you how to clean up if you make a
mistake.

You boys have one fine fucking day. I’m bushed and
chilled, that was one damn long walk. If I was
smarter, I’d buy a wheeler or sno-go instead hiking
all over hell and back.

My wife points out the fact that if I did, I’d be as
chubby as old farts my own age. A face a man has when
he is forty is a face he has earned. The secret of my
eternal youth is frequent beatings and lots of drug
abuse.

I’m kidding. Putting a fucking muzzle on me snout and
stinking pie hole along with biking and walking like a
dang fool is more accurate in explaining my drop pert
near 300 pounds down to a skoatch over 2 hunnert. I
see all you happy fuckers driving all over town like
mad fucking demons. I shant covet the junk in yer
trunk cuz I gotta walk or bike, or I’ll die. In my 10
year hiatus on campus and behind bars, all ye bastards
have aged a hunnert years.

Besides I’m trying to keep my felonies to a minimum,
drugs and alcohol, like guns are also bad. Drink and
drive and drive real fast. If the secret police can't
force ye to land, they can't pull ye over.

If any of you graying gunslingers and uniformed felons
want to a menu and wine list from the Viking bar and
grill, ye gotta pop by the wrecked center weight room
from 5 pm till ‘round half 7.

Wake up fucks, I don’t want to attend all yer funerals
cuz I’ll be alone without any violent motherfuckers
with scarred knuckles and tarnished halos to write to.
That’s okay; I’ll pop in on yer wives for a
Scandinavian tune up, core sample and ring count, and
to make sure they are FINE.

What do you care? Yer fucking dead, and I’m not. Be
quiet, I think I just heard somebody yell for womb
service.

Karl.

"It's not that we should stop laughing at drunken native jokes. It's that us natives should stop drinking"

Top of the morning gents,

Goddamned phone just went from an irritant that never
becomes a pearl, to a pleasant surprise.

Now imagine this? I fucking pert near talked my mind
hard. I'm anti-clockwise in seasonal matters of
homicide and Picasso crime scene creations, so you'll
have to beg my pardon whilst "I shove it on down into
overdrive" (Hotrod Lincoln). Summer is fucking over
with and so is my surly tension and hostilities that
mirror and come and go with too much sun.

I ain't the only one and here's how I can tell. Ye
bastards been phoning more as that goddamned sun gits
the fuck outa yer gun sights.

K6, Commander Craig, Agent Octuck, Columbo and a few
murderous sons of fucks from yonder continents, with
shitty accents and on counterfeit Nokia cell phones:
criminals out of satellite surveillance and equal
latitude as you graying gunslingers.

We all been a might manic, so much snowfall and right
fucking on nighttime walkabouts frigid. Staggering
vistas lunar with stars so darn sparkly I swear I
thought I'd taken acid fer breakfast, instead of
Methylphenidate.

Me bunnik's cycling rate is also pushing telltales on
her tachometer. 'Go visit eh Karluk? Nutmoon. Just
out. Mailockseek?. Yoy.' And fer those of ye that
comprehend river rat dialect; ye might be an Alaskan
and truly appreciate evening constitutionals at 27
below zero. Just fucking brilliant.

Got the bright ass lights going, sure as fuck wish I
had some Star Trek pollen plants sprouted. But may
prove problematic since my drinking company is a bunch
of fucking cops.

Oh yeah, hard nipples and drippy dick. In the last few
days I successfully did a Spock mind probe on yer
asses with queries exponential: 20 questions about
real estate maneuvers cubing this number in questions
about radically changing borough and state
administrations.

If any of you foul tempered and justifiably violent
shooters have been on a drunk or stuck in a hotel room
with a naked Eskimo babe, or both, grab yer ass cheeks
and listen up.

Our borough and state are now ruled by Queens.

It's fucking time you quit listening to my arrogant
bullshit about Finland and the NIS-newly independent
states formerly Soviet Bloc Baltic Countries. Pretty
soon we'll be changing the name of the state from
Alaska to Denway, Swedeland or Finstonia or some shit.

I ain't kidding. You obsolete dinosaur motherfuckers
now gotta clue me in on something, what's on the
horizon?

Is Alaska gonna get all faggy like Scandinavia and
offer free education, medicine and transit?

Faggy notion or not, at least offer free medical care
as to equalize our other minorities akin to IHS and
BIA to include blacks, hispanics, orientals. Did I
leave any folks outside the collective non-minority
population?

All these poor folks have experienced how goddamned
groovy being a traditionally disadvantaged entity is.

Now that I think of it, most these folks suffered the
most and for the longest at the hands of my asshole
ancestors. Sucks to be uhmmm, non-albino?

If we add up the last 80,000 years ain't nobody such a
shit ass as Scandinavians. Nup, ain't nobody.

Recent history paints a slightly different picture.
The time clock starts in the year 1066, and the end of
cannibalism too. I've no clue when the rest of ye went
cold turkey on the lukewarm body temp human sushi
knickipaq, but 1066 and the Battle of Hastings
triggered the enlightenment: industrial revolution,
religious reformation.

We’d won all our wars, but as a consequence of
permanently altering worldwide prevailing gene pools
for the better, we stuck around too long and absorbed
too much European, Asian and American thought. Hence
that damn Judeo-Christian thought paradigm virus began
the Viking downfall, artistic, intellectual and
musical pursuits caused us to abandon cultural
traditions yielding Sibelius as a match for Mozart. We
may have inseminated a lot of aboriginal biscuit with
pale alien spooge, but we accidentally sucked up some
pretty righteous and high-minded modern brain
activity. I suspect the same thing happened ‘round
these parts too.

Yup, Christ and Commerce sunk all our battle ships.
Raping for the sake of DNA pollution and pillaging
just for the sake of wrecking other fuckers’ holidays,
smoking thatch and grubbing fellow human rump roasts,
well, just sort out of fell of fashion.

The pagan pussy shredding and beer chasers just didn't
seem to be the proper way to treat another hominid
that also has converted from polytheism to monotheism.
God bless those wretched warring albino retards.
Somewhere I missed out on this cathartic epiphany and
revelation, I still get wood whilst other fuckers
suffer. My dick gets hard at the prospect of
mutilating bad men and bullies.

I’m kidding, I never touched a firearm, nor laid hands
on a fellow human.

Failing to control my poor behavior and in deference
to my overwhelmingly selfish genes, I booked away from
some pretty fucking gay nicey nicey shit, arriving
here. There went the neighborhood. Scumbag from yonder
contributes to a world of misery completely beyond his
control. And yours. If I ain’t writing about crimes
against sub-humanity, I’m committing them.

None of you bastards know anything about difficulties
in behavioral control. My guess is that not a single
one of ye graying gunslingers have committed any
felonies, on this side of that stroke.

If it ain't in the temporal lobes, it never happened.
Leopard can’t change its spots and old dogs even gotta
pay for old tricks. Plus the damaged disc sectors
never defragment.

Those pesky nightmares and daylight flashbacks
yielding mysterious rages and violence unspeakable
ain’t nothing but a thing. Trust me, some things you
CAN drink off yer mind.

Okay, now that we have clear conscience and zero
short-term memory, let me spell it out to you. All you
vicious old coppers and crooks gotta bite yer tongue
with all this 'yes sir' shit and start in on the 'yes
ma’am' shit.

We no longer have the towers of testosterone; you guys
gotta git on board like them fair skinned fairies.
Numerous women served as presidents yonder Vinland,
weird huh?

Makes ye think it's also the reason why the slightly
higher income tax level makes all the mass transit,
medicine and education worth handing our PFD's back to
Uncle, I mean Aunt Samantha by gosh, by golly, by gum.

I don't know if Alaska could ever attain such
enlightenment and social elevation beyond the dripping
misery and maltreatment of the weaker sex, but a Koff
Stout Tram from Homer to Barrow would be pretty
fucking kewl. High-speed rail is way cool to be baked
on. My favorite pastime in egalitarian societies is
smoking some fat chiefs, getting really chinked; hop
aboard bullet trains and then down even more beers and
Finnish white wine (vodka).

At a couple hunnert miles an hour.

No shit. There’s even faster trains in Japan, Germany
and France. The Euro-Rail system still is a matrix of
conventional trains with links to snag the bullet
trains, smoke French or Danish cigarettes, and then
down more champs and Pinot at some pretty fucking
fantastic velocities.

Mind you, in regards to crude oil buying power, these
countries don't have, let's say, the purchasing power
of the United States having nothing to do with world
title in the largest exporter of aircraft, weaponry,
arms and ammunition.

Goddamned pussy ass socially conscious countries with
women presidents and governors and mayors.

Wait, my head was again stuck in my turd cutter;
Alaska and the Northwest Arctic Borough are now manned
by non-men, thus implying all ye graying gunslingers
and uniformed felons are fucking obsolete.

Before any of ye depart this new world, pop by
Columbo’s or 1D25’s quick draw kid’s disposal service
for a list of clients that really loved us. We got
folks all over Alaska that have been just begging us
to use their sinuses as firearms suppressors. See, in
the real world, it’s elderly white men with a
propensity for suicide, not native youth. Better yet,
we tend to take folks with us when we go.

I ain’t recommending murder, but if there’s gonna be a
lot of killing and community clean-up, I pray it’ll be
you lads that’ll be doin’ all the killing. Fuck all,
right mates? “Kill yer partners Max” (James Wood’s
auditory hallucinations in the movie Videodrome).

I'm going to have to tweak my medication. My ears
ain't so good no more and without my glasses I
sometimes take my wife's pills by accident. Just last
weekend my neighbor popped in to match lethal levels
of straight bourbon along with some childhood
amphetamines psychotropic. When I put my glasses on
and discovered us 2 drank motherfuckers had just eaten
a handful of PremPro estrogen supplements, we both
laughed so hard our upper partials into our beer.

I'm so reptilian. My tits are really fucking sore.


Karl.

Corrupt Bastards Club. Since we're all Alaskans, we're all members. Fuck all.

Top of the morning gents,

Whew! Close call.

I almost had to fly up to Barrow and flip one of our
apartments again. But no, our tenant sent two
messages: one via bank statement and another via phone
call stating that she desired to stay in our
apartment.

No shit. After suggesting she could save a bundle on
rent by moving into Low IQ Housing, she did a walk
through inspection of the 2 ghetto squalid shit dumps,
she phoned my back and stated that $1200 is a fair
rent.

This may sound high, but not a single one of you
'skimos have ever lived in Barrow, a whole community
that qualifies itself as truly a "higher class of
nigger."

Whenever you hear comparisons between the varying
levels of poverty across rural Alaska, Luther Jr. and
Felton will do simultaneous high fives, bump hips and
fists, then chime in chorus, "Motherfucking Niff!"

Pert near free natural gas delivers pert near free
heat, hot water and electricity. No shit, our bills
never exceed $200 a month for EVERYTHING. Water,
sewer, garbage, natural gas and electricity.

When I complained to my hunting, raping and drinking
pals that our utilities outside of Barrow were a real
fuck in the ass, their retort was that "it's cuz yer
gay" and "yer ma is a half breed retard."

I fucking love native humor. Straight and to the
point: ethnicity, race and dick skin color amount to
distinguishing criteria of most import.

Felton, Luther Jr., Fat Tony the tundra maggot, Percy
and Perry and Jens, plus a slew of Tikigaq Niffs make
for great child poaching for sport and pleasure. All
native girls can tell that look on a monster's face.

Don't look at me that way; ya'll have porked single
digit biscuit out of sheer masculine amusement and
human cruelty. Out here in the FAZ (fetal alcohol
zone) a little rape makes for happier 'skimo bitches.
Why do you think native women are so complex and
amusing, they've been tortured just as much as all of
us.

I arrived in Alaska in the spring of 1980, right after
a year at UW and a summer all over Europe. And shit
ain't changed in 26 years: flip flop across the pond
or over the north pole for crime and punishment.

My seasonally triggered stir crazy usually sends me
off to school, execute business with me paps or back
overseas for rest and relaxation with really smart
fucking Finns that are genetically perfected for
multiple year drinking vacations.

I get depressed after a few million years partying
around aboriginal darkies; their cultural exposure to
liquor has yet to exterminate the fuck ups and drunken
assholes. Someone really needs to teach the new
generation of runt fuck Inukuns to drink socially,
responsibly whilst achieving a chemically agreeable
singularity in good company and good cheer. Drink to
your health, not injury. Get high, don’t party till ye
puke and fucking die.

My words but a whisper, your deafness a shout. My shit
don't make sense does it?

Parallel universes dudes. That's the spheres of
existence I inhabit: half conceptual and the other
half experiential. As stated before, my personality is
akin to wearing full-length mirror and walking down a
crowded city sidewalk.

The most addictive aspect of Alaska is the subtle
racism prevalent in legislation, game management and
local option law. I also dig all the corruption.

Mind you, ye can't cheat an honest man. Which makes
Alaska the land of opportunity for scam artists,
grifters and drug dealers. Kind of sucks to be a
policeman because community support is glaringly
lacking. Yer on yer own mates.

We got yer backs though. Corruption may be a fact of
life here in Alaska, it comes from runaway government,
socialism and community bullshit economic development
that yields foam panel plants invisible, but absconded
funds 'gone missing.' Since the notion of gray areas
in the application of the law persist, none of the
rules apply to us. Ain’t Alaska great? I call Alaska
“Russia Junior.”

I need to get me one of those Corrupt Bastards Club
hats from Donny Olson or Ben Stevens. The whole world
is corrupt and that's kewl with me.

If yer sick of it, ye gotta move away. America is
right in the middle, dead center in comparison to all
the other shit holes lesser folks call home.

The worst suffering countries can be found in Africa
and South America. I'll attach an article that
explains this shit better'n yer author on drugs.

I don't need to tell all ye graying gunslingers which
countries are LEAST corrupt. You already know, some
folks self-govern better than others. Education is
king and the last fair way to discriminate humans is
by intelligence.

He who governs least governs best. And that motto from
Thomas Jefferson is a common mantra all over
Scandinavia. In the land of the blind, big government
is king.

A ways back, the Helsinki School of Economics gave me
one hell of a going away party and a $1500 Movado
watch for my tenure of service. One Friday I'd
forgotten that same watch on the bathroom sink near
the computer lab. All weekend I worried where the hell
I lost that watch.

Monday, I opened up the computer lab, started all the
machines, went to fill the coffee pot and there on the
sink was my watch. Someone even folded a paper towel
under it like a sort of treasured display.

Why steal when all yer needs are met? Free medical,
free education, free tram/bus/rail passes for
low-income earners and free cafeteria pass cards for
anybody that wants one. ANYONE.

The price for all this? 60% income tax. But without
graduate school or doctoral thesis fees to pay, and
subsidized mass transit saving yer bacon, yer money
ahead. Now if college educations for yer children
ain't in yer budget, then Alaska is more economical
and ignorant.

The tool that eliminates so much corruption is direct
funding of infrastructural programs. The high alcohol
and cigarette VAT value added tax goes directly to pay
for the medical systems. The 100% tax on cars and
excise taxes on gas, tires and oil pay for the free
mass transit system of trams, trolleys, buses and
trains.

Big government is impossible to attain. No program
turf battles, no pork spending and zero bribery
scandals like the Abramoff and JewNo, Alaska's shitty
malarkey the FBI is all over like brown on shit.

Scandinavia isn't culturally addicted to petroleum
products. 60-80% of all electricity made in Europe is
nuclear with the most remote regions using recycled
waste products such as pelletized bark, sawdust and
lumber mill scrap that is burned for combined heat and
power. As soon as you implement alternative fuels, the
diaper heads will go away. No more Hamas-cide
bombings, no more terrorism and no more petrol dollars
to fund Sand Nigger politics of non-Muslim genocide.
Americans love their cars and love to burn up nature’s
most complex hydrocarbons. Such wonderful molecules of
myriad adaptability, and we put a match to them.

Big oil don't much like them fucking Scandinegroes.
They ain't got much use for it. Most mass transit is
electric, including the Trans Siberian Railway that
starts in Helsinki, crosses the Russo-Finn border at
Valnikolai and ending near the Bering Sea.

Even the Russian's are smart enough to utilize
electricity in their rail system with track following
the Nordic Power Grid. Routes that divert away from
this power line grid use diesel electric rail cars
much like America's trains. Smart fuckers eh?

Another blessing for Finns: minimal diversity. No
shit, non-Finns are easily spotted. Just look in the
mirror. There aren't any 'bad words' that some other
sod from a darker mother will invariably find
offensive. Sorry, but homogenous cultures minimize
ethnic conflict AND cunt cramps. Finns also adore the
uniqueness of gender.

This adoration of gender specific beauty is so
refreshing. Nordic women are absolutely beautiful and
Nordic men dig it. Vikings did a good job of
kidnapping the world's most beautiful women leaving
the ugly scralings raped and freezing. Most women
around the rest of the world ain't worth bringing back
home to the Motherland.

To dump all boys and girls into the bin labeled
sameness is insane. The product is compromised to such
an extent where everybody loses. Boys are less
masculine and girls less feminine-gotta keep ‘em
separated.

Sexism is God’s gift to mankind. Racism is inherently
human and humans are genetically racist. As long as
I’ve shit and pissed, raped and scraped here in
Alaska, I’ll never be part of this culture. Eskimo
folks hate white fucking devils and the current rural
Alaskan culture of dependence and social emasculation
makes me want to lick me ass just to get the taste out
of my mouth. The worst of all races are the mixed
breed motherfuckers: they’re the most militant and
embarrass the shit outa the prettier full-blooded
natives that kind of like guys like us.

For you white trash tribesmen to think yer part of
this Eskimo culture: think again. Yer presence is
merely tolerated and you won’t be missed fer shit
after ye git the fuck out of town. No worries,
there’ll be an asshole half-breed helping you with
your luggage.

Don’t believe me? Just ask Commander Craig. When our
squaws croak, we best be gittin’ on and we won’t let
the door kick us in the ass.

Nuff rants, I gotta go and run some errands. I’ll also
remind you maggots to vote today, even if you vote all
over the ballot, just vote.

I don’t care who wins, I just need to know which way
the wind blows and the harness the inevitable
corruption that follows. Chance favors the prepared
mind and the manipulation of future events will
benefit the forewarned and the forearmed.

My battles rage onward and my lunacy apparent, save a
few moments of silent lucidity and the mad clatter of
a machine gun fingers upon this computer terminal.
Think about it. If I was anything besides an arrogant
Finn, there’d be nobody to write to you blessed
graying gunslingers and uniformed fucking felons every
morning. It’s my nature.

God forbid my next reincarnation births me in Selawik
or worse, Bethel then for sure I’d know I was a
fucking retard. For the time being, you can simply
assume I’m one.

You boys have a good morning; I just rang the division
bell. Again.

Have gun, will travel.

Karl.

Please be candid. Courtesy will not be tolerated out here in the smoking section of this cat box.

Top of the morning gents,

I attended a meeting the other day, and pert near
chuckled my pants wet. Willie Goodwin accused
delegates from Fairbanks for being racist.

Ain't that a hoot? Mr. Ice Nigger Bigot himself
bitching cuz Fairbanks folks make the honest mistake
that some native never die, they just smell that way.

Fairbanks is torn to shreds with ethnic conflict and
hominid contrasts. Even me and bunnik were scared
shitless of all the fucked up pickle brained interior
Induns staggering around downtown, and we ain' a
scared a nothing.

During my tenure at UAF I was spoiled with visits from
you lot, on campus and night clubbing. We all was
awestruck at the indigents staggering and sleeping in
the roadways of Fairbanks quite similar to Nome or
Dutch Harbor. Lots.

It's a simple leap of failed logic to assume ALL
interior natives are fucked up drunks, but no mistake
to assume that alcohol is overly stigmatized and
suffering aborigines overly sensitive to how truly
funny non-negroes find this syndrome.

I cackle at Dick Van Dyke's pratfalls, Red Skelton's
antics of over intoxication. As the centuries roll by,
I've relaxed enough to cackle at the epidemic
devastation alcohol has handed my brethren.

Humor is a clever tool jabbing your Achilles heal,
lynch pin and keystone of vulnerability that
rightfully brings both tears and riotous laughter. I
don't know why, it just does.

All humor is merely an exaggeration of silly innocuous
behaviors. In the matrix of human potential, some
language and some ideas will likely upset someone.

That's why ethnic diversity sucks ass. We can banter
with best of 'em, until some sensitive cunt shaped
pear wanders off the reservation and ends up here in
the smoking section of this cat box I cordoned off in
yer minds.

Best buzz kill? Invite naive women or righteous
faggots.

In homogenous cultures, there's no such thing as bad
words. When ye start churning the melting pot filled
with a continent of all immigrants, some arriving
sooner, some arriving later: yer bound to piss off
minds not expanded beyond their personal beliefs and
not fallen off the edge of the Earth.

"The black folks hate the yellow folks, the yellow
folks hate the red folks, but everyone hates the Jews"
(Spike Jones 1960).

Much of your common day language is rife with racist
terminology sublime. Whenever I get short changed at
the store I bitch I got gypped. The word gypped
derivative of gypsy, the meaning self-evident.

As stated heretofore, some stereotypes DO come with
guarantees.

An educated pal from a hunnert years ago once let
loose a doozy. Al Sanders chided me for being cheap.
After brews and drinks, Mr. Sanders snatched up the
bar tab, and then suggested I cover the tip.

Cool enough, guessing the total bill to be 'round a
hunnert bucks, I tossed down a 20, to which Mr.
Sanders asked if I was being a 'bit niggardly are we?'
This quip from a proud black journalist and radio
professional of Nigerian candidacy and loves my acrid
wit dearly.

Fuck it, I asked him how much the tab was and he
informed me it was $150, so I snatched up the twenty,
walked directly to our server and handed the chap a
fifty, thanking him profusely for overlooking Alaska
Statute over serving regs and putting up with zebra
fucking intoxication and loud on color humor.

Mr. Sanders is brilliant, razor sharp tongued and a
pure joy to play 20 questions and fuck yer momma
discourse. Man talk you dip shits. Just good ol' boy
bullshitting just between you, me and the fence post.
Albeit in the company of bright interracial comrades
and iconoclastically strident big fucking mouths. The
dude can dish it in fine form.

This same chap explained to me the origins of the term
'Yankee' as slang that was first and foremost a racial
epitaph derogatory of the Dutch. A Dutch handshake is
a fuck in the ass, Dutch treat means YOU'RE paying for
everything, and going Dutch is code for 'bring your
wallet' these Hollanders are cheap gits.

John Cheese is what Americans called these dike
motherfuckers, but with harsh Netherlander drawls ye
get Yawn Keys. Which is still mocked viciously
whenever yer called a fucking Yank or Yankee.

Continental American folks really hated the 1600's
Dutch super power and owner of New Amsterdam. So much
that as soon as possible, they changed the name to
New York but left Harlem in great white flights.
Look on a map, there are numerous towns and cities .
named Harlem within the diked off regions of Holland.

Here's another. Did you know that despite my
irritating Nordic features, my gramps was called a
WOP?

No shit. A fucking WOP.

If you immigrated to the United States in the 1930's
and didn't have a passport, identification, visa
paperwork you put on the Group W bench. This is where
all them dang foreigners that were With Out Papers
were relegated. And you thought only Dagos could be
called Wops.

The best in breed at slinging acronyms clever are my
hunting, raping and drinking pals up in Barrow: real
fucking artists in the ways of bigotry.

Mack Rock, Felton, Jack Octolluck, Reilly Kuwonna and
your author on drugs cackled evil at SKW meaning Some
Kind of Worker, UICC meaning Under the Influence of
Crack Cocaine, and NSB meaning Never SoBer. You get
the gist of it, much like AFN meaning Alcohol For
Natives.

Don’t get yer panties in a bunch. I dish it too, but I
gotta take it. I earned the monikers of Nigger,
NeeGroid, Stink Man and Oochuk Boy. Nicknames for the
only goddamned tunnik enjoying banter and obviously
derived from Proud Eskimo motherfuckers.

As a matter of fact, the very best nigger jokes I ever
heard are from African natives and the very best
fucking Niff jokes I ever heard were from my Alaskan
native brothers, albeit from darker mothers.

Go figure.

You funny fuckers have all contributed to my junkyard
mind filled with stupid trivia; lacking any
imagination allows me to memorize everything, creating
nothing. Had I not absorbed all yer flavorful
languages, my writing would invariably be entirely
devoid of interest.

And I thank you.

Stop worrying about hurting anybody’s feelings. The
kid that declared the King had no clothes was just
saying like it is, not how we’d wish things to be.
Wishful thinking is bullshit and idealism is mutually
exclusive of realism.

Ye see nothing good stands alone.

Until my gray fills in, I gotta put up with dumb cunt
bitches reciting stupid ass blond jokes assigning
blame for mistakes as blond moments. To which I retort
with menopausal comedy, rotten eggs and dry sap. If
you want to empty a room in 2 seconds and cackle evil
at fleeing tearful pear shaped white women, remind ‘em
that the only moisture in the room ain’t anywhere near
their penis holsters.

Without all them nasty ass white fuckers spilling into
Alaska, you boys wouldn’t cherish my friendship, foul
humor and contrastingly ugly skin hue, eye and hair
color. It's okay, I know most white folks are dumber'n
fuck and claim to embrace the myth of the noble
savage.

Gags ye huh?

White man this, white man that. Who gives a shit?
Human migrations exemplify mobility of labor and
capital. We'd all still be black if none of us decided
to ditch the stinky niggers all around the Olduvai
Gorge and hike out to Asia or Europe. You see, our
differences indicate adaptability to the nth degree.

Next time some self-loathing white trash bitch
apologizes to you for misunderstanding and
maltreatment of all our ancestors, kick her in the
cunt. As you boys age and gain wisdom, you too will
eventually realize that all humans are composed of 50%
tyrants and 50% slaves.

Don't listen to any of that claptrap. We're all
blessed from numerous collisions of numerous cultures.
We are all here today because we've all overcome sheer
terror and justifiable misunderstandings of alien
cultures. Cultural and racial conflict merely
illustrates human nature and human beauty. Complex
equations, but synergy at it's best. Think about it.

Besides, when it comes to abusing chunky white women,
it’s payback time. All races can get in line and kick
that dog, because the whole world hates whiny white
bitches. Trust me, they ain't all that.

Think back to when you suffered through adolescence
and horrid puberty metamorphosis from a cute little
boy into a stinking hairy assed man: painful as shit.
Yer body yanking you all over hell and back, and girls
started looking REALLY fucking good.

Now it’s karma. All them tortuously pretty girls are
wilting and you boys are experiencing the sexually
biased and truly unfair difference between all them
old hags and us handsome, distinguished elderly
gentlemen. Living well is the best revenge.

I thoroughly enjoy dressing up in grand fashion,
draping jewelry and furs on my Siberian Mrs. then
walking all around Alaska just to watch Alaska's ugly
white dikes turn green with envy.

Shit, I caught hell for marrying a fucking native. One
difference, mine is sober, gorgeous and absolutely
brilliant. Quite unlike natives truly deserving
discrimination.

You boys will never know ovarian failure, diminished
oxygen and calcium carrying capacity in yer blood.
Early senility, if it arrives at yer door, ain't from
menopause: strong drink and smoking too much, maybe,
but not menopause.

Finns call it the 72 angels and 72 demons. Every boy
is born with 72 demons on his shoulders, and every
girl is born with 72 angels on their shoulders.

Every birthday, boys and girls swap a demon for an
angel so that by the time we’re 72, all our demons are
pestering the girls and 72 angels surround us lovable
gentlemen. Old folks wisdom parable underscoring the
genuine adoration for Santa Claus symbols of grandpa,
and why grandma is such a mean old bitch. Ain’t her
fault, just her gender. Hell hath no fury as a woman
worn.

God is a woman. And she cursed her own and blessed all
ye graying gunslingers. She also designed way too much
diversity amongst humans. But this may be another
feminine tactic to keep everybody pissed off and in
constant turmoil.

You boys a mixed batch of bastards and if God can love
ye, I oughta be able too.

I don't care if yer Chinese or Martian, I just like
writing to graying gunslingers and uniformed felons
with bad temper, streaks of violence and a nasty sense
of humor.

White, brown, black, red or yellow, don't let sticks
and stones break yer balls, names will forever hurt
you. That is, if ye don't get out much.

Fact of the matter. We are all very different and
we're not supposed to all get along. With the bottom
feeders of any race that is. If I preferred
like-minded morons, I’d hang out at a church, a prison
or a zoo. Not a quaint drinking village with a
terrible fishing problem.

Fuck all. Humans are invariably racist, laugh or cry I
don’t give a fuck. It takes all types to screw up the
universe. Unlimited diversity yields unlimited
potential. Or just bunch of dumb natives, it’s up to
us. Excellence is the best cure for racism. Dumber’n
shit? I’ll hate ye regardless of the color of your
stinky dick.

Given the choice of living with all Finns or all
Eskimos, I think I’ll have bourbon and brew. Make that
a double, on me.

If any of you graying gunslingers are bored, or
thirsty, pop by or shoot me a call @4329. There’s cold
beer in the fridge and a decent merlot in the
cupboard.

Karl.

Holy cow Batman.

Top of the morning gents,

Trash day. Every Thursday, the city garbage truck
loudly idles by, bangs metal dumpster lids and hauls
away all evidence of my existence.

If a sod wished to steal my identity, he'd have to
rummage through nasty ass meat and fish wrappings,
vegetable packages, thread and fleece scraps and empty
Jacobs Creek Merlot wine bottles.

Yup, guilty as charged. Call me a dick weed. Part of
my dietary regime of basically meat, fish and
vegetables includes dodgy supplements like
multi-vitamins, aspirin, alka-holic-seltzer, smoke
stains on my teeth and 2-4 cups of red wine a day.

Oh, and a bag of dried fruit or trail mix every
weekend. After our long walks, talks and hand gun test
firings, me and me bunnik get really old and turn on
the Internet Christmas music. No shit, my blessed
Siberian Mrs. gets really fucking Kung Fu with the
scissors and fabric, whilst I bake.

Wait, my dyslexia ran away asymptotic to my
hyperactive cycling rate.

Whilst I GET baked.

The very best in old Christmas themes you recall from
your youth: Rudolph and Santa Claus musical claymation
specials and animations plus old black and white Bing
Crosby and Burl Ives tracks. All good stuff to kids
now 5 and forty, 6 and fifty years old.

http://www.live365.com/stations/rob9874

I've been through recovery and rehabilitation for my
robust eating disorder: pastries, fried bread and
frosted cinnamon roles. From my return from filling my
passport and arrest record with stamps from a million
fucking countries I've kept the hunnert odd pounds
off. Muzzle on me mouth works brilliant, giving away
all me bunnik's baked sweets and pastries: not so
brilliant.

The cost of raw materials and ingredients is a killer
and then to see bunnik give away Inupiaq methadone and
Eskimo pancreas destroyers, well, kind of pisses me
off.

I'll gladly pour the world a drink, but to see an
entire reservation gobble up my wife’s caramelized
euphoric sugar biscuits makes me madder'n an Eskimo
watching Seinfeld or a skinhead watchin' the
Jefferson’s.

Best we focus on polar fleece material, firearms and
penmanship in matters of mind failure. Genetic and
light cycle experiments mixed with Seasonal Affected
Industrial bong hits is safe, but to add bunnik's
delicious sweets and pastry sugar high blast offs is
most likely non-toxic. Horticultural and diabetic
pursuits may prove stupid.

Just a hop, skip and a jump back in time and north of
70 lat, my Barrow trash would've been fortified to
beat shit. Roots, stems, leaves and shit.

I recycle all my soil by dumping out the old pots,
glean away all the roots, mix in some new soil, wash
all the pots, then let Karluk go crazy and transplant
a million fucking decorative houseplants with weird
fucking names like "Wandering Jews", "Elephant Ears",
and what fucking not.

My whole kitchen floor is covered in a pile of rich
soils that I toss like salad. Bun brings me rooted
cuttings of her favorite Jade or Aloe Vera plants,
holds them at spec whilst I gently scoop and pack dirt
just so. Feed and water, then it's back under the UFO
landing lamps.

Only in rural Alaska can a lad have only manic cycles
yet still be dually diagnosed yet within prevailing
mental health parameters. Fuck it. We got snow all
over, bright low sun that beams through my windows and
sunglasses, and a chill that's fucking refreshing as
pickle juice douche.

Why do the most sick twisted violent fucks from the
Killing Fields of the Pacific Northwest slide a
slippery slope upward to evermore lethal territory
where the soil's gone bad? I'm clueless.

We got trigger happy motherfuckers from Janton, CA and
covert militia thugs from Michigan crushing ribs and
vertebrae on lower life forms and Navy Squids mucking
about arresting all sorts of poverty and filth.

Where the fuck did all these A-holes come from and why
choose to live on Kikiktagruk spit where 3 mass graves
are packed to brim with our wives' gramps and grams?
Christians do some weird shit, but to dump a whole
herd of Inukuns in a pit sounds mighty Muslim to me.

Alaska is by default a colony and suburb of Seattle,
Washington, yer almost granted dual citizenship if yer
parents are Scandinavian Jews, or in Mountlake Terrace
terminology, Scandinegroes and Northern European fair
skinned fairies.

Don't ever forget where y'all come from. No culture
has a monopoly on beauty and no religion has a
monopoly on truth. Fuck all right mates?

I pulled a little Voltaire on yer asses. Tricky ain't
I?

From this perspective of ugly objectivity, examine the
detritus and debris that's littered all over Alaska
after a multitude of cultures collided. Such
collisions both decapitate and hobble once great
cultures. The best way to destroy aboriginal cultures
is to throw Christ and Commerce at them.

That last sentence was synthetic in derivation: I
kyped it from numerous conversations with you graying
gunslingers and uniformed fucking felons.

Don't feel bad; Christianity basically emasculated the
Nordic tribes too. Join the club.

We shant neither slaughter nor eat darker white folks
nor enslave shorter browntards neither.

Shucks.

Ways back, the doctor took Irish slaves and Inuit rump
roasts off the dinner table. This reincarnation I
forced me self to omit pastries, sweets and fried
bread from my diet.

What next, cigarettes and alcohol?

Seems best we simply eat our pharmaceuticals, smoke
our fiber and drink anything alcoholic and too thin to
chew.

Hank, why do ye drink? Why do ye smoke? Yup, not being
our parents still ain’t being ourselves. Some family
traditions are just too good to cease.

As we roll gently through impending darkness, cold and
rounds of drinks at yer friendly neighborhood Viking
bar, take time to hug yer kids, kiss yer wives and
kick the dog. Every winter is special, albeit
disruptive to your mental health and a slip in your
sobriety.

You boys behave, or you’ll find a lump of coal in yer
condom.


Karl.

I don't know. I was really drunk at the time.

Top of the morning gents,

Been having some weird dreams lately. A genre of near
lucid nightmares seems to put me in the same fucking
places.

Frequent slumber adventures start with me playing hide
and seek in some shit hole where I can't make sense of
the language, my parent’s farm just beyond the 200th
street South of Everett or hiding from the secret
police inside a fish tote way in the back of the blue
Whitney Foods building.

Weird huh?

I once stole a bunch of guns, a walrus headset and a
tasty bundle of cash. Those thefts were easy enough;
we had keys to the building. Duh, why break when ye
can simply enter?

Being dumber'n posts, we figured that pickings was so
easy, we oughta return to the scene of sweet crimes
and take another rapist's run at the lowest hanging
fruit.

You graying gunslingers remember that winter. Deep
snow, dark as hell, late at night and within the city
limits of Kotzebue: me, Chris and Ken sneaking about
early in the morning. One morning after cleaning the
trooper building and the courthouse, we chugged down 2
fifths of cognac and snarfed down way too many
tablespoons of cocaine, so Chris suggested we pukuk
all through the Eskimo building: again.

We booked along the packed snow trail to the Bingo
entrance and split up in search of shit to steal. I
immediately went upstairs to Manillaq's offices,
whilst Ken and Chris went downstairs to pilfer as much
building materials, hardware and tools out of the KIC
basement.

