Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Native Alaskan Biscuit is a Natural Resource we should try to save.

Top of the morning gents,

Sad day for our prettiest asset: Alaska Native Women.

I ain't shitting, I may rail away at issues
inflammatory such as rural Alaskan health care, safe
child rearing in light of horrific rural domestic
violence, assaults and murder.

Issues that have no upside for any political party
hence the syndromatic ignoring, buck passing and
basically looking the other way. Besides, they're just
a bunch of fucking natives, who gives a shit?

Seems I do.

That's our lot in life: Quixotic uphill battles
against overwhelming tides of contrary yet poorly
thought out native opinions crushing this crowd of
iconoclastic rural Alaskan gunslingers. What's good
for the goose is good for the gander, remote Alaska is
better off selling lower proof beers, ales and wines
leaving nitro methane Bacardi drag race fuels with our
beloved urban municipal tribesmen malingering in Los
Anchorage, Shitbanks and JewNo.

Hard liquor may not be a suitable beverage for arctic
dwellers like me that chug and gulp down refreshments
at the same pace regardless of alcoholic strength.
Fuck, since moving from Helsinki to Barrow, I now down
whole glasses of bourbon at the same pace I chug cold
beer and decanted wines. Houston, we have a problem.

The Mat-Su Borough and the City of Anchorage both
jacked cigarette taxes unfairly high while fearing to
raise liquor taxes to pay for our typically alcohol
related violence and incarceration. Violence I see all
around me: violence I contribute to without shame.

I'll never vote for damp or dry communities because
the opposite consequences seem to result from our
genuine efforts to rid native communities of Eskimo
Heroin: booze. Put this way, I have to move from
Barrow to Anchorage just to sober up.

I drink vastly more frequently and more heavily
whenever I live in damp or dry villages in Alaska,
Russia AND Finland too. Go figure.

Besides, I shoulder great shame every time I recall my
blessed Siberian wife's scolding, "You don't gotta
drink Native."

My name is Imiktuq, "but I have a good time. Life's
been good to me so far." (J. Walsh) Ya like my
bastardized Inupiaq?

Chatting with Lt. Columbo, David Craig and Agent
Octuck last week took me aback and reminded me that
those gentlemen are nothing like me. They are kind and
considerate, not violent, racist combat dicks like yer
punch happy author on drugs. I gotta learn to keep my
fucking crippled hands to myself and stop striking or
shooting everything that pisses me off. Killing
everything that moves or makes an annoying sound may
not be qualities a Viking grandparent should possess
if he yearns to be loved and trusted by Eskimo
grandchildren I've yet to beat.

Like all native women that drink alcoholic beverages,
I tend to binge drink more heavily between periods of
disorienting sobriety whilst performing stressful
subsistence, thus earning and deserving my next power
drinking sesh. I'm much like the rest of my Finnish
lineage, we do fairly well if we drink in moderation,
yet frequently, only suffering severe hangovers when I
tie one on and over serve my own ass along with my
blessed Eskimo brethren.

Am I the only pussy blonde wigger that gets hangovers?
Fuck, nobody I know here on Eskimo Territory keeps a
stash of Alka (holic) Seltzer on hand for old Inupiaq
lady arthritis and old Suomen geezer headaches and

Before a culture can safely absorb customary and
celebratory imbibement, ya gotta create a shit load
more holidays where a lad gets more opportunities to
over-indulge in both really good cultural foods and
delicious yet culturally diverse and potent nogs,
champs and vinos. Holidays that cheer us up, not lend
to arctic suicide, beatings and freezings.

Food and Bar Tabs should compliment each other.
Aperitifs and Digestives like Jaggermeister with
appetizers, red wines with red meats, white wines with
fish, poultry and swine, coffee and brandy with
deserts, cognacs and cigars with the tall Finn on the
porch or in my research laboratory north of 70 lat.

Gentlemen never discuss religion nor politics in the
presence of company (women) and are real particular
with whom they drink with. Politeness will preclude
displaying and brandishing firearms, and good manners
may just save yer fucking life if you're drinking in
my castle.

I ain't fucking native, so I don't have to put up with
belligerence at my dining table, bar and library. My
smoking jacket conceals a customized soft cloth
holster, behave or suck air through a new bubbling
blow hole in yer numb skull.

I like to sit with smarter humans for chats. I also
like to eat and drink with smarter folks and nibble on
sweet biscuits, sip European coffees and if I'm lucky
and nobody's watching I enjoy a few puffs on a Danish
cigarette if I got a pack of fags in me pocket.

My other brother Tim flew with Korean and Japanese
culinary conglomerate delegates to Anchorage for
meetings and drinkings. He also invited me and my
Siberian Mrs. for dinner and drinks at a downtown
Anchorage Asian eatery and watering hole.

We're talking 6 hours of tasty snacks constituting
half a day of continually renewed courses of foods and
beverages. One of the older and wealthier guests
ordered whole bottles of smoky spirits authentically
distilled by Highland Scotsmen: on top of the
complimentary amber beers and gourmet table wines.

If I had any misgivings how my Eskimo brethren
inherited such a massive thirst for liquors, they
vanished when observing your Asian forefathers washing
down sushi platters and steak trays with unimaginable
volumes of alcoholic beverages from every country and
culture on the planet.

Them fucking Asians have fiberglass livers far
superior to my obsolete Viking fuel filter. Like
Russian festivities and Asian continental fermentation
orgies, I can't hang, us Finns pussy out early.

Besides, I hate hangovers almost as much as I hate
heaving, wretching, choking and puking on stomach
contents I paid half a grand for.

What's up with that?

Enough preamble. ALS-Alaska Legal Services stopped
short of complete elimination of free lawyer services
for the indigenously indigent. Our bootlegger and
village meth wholesaler buddies no longer receive free
advocacy, but ALS will continue to represent domestic
violence victims for at least one more year.

The rapidly evolving cultures throughout the
circumpolar regions are shying away from making tough
policy decisions in regards to the sale or prohibition
of alcoholic beverages. Policies that still fail to
diplomatically handle the plague of illegal drugs,
huffing and the consumption of industrial alcohols
found in Lysol, hair sprays and colognes, cleaners and

If you think I'll wrap up this lecture with a simple
solution: yer fucked cuz I ain't got one.

Allowing the sale of strictly beers and wines will
satisfy Native villager thirst sufficiently to almost
eliminate bootlegger hard liquor and native children
squishing my goddamned pit stick through cheesecloth
just to sip the scented fluids.

Pot heads will always prefer weed over harder drugs
and booze, meth heads can simply fuck off and die in a
dumpster holding hands and dicks with their crack
whore sisters and mothers.

Show 'em my motto. "Green beer and green toke."

Cuz "I get stoned in the morning, I get drunk in the
afternoon." (Charlie Daniels)

Developing policy around human nature may be
difficult, but not impossible like ideologically
driven public policy.

Go figure, we may never find a solution that curbs the
epidemic FAS and violence against women and children.
So it seems we'll all just muck about and fiddle, fart
and fuck around with full jails, emergency rooms and
courtroom benches.

The world is perfect as we find it. I can't deduce how
my tenderizing and seasoning will make one wit of

Are native women and children forever cursed to create
more broken women and children?

Proof of the pudding is in the tasting.

10,000 year old pudding that is.



Police release name of woman found dead near City Hall
Monday, October 3, 2005 - by Maria Downey

Anchorage, Alaska - The Anchorage Police Department
has released the name of the woman found dead Sept. 23
near of City Hall.

Police have identified the woman as 49-year-old Della
Katchatag of Anchorage. The Native woman’s body was
discovered by a City Hall security officer around 7:30
a.m. that day.

APD Lt. Paul Honeman said that, according to the
coroner, no foul play was involved. It appears the
woman died of natural causes associated with alcohol


Domestic violence statistics high for Alaska
Monday, October 03, 2005 - by Rebecca Palsha

Anchorage, Alaska - It's a frightening statistic:
Alaska ranks No. 1 in the country for women killed by
men. Today was the kickoff for Domestic Violence
Awareness Month.

Public health officials came together to discuss the
problem. According to the Anchorage Department of
Health and Human Services, Alaska Native and African
American women are most often the victims of abuse.

“In general, violence against women is a huge problem
everywhere. So, I don’t know if the numbers are
different here because of geographic isolation. Maybe
because we have such a melting pