In a perfect world, you wouldn't be here.

Top of the morning gents,

I've frequently heard the preamble to many stupid arguments, poor justifications and flawed logic, "in a perfect world." Well, I'm sorry to report, despite your policeman's cynicism, we live in a perfect world. We're not stuck in Yemen, Saudi Arabia, nor Venezuela. Additionally, Russia and China aren't on our bucket list of tourist destinations, we're simply stuck in the antithesis of perfection: Alaska. When a Brahman priest reaches Nirvana, a state of enlightenment, he sees and feels the world is perfect, exactly as it is. I can still hear bitching from really old cops and older friends in dispatch and the squad room.

It is a wonderful world. Yes it's a movie title and our world ain't total shit, but yer lives ain't all cupcakes and cocaine neither. Our world is just a place to watch subgroups of first nation subhumans try to out-victim each other and bitch loudest in the Whine-O-Seven. Natives are crying like klivet-bitches that they got the shaft, whereas we hear niggers griping fer free shit and free reparations from the federal government, the state of California and kype my tax refunds. I say fuck 'em all. Recalling my more stupid stunts involving sexual assault, homicide hobbies and play-acting in crime scene masterpiece theater, I may have done exactly that.

Alaska Natives got ANCSA, realization of the Trans-Alaska Pipeline and free IHS health care from President Nixon. Without state or federal assistance and all by themselves, they got crooked drunk walking patterns and children with goofy eyes and no teefs. Niggers got really big stinky whale vaginas, welfare, crack babies, super high rates of maggot infested abortions and thankfully, really short black lives. I have yet to hear Japanese immigrants gripe about a damn thing and they suffered internment camps, which is politically correct terminology for concentration camps, here in America during World War II.

Concentration camps with nicer labels than Buchenwald, Dachau, Auschwitz and Birkenau, but still mass imprisonment suffering high rates of disease and death. Internment camps during WW II did the same for Asians as it did for Jews. Loss of homes and property resulting in both financial and constitutional bankruptcy. For all my shitty Asian humor, the gooks, slopes, dinks and zipper-heads have been cool as shit stand-up motherfuckers. Tough people and survivors. From their tiny ricey mouths we haven't heard a peep and collectively, set a pretty fucking good example of tolerance and forgiveness living amongst us uglier, stinkier and louder hominids.

Every April 20th I remember the Nazi Holocaust. After World War II the Jewish populations of Europe were finally granted a homeland and the British and Americans rounded up and cleared away a whole shit-pot full of religious, fanatical, illiterate sand niggers and presto, we have Israel. Analogous to a really high-dollar Indun Reservation, just sandier and closer to the Mediterranean Sea. The next time we hear stoner kids mention the slogan "420 bro" remind them that they're commemorating Adolf Hitler's birthday, April 20, 1889. This date is revered in prisons, trailer parks and gun shows by Aryan Brothers, Neo Nazis, hillbillies, bikers and bigoted racist survivalists who read and quote the Turner Diaries like it's a fucking bible. Stupid pot smokers might need to sober up and learn history.

Biblical researchers, theological expert consultants and the best religious scholars all agree that Palestine was the birthplace and homeland of the Indestructible Jews. I'm cool with that. To insure permanent residence and security we covertly funneled Israel top-secret nuclear missiles and timely updates on America's most devastating military technology. With the caveat they never admit to shit nor threaten their neighbors. Keep mum. Uncle Sam's got yer back.

If their secret commandos (Mossad) need fake ID's, we let them piggy-back perfect copies of blue passports owned by American citizens to surreptitiously move around the world freely, with antisemitic racists and bigots in their gun sights, and kill shit. Since it's easier to alter an operator's face to an existing passport photo then it is to adjust the original photo to fit the secret agent, we fly our best Hollywood make-up artists to Jerusalem and simply decorate Krav Maga trained Hebrew operatives and spies and American supported death squads until their faces look identical to the unknowing Americans' passport photos.

The State Department has millions of faces to offer the Mossad, letting them choose American photos for Hebrew commandos. Simple, choose American passport photos that most closely resemble their miserable Heeb ugly mugs, print duplicate passports, then fly around the world and kill asshole terrorists, jihad goat fuckers and Nazi War criminals, leaving innocent tourist paper trails pointing to a banker in New York or Steven Spielberg. Sometimes Israel will take out bad guys that America has secretly green-lit fer target and dick smokage. I'll admit, sometimes all that's left is smoked dicks, laying in a heap o' crispy camel jockey remains and in my perfect world, we'd decorate our Christmas trees with these tiny cookoo little smoked dicks smelling of jihad goat pussy.

After reading every book and article on spectacular assassinations, it would be wonderful if the Israeli Mossad were the secret conspirators behind blowing JFK's brains all over Dealy Plaza in Dallas, Texas on November 22, 1963. The CIA could never attempt to pull off such a sweet piece of work on domestic soil, or abroad, they're too incompetent. Of course Lee Oswald is the lone nutter shooter we've tagged and bagged, but the black and white Zapruder Film footage sure as shit illustrates a sweet, high-impact head wound, grape jelly launch and pink mist coming from the opposite direction. Just a thought.

One of our own citizens from Kotzebue tried to board a plane at Alaska Airlines, in disguise. A young man wanted by KPD, AST and the Courts and in effort to thwart the warrants on his ass, he put on an outfit that completely fooled the cab drivers, town folks and airport staff. Robert Fleming undertook a drag queen dress-up, make-up and all, then went to the airport to flee the Kikikpigrunt Spit. He was a beautiful lady.

One of our own coffee and cigarette smoking comrades, following a hunch, hopped in a KPD patrol car and took a stroll through the Alaska Airlines lobby fer a sneak and peak. Nush quickly spotted Mr. Fleming, I mean Mrs. Fleming, with make-up and fine sexy garb, and arrested him on the spot. The arrest made statewide news and when asked how Nush knew he'd found his suspect, he artfully dodged the pitfalls of trick questions from the press. Side-stepping fag-trap homophobic gaff prone inquiries from the radio and newspapers, Nush politely stated that Mr. Fleming was in his highschool class and he'd quickly recognized him.

Here's a nightmare scenario. Imagine if more of our wanted suspects and defendants tried that shit, we'd be screwed. Shave their beards, cut and dye their hair, cake on drag queen make-up, strap on some sexy lingerie and a skirt, then presto, yer Boy George, wheels up and headed to Anchorage, Scott free. Okay, maybe we wouldn't be screwed, we'd be explaining to Judge Erlich that we lost a suspect and can't seem to locate the motherfucker.

If Chip Hailstone, Robert Evak or Chuck Criss did more than suck nads, chew globs and inhale spooge way up their asses, insofar as to don gay apparel like ugly Madonnas, dickless, fruit and fag would effectively throw off the cops, dogs and courts. Shit, that'd leave us looking real stupid, holding our dicks with stacks of un-served arrest warrants. I shudder at the thought. Reading about Robert Fleming's recent death in the NANA memorial page, I wondered what outfit he was buried in. But not cause of death. That would be too gross and I'm not interested.

Speaking of arresting faggot natives. One of my oldest friends and a foster mutts to the Goulsbies told me a tale that's sure to piss ye off. It's an arrest for criminal DUI and attempted homicide. Shane Hildreth was fucked up and racing around Nig-Spit-Ruck, running down pedestrians. One such pedestrian was Gracie Allen walking home from "gone visiting", not knowing needle-dicked bitch-boy, Shane Hildreth had decided to convert 3rd Avenue into his personal raceway and human slalom course. He ran over Gracie Allen and nearly injured her fatally. The police responded to the DUI and speeding sno-go, found the injured native woman laying on the road. The cops then heard Shane Hildreth turn around way down by the airport and head back with the sno-go throttle wide open, aiming for Gracie Allen, laying injured on the street, or the cops.

The copper that kept his wits and a killer right hook, stepped aside as Shane Hildreth raced directly at them, and as he passed by, put his arm out and clothes-lined Shane off the snow machine, breaking his helmet, and bruising his poor little faggot face and pussy neck. The rest of the shock wave that transmitted through his body likely felt like he was raped by a tall Finn, then used as a leather high kick, body blow punching bag. Shane awoke in jail, Gracie awoke in the old MMC emergency room and the sno-go awoke, flipped, broken and trashed in the fenced impound area next to the poop-caked dog kennels, aside the old jail.

Shane was convicted of several felony and misdemeanor crimes and spent his sexual awakening years in Anvil Mountain Correctional Center. Rumor has it that he can rip yer dick off, reset a rack of bowling pins or open a bottle of pop with his anus. Gracie suffered considerable weather related aches and even more arthritis pains. None slowed her down though. The summer after this incident, she was across the sound at Sisaulik, camping and subsisting. Her boyfriend Bobby and the kids took off to hunt while she did whatever native women do at camp. Maybe read the bible and masturbate, but in the middle of her hand washing and deodorizing the beach, she spotted a seal resting on the beach.

With crippled arms she fetched a big log and with crippled legs she hobbled down the beach and smashed the seal's head in. When Bobby (Robert Harris) and the boys returned from hunting, empty-handed, she was cooking and cleaning a fresh-kilt seal. The boys were dumbfounded when she told them "I seen seal on the beach just sleeping, so I kill it." Bobby's only comment was, "Man, yer a better hunter than me." I'm thinking she should take that same log to Shane Hildreth's puny skull and save us all a heap o' grief. I'm further suggesting she do the same to Merci Ann's and Shane's retarded kids. Raise the IQ for an entire race of mud-dwarfs.

If yer stupid enough, you'll watch conventional television or listen to news-talk radio. Don't. You'll barf yer face off hearing shit about drag queen school teachers, gender reassignment, gay rights, AIDS research funding, trans-gender identity, bitchy pussy and sewn-up ass packing. I'm now afraid to drive a Pontiac Trans-Am because it's the new trans-fag-ride coveted by men that shave their poonus and tuck their scrotum outa sight. I'm also sick of hearing how we discriminate against cross-dressers, ass-sucking queers and lesbian dike monsters because we won't rent them our apartments and homes. These sicklets also complain we won't let them groom our children to lick poop dick nor address them with grotesquely non-binary titles such as stitched butt-nibblers, sutured she-males or HIV cluster-fucks. I'm at a loss cuz Adams Apples on scary chicks, hairy asses and poopy butts are my personal wood-kill. Okay, take a quick puke break.

Now here's a disturbing thought: every lesbian, black douche leaking sissy, surgically transformed crotch pocket, gay scum-bag, bisexual babysitter, butcher knife squatter and lawn mower molester has the right to vote. The only factor limiting a citizen in America the right to cast a ballot is if they are a convicted felon. Since this is a microscopic part of the general population, we have to assume that every freak and hairy, dyke and fairy, drag queen and shit-colored jiggaboo is registered automatically to vote when they update their drivers license and even more disturbing, sees themselves as patriots.

Patriots that vote, eat feces, wear darker'n shit skin and really big labia rect-lips in public, breed puny brained ghetto rodents and vote for welfare benefits like food stamps, not candidates. Last time I ate Food Bank Foods, my lips got really big, my skin darkened, trailers appeared bigger and my sister started looking real fine. You coppers isolated here on Alaskan muds should feel like you're Rip Van Winkle waking after decades sleeping off one of your all-time 10 best hangovers like Abraham Lincoln. When he woke from a devastating drunken bender he asked, "I freed the who?"

In the last presidential election we witnessed a coalesced consensus of voters that vastly outnumber white, working, conservative voters. I mean WAY outnumbered. All the minorities combined add up to a larger percentage of the United States population than us old, white, gun-owning, meaner'n shit rednecks. I guess I have to exercise more broad-mindedness, adjust my views and accept a changing political climate. Old white-trash geezers like me have great difficulty witnessing a rapidly changing world and even harder time seeing how this new political landscape is still a perfect world. A perfect world ruled by freely elected slave descendants, reservation Indun mud-skins, mongoloid aborigine voting blocks and sexually awakening weirdos that used to get locked up, shot and buried or banished to reservations or sent to other states like Alaska, forced to accept undesirable deviants, perverts, shit-suckers and infant spoogers. Alaska don't need teachers nor clergy that bad.

I'm a retard and I sure as shit lack enlightenment. I was counseled by a cellmate that the world is perfect exactly as it is. My retort was that we were in jail and I had a dislocated jaw, tender ribs and herniated stomach from heavy-weight punches. He laughed and told me that once we accept that prison can be our sanctuary, our hellish existence here on Earth will change. Or end. I was fixin' to pitch a bitch when he put his hand up to shush me and told me, "Carlos. Shut. Up." "God does not make mistakes."

We could all point out a million fucking examples of shit we dislike. I can't stand anything LGBT Q+ or child molesters nor dog fuckers like the Kivilina Hawley ancestors. Camel and goat fuckers crack me up cuz I once climbed behind a cow and before I started fucking, I politely asked the cow, "Let me know if I hurt you honey." Never in a million years will a tall Finn ever cause a 1000 pound farm animal any vaginal discomfort. See? You're grinning like grandmother fuckers too. Not that every grandmother's got a cow's vagina nor asks you, "It is in yet?" Just saying.

My pal from jail had been locked up for years longer than I. He was a Jew and could take his sufferings like a champ. He'd weep and wail when he was dragged back to our cell, but he'd find his center, meditate on his creator's plans for him, then focus on getting back up on his bleeding broken feet. It's real fucking hard to whine like an amateur wanna-be American agent, rightly arrested and badly mistreated when some of these foreign intelligence operatives sleeping next to and listening to my tales, received far worse treatment than my sorry butt.

To make sense of our miserable fucking existence, my pals would share jokes with me that impart a tremendous pile of wisdom. My stoic Jewish cellmate advised me a method of putting things into perspective with Biblical humor. He paused, thought for a minute, then re-phrased an Old Testament joke that applies to you graying gunslingers and our homes anchored to soggy thawing perma-shit. My Hebrew cellmate started with his usual preamble, "Carlos, let me tell you something."

"God was bored so He created the universe. But that was boring too. So God created Adam and Eve. But God was still super bored. So God created the rest of the human race. And even then He was really fucking bored. So God created Alaska. He hasn't stopped laughing since."

I needed to share that with you old killers. On planet Earth there are men in agony far beyond our plight and recalling a prisoner that told me a damn good Alaskan joke tearfully cheers me up. And haunts me too. I'm struck by a Hebrew sentiment that either everybody counts, or nobody counts. We've seen a world where lines have been drawn in effort to discern those that have value, contrasted with those that don't.

You coppers are well aware of the outcome. Eventually our hominid propensity to commit murder blurs these lines resulting in the devaluation of all human beings. Meaning, our own children stand naked, raped and freezing, crying in terror, silhouetted in another soldier's gun sights. I'm far beyond witnessing anymore children and mothers, bleeding nude and bullet ridden, falling onto God's Green Earth, nullified from mirroring our better angels. Unintended outcomes arise from human efforts of separatist discrimination, ethnic cleansing and genocide, we quite possibly see the wrong end of a machine gun or momentarily witness the searing heat, hair loss and skin disintegration of children from high explosives.

We all think we got something to hang our hat on and whine about, like Gumby's gay porn magazines someone left in the squad room. That's because we have too little to keep us busy. We also have too few sufferings. Complaining to anybody indicates a bored audience is listening to us. Stop it. We got it pretty fucking good. We only need to contemplate our blessings and put a cork in our bitch-hole. When we have something to gripe about and there's a sucker listening, we've found that suck-ass existential place I call "mental unemployment."

Wake up fucks. For over 20 years I've used you coppers as my foil and audience. You see, despite violent tendencies, clever banter and dangerously intelligent detective skills, I get to harness your heartbreaks you've collected and stacked during your lives providing safety to the public. With these minimalist sketches on white paper, you boys fill in the color, textures and odors bringing to life these horrid paintings. Look back at us old men drinking coffee and smoking big cigars, imported cigarettes, talking about old cases inside the squad room or dispatch, -30 below outside and we were warm, dry, well armed and well fed. Yet we're making vocalizations in a falsetto chorus of "boo-hoo."

I miss our graveyard shifts with time to chat about everything on God's green Earth, but when I feel smarter'n everybody, idealism flourishes. Idealism is a whole world away from realism. You fuckers should've slapped me across the gob and told me that my brutal comeuppance is only a blink of an eye away, a blip on the radar near the end of one of my upcoming narc jobs and mere years in the future. I went from working in a fucking jail to illegally enticing and inducing defendants to voluntarily sell me tons of drugs. They all went to jail, but shortly thereafter, I nearly died in one. I'm such a retard.

I should think again about Wally Hickel's concerns of the "Balkanization of Alaska." At times when I was laughing and living with my mentally challenged dwarf-porn midget neighbors statewide, I was unconsciously drawing lines in the sand and clearing my Private Idaho. Meaning I was establishing my very own country. Don't let me pull bullshit like that cuz it makes me no better than faggots demanding respect, niggers demanding reparations and natives demanding their teefs back. Asians are tougher than homos, coons, kikes and ice niggers and they ain't asking fer shit. With the United States chopped up into separatist segregationist sections and locking every fruit, nut, flake in one bowl of cereal, we'd lose our melting pot of layered shit and blended mucous milkshake.

I'm working towards a thought the Sergeant suggested and I was too thick to comprehend. When every human pussy, twerp and punk with their own shitty language, dialect, slang, haircut, hair color, skin hue, sexual hobbies and personal pet name for God believes they should have their very own country, we're fucked. Look at America today. These notions evoke bad ideas of what the government for this new country ought to look like. We'll inevitably kill everybody else with different lisps, hair color, BO, rectum flavor preferences and moron church.

We don't live in a "divided country," we live in a selfish, bratty country filled with whining fucking cunts. If we can't laugh at our neighbors and still be civil, we deserve to be living on a reservation or put back in prison. You can have my cot that's probably filled with another bleeding fucking idiot. Just like me. To pass the time between your brutal interrogations, he'll share tales of wives, women and young girls he sucked and fucked, resulting in bad job reviews, wonderful vertical smiles and many happy vaginas.

Of course, we've battled the issue of chopping up Alaska into stupid little fiefdoms. Wally Hickel fought against the Alaska Native Claims Settlement Act with a logical claim that we shouldn't let our state become sliced and diced. Again, he worried we'd "suffer the Balkanization of Alaska." Meaning dividing Alaska into numerous distinct sovereign nations like Croatia, Serbia, Czech Republic, Slovakia: all regions formerly united as Czechoslovakia.

Look at our map and you'll see we have National Parks, National Wildlife Reserves and Refuges, Regional Native Allotments, Village Native Properties and Indian Tribal Lands. The actual State of Alaska is only one-third of the state with all the native, Indian and Federal Lands comprising the other two-thirds. Our disputes over fishing, hunting, resource development, native sovereignty, tribal land use and tribal court sentencing guidelines for native wife beaters, native child rapist gomers and native homicides has plagued us since.

Lining out territories according to skin color, eye color, hair color and breed of dog a person sucks and fucks is ludicrous. Senator Ted Stevens lectured at UAF and declared a state cannot repair racism and discrimination with more racism and discrimination. Putting ice midgets, reservation butt fuckers, hillbillies, faggots and niggers in their own sector or region defeats the purpose of a United States. I'm not saying we gotta choke each other's chickens with a reach-around fist-fuck wristwatch, but it ain't no skin offa yer ass to tip yer hat, give 'em the white man nod, offer a "how-do" or "afternoon gentlemen" even an "afternoon sir."

I do it all the time to reflect my elevated status and higher station here on God's frozen Earth and diffuse any anger whenever I'm entering a bar, liquor store or pot shop with a native woman on my arm. Of course it'd be entertaining to see someone raise issue with my hybrid (interracial) marriage to a darky bitch from way up North, but nobody's got the spunk to monkey up, voice their concerns, raise their dukes only to get shot down and killed like a fucking dog. Yup, I follow my supervisor's instructions from a hunnert police departments to always carry a couple guns. "Don't leave home without it."

Back to your own retarded neighborhood. You may remember the drawn out battles over opening the Red Dog Lead and Zinc Mine. Now witness the hair-pulling, fretting and menstrual whining involved with NANA's efforts to build the Ambler Access Road from Manley to the Kobuk Valley and the drawn out legal scrimmages before any actual spade work, dirt moving and ore extraction as the Ambler Gold Mine commences. Yer seeds will be dried up and yer dicks will fall into yer socks, shrunken and atrophied by the time we see any replacement monies in your NANA Regional Corporation dividend checks. Red Dog will be non-productive, non-profitable and non-paying in a few short years with land grooming and landscaping completed in less then a blink of yer anus. Oh, a blink of an anus is roughly half a decade, or double that in the KPD jail when Lorin Downing's on duty, gittin' some and makin' bacon.

My suggestion is to build super pimp hotels, marinas and ocean side resorts at the old Red Dog Port Site for mooring high-dollar sailboats, yachts and lease sail boards and jet-skis. Instead of whale watching, we could launch some of them shit-ass tiny little fuckers outa Kivilina with one of my funnel-aters like shooting skeet and let billionaire guests blast 'em outa the sky with $100,000 prize nigger-shooting competitions, firing cool-ass rare vintage shotguns. Pull! The mine site might be used as a Eco-tourism destination for hiking, kayaking and canoe leasing or snow machine escapes. I'm not sure you'd get legal license to let your guests poach caribou or muskox.

Of course if you have billionaire Russian Oligarchy guests offering a million a week to stay and shoot nasty tasting tundra animals, well hell, we're all whores fer bucks. Let 'er rip. Keep the local residents hired as authentic stage props, indigenous decorations and tour guides. If any of your billionaire guests "accidentally" shoots a native employee fer fun, keep their deposit or charge his Platinum Visa extra for property damages. Keep the bars exclusively for guests only, the hired staff can drink Lysol, eat leftover sushi, caviar and goose liver pate next to the dumpsters out back like Indian Gaming Casinos. Don't ever attribute a soul to piles of US dollars. NANA has vast experience in hotels and bars. NANA used to have 2 hotels in Krotchebue. One down by the Kotzebue Airport and the Nulugvik on Front Street, BOTH offering full service bars and free complimentary drunken brown prostitutes. Speaking of NANA bar deals, I may have brokered the sale of one such highly profitable venture at the Fairbanks Airport. Did I do that?

Chatting with you coppers during graveyard shifts was a learning experience. I remember the Sarge lecturing about criminal cases that upset him. One such case involved in a suicide/homicide uptown near the Rec. Center. Erlich and Ham-ham (Abraham Snyder) were dispatched to a domestic violence report, drove to the Ivanoff residence and knocked on the door. They heard screaming inside the residence and with legal reasoning deduced a person was in imminent risk of injury and opened the front door to gain entry. As they opened the door shots rang out and Erlich caught a piece of fire in his hand and Ham-ham caught a stinging blow to his left shoulder.

Back-up officers responded forthwith and made armed entry into the residence to find a non-responding native girl and an injured native man. The injured man still had a pistol in his hand, so he was cuffed and tossed outside the residence like a sack of potatoes. The non-responding woman was attended to and it was determined that she was deceased. Head shot. The suspect that was cuffed and removed from the residence was also determined to be no longer living. Same fatal head injury, self-inflicted. Alvin and Agnes Ivanoff never got over their daughter's murder.

Erlich and Ham-ham were transported to the old MMC and treated for their injuries and the Troopers and KPD investigated the complex domestic assault that resulted in the deaths of two citizens. Deaths by homicide and suicide. Erlich was treated for a doozy of a bullet wound to his gun-hand and Ham-ham was determined to have received a bullet that had impacted his police radio hand-set microphone clipped to his left shoulder. The bullet didn't penetrate the radio mic but the impact likely stung like a motherfucker and felt like a karate kick to the upper breast.

The parties were Sylvia Ivanoff's sister and her boyfriend, get this, a Reed clan member from Kiana. Ever since this common, frequent and tragically typical Alaskan crime, I walked past the Ivanoff house with great trepidation. Ya see, the house was on my early morning route to the Rec. Center to life weights with my grandma bunnik who religiously pointed out that Ivanoff's was a location of a "Kotzebue Divorce." She frequently retells me tales about her first two husbands that treated her like a human punching bag and much later in life was seriously attached to a dumb Finn whose only crime was failing to appreciate how good it was to work, whine and laugh all over the Northern third of Alaska.

I should've been more optimistic and happy to find lots of hard, shitty work in Kotzebue and Barrow. I was born for it. I simply had great difficulty in seeing wonderful prospects in a region of such great suffering. We've all lugged comatose and postmortem bodies to the appropriate facilities for treatment, or cold storage. We've all cut down hangers, fetched blue soggy swimmers no longer breathing and scraped up misery off the ice that once were copper colored human beings riding a wheeler or sno-go. Yet even with comic chuckle-head comrades like you coppers or Mashburn, Moto and Ramoth, I couldn't see the wonderful prospects these nearly extinct arctic communities offered me.

Like you rusty killers and graying gunslingers I was put in Alaska to serve my penance and get a foot-hold in numerous shitty public safety careers and see the world through new eyes and big heart with unfathomable depth and compassion. Looking back at our really grim shitty humor, we actually gave a shit and truly cared about our patrol sector's inhabitants. In the last 70 years we've witnessed a native population explosion. Alaska's 1950 census originally had natives consisting of 4% of our state population, now it's 18%. Like I told you coppers before, you've personally witnessed a brown baby boom. Thank God fer a million fucking village clinics, super foods (meats, dairy, enriched flours), flush toilets, running hot and cold water, garbage service and electricity. Nobody understands me, meaning my words fall on deaf ears leaving me dubious about the educations Alaskans have received. Am I making any sense?

Without massive state and federal public expenditures, we'd still have puny numbers of puny brown people. Without such huge investments in rural Alaska, us FInns, Swedes and Norwegians would be the majority. The older I get, the more retarded we were. The NW Arctic and NS Boroughs are getting slowly better and we did more than just a small part in facilitating these violent communities' transitions towards civility, fair play and rule of law.

We spoke the Queen's English and educated more than a million children with our kind words, actions and intents. On your next visit to AFN (Alaska Federation of Natives) you'll be pleasantly surprised how many kids remember you and the jobs you did. Kids that are now grown adults with children of their own. And they speak clearly, think intelligently and are quite aware of the changes they're going through.

Every one of God's children remember moments when we had the right to pound an asshole to bits and pitch dirt on their faces-but we refrained and didn't. We simply did our jobs with more respect than a drunken bag of garbage deserved, wiped spit off our faces, ignored lousy insults and threats, nursed bruises and cuts, and just performed our duties. Again, we represented the future prospects of civility and the rule of law, civil rights and fair play. And a million grown native kids will tearfully remind you of this as they approach you at AFN or ANMC to express their thanks. They are painfully aware their parents were drunk assholes and we could've fucked their shit up, crippled them or killed them. But we didn't. That means something to today's grown children. Means a lot.

Despite a thousand useless aboriginal languages we hear over CB radios in rural Alaska and the Denaina Convention Center, the overwhelming lingua-franca is English. English represents a cohesive overlapping fabric that actually unites all of Alaska's tribes and regions. English is Alaska's Chinook Jargon and is the common language natives used for trade, marriage, hunting boundaries and if all else fails, English is used to declare war on neighboring Aleuts, Half-a-Gas Cans, and Chimp-shians.

Nobody understands silly gibberish and slang but when we dress up and behave in our very best manners, we formally address each other in clear English and shake hands or hug each other in the same royal and dignified manner all Alaskan humans are befit. I repeat, us Alaskan humans use the language of nations with prospects. Meaning English. We also use the language of nations with freedoms and inherent rights that were unknown heretofore. Despite my immature silly Scandinavian humor, Alaska has come a long way and I give you soldiers a lot of the credit. I had a chance to watch you coppers work and maybe, I learned a little bit too. My stubbornness and learning difficulties are parallel to my lousy patience, violent outbursts and agonizing mood swings during my stints in public safety and now, at my old age, my eternal shame.

I learned that Alaska has more artists, writers and teachers than any similarly populated state in America. What I secretly push and pray for is the development of more art on shelves or hanging on walls, literary output in the form of paperbacks or hardcover books beyond my witty racist blogs and vocational, academic and graduate schools to continue this Herculean effort bringing an ancient section of North America up to speed and hopefully resemble Scandinavia. Finland was a backwards ancient Arctic country but since the digital and tech explosion, left the rest of the world behind in the dust, smelling stone age and looking retarded. Okay, that might be a little overzealous, but a lad's gotta try. We can't all be Norse heroes like Olaf, blonder than you and braver than I, but I tried to breed our community taller and smarter.

I'd even accept an Alaska with only a modicum of success. It's far larger than Japan, yet Japan is a powerful country without any fucking resources. Singapore is an extremely important nation yet has zero physical territory. And Luxembourg wields enormous worldwide influence but has almost zero people. Modern nations like Alaska won't triumph by conquering new territories nor brutally dominating other ugly, strange human beings. Ya see, war doesn't work anymore. Rape and slaughter between tribal and regional factions may get frequent postings on the Alaska State Trooper Public Information Office's web postings, but Alaska will only become a major player on the world stage with better training, better nutrition, better law enforcement, civil protections and fair play for the very children that will approach us at AFN and the native hospital in Anchorage apologizing for their ignorant parents. Then hug you.

I believe Alaska can overcome it's paternal dependence on lousy elected officials. We have to. For our history since 1959 we've not gotten the representatives, senators and governors we could afford. We got these fuckheads because we deserved them. At least I deserve better. I'm thinking you fuckers do too. One notion I've considered was to lock out new arrivals that have zero education, skills, nor visible means of support. Our welfare system is maxed out.

The power of a tyrannical government is in inverse proportion to the intelligence of it's citizens. Alaska suffers embarrassing levels of illiteracy and better government comes with an enlightened populace, tolerance and equal rights under the law. Our generation lacks the depth of understanding, empathy and emotional resilience to tolerate, accept and live next door to bizarre, disturbing genders, ethnicity and differing languages. God loves all of us, I'm fucking trying.

We could educate Alaskans better, feed them better, arm them better, shake hands and laugh with our bizarre village neighbors, or we could follow our ancestors' and parents' shameful ignorance.

In the next century, we'll likely all be found naked, holding our grandchildren in a mass grave.

God won't laugh at us anymore. He'd be heartbroken.

Carlos.