I rallied upstairs, opened up the stairwell door when
I think I crapped a wristwatch, some Crisco and a fist
fuck. I could hear music down the hallway so I crept
along the wall as silently as a cocaine/bourbon high
could allow. Some staffers leave their computers on
24/7 putting a password on the screen saver
effectively locking their station for the night. But
where the fuck is all this loud music and gaming sound
effects coming from?

Just as I leaned silently around the corner to get a
good look, a man in the dark cleared his throat,
flicked a lighter, lit a cigarette, took a deep pull
endeavoring to eat the entire smoke, then adjusted his
chair with loud squeaks.

I fucking had a heart attack. There in a dark office,
sitting at the computer playing a jamming combat game
was a fucking cop. Lorin Downing and his inept gun no
less.

Over the subwoofer concussions and explosions I swore
he could hear me shit me britches. Nup, just the
excess drugs and alcohol talking through my chest,
ears and bloodstream.

I booked back down the hall, downstairs to grab those
two dummies and git the fuck outa Dodge. They thought
I was fucking with 'em loading their arms up with all
sorts of air driven screw guns, nailers, compressors
and hoses. I had to really fucking explain that we got
bacon bits overhead and he's gonna hear us for sure.
Ken went pale first, told Chris to shut the fuck up
and grab what he had and scram.

As we crept out the Bingo entrance, I shushed them and
pointed to the brightly lit office window, then Chris
went pale too.

We loaded everything into the green truck, idled
quietly backwards with the headlights off and rallied
straight across the snow-drifted field to the Capone's
to offload and lock up all the tools and shit.

Like a bunch of dumb ass rednecks, we discovered that
sloppy second story strafing could prove stupid. Wait,
that wasn't a dream. Hmmm, must have been before the
stroke. Wait, what year is this?

Where was I? Oh yeah, where I kyped the walrus head
set. Gumby's buddy James, the other fat fuck offered
to sell me an unsealed tusk set for $500. What a
fucking idiot, he stated that he'd hold them until
after he got back from vacation.

One week later, I booked from house 420 down to Wade
Laws' place for wake and bake, coffee and bong hits.
From his upstairs window I watched fat fuck II James
and Kathy Milligan load their luggage into a cab
heading to the airport. Another hour of foggy mountain
breakdown toke-latte at Wade's, and he was ready pick
up Mrs. Lane for lunch, so we parted ways.

Wade took off on his sno-go, I pulled out my most
scratched up credit card with the trimmed corner, slid
it forcefully down the door jam and walked into fat
fuck II's apartment and phoned Calvin Monroe at Yellow
Cab for a quick pick up at '10-plex back.'

This gave me only a minute or two to find and steal my
desired item. No fears mates, yer author on drugs is
highly trained in the ways of espionage: I fucking
ransacked the fucking place.

In all, I kyped 2 pistols, the walrus tusk head set, a
killer glass bong and Randy Kem's sister’s purse
absolutely packed with other people's credit cards,
checkbooks and a decent pile of cash. How her shit got
in my pillage path is beyond me, but not my Viking
pillaging.

I heard Calvin Monroe honk his horn from Tucker's
side, so I grabbed my booty filled trash bags, quietly
exited the newly trashed shit dump apartment and
headed for the dumpsters, and Calvin's Yellow Cab.

Nothing went into the dumpsters, but I did lift and
slam the metal lids as loud as I could, then hopped in
the cab greeted with "Hey there dumpster diver!" Funny
fucker Calvin Monroe, laugh it up faggot. We booked in
time and space reappearing here today.

That same walrus tusk headset is still hanging way up
high on the wall inside the Senior Center. Way back in
the late 80's the IRS received a charitable donation
receipt reducing my AGI-adjusted gross income by
$3500.

Yup, fuck me in the goat ass, steal from the bitch:
give to the poor smelling.

I mailed all the weird credit cards to Marty and
Dennis down in Seattle. All the weird checkbooks I
stashed in Randy Kem’s porch enroute to deliver too
much LSD to Walter Banks waiting at the Hailstones.

This is the weird part; all these fictitious events
repeat themselves in dreams, yet feel like real
experiences I can’t get back to.

Understandably, I lost most of my data when I shorted
my ass out repeatedly with a shredded extension cord
by accident in Latvia, but duplication files were
stored in my rather expansive free disk space labeled
Word Werks and Shit.

I better save my last brain cell for my next bong
sesh.

Here’s the shit that weird’s me out. My pops shows me
guns I can’t remember giving him and my pretty wife
wears jewelry I can’t remember buying her. I’m trying
really hard to get better and I’m trying to remember
where these scars on my back and abdomen came from.

She always cries when I get confused and ask her
what’s wrong.

My asshole friends back in the Killing Fields of the
Pacific Northwest seem to all have succumbed to
Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s or both, cuz they look at
me with in wonder, then ask me what happened to me
while I was gone.

Nothing happened, as far as I can tell. When I share
my dreams with them, they all call me Charlie and ask
me if my trouser mouse Algernon beat me through the
maze again. I just tell them there’s someone in my
head, but it’s not me.

Make believe crimes cannot be prosecuted and pure
fiction is undiluted bullshit. I was never there.

Someone tell me to wake up. Dave is trying to call me,
the dogs are barking and I hear bunnik weeping in her
sleep. Besides, the cops are coming and the Willow
house is packed full of stolen shit.

As soon as I awake, I’ll thank her again for marrying
me. Sure can’t remember when though.

kArL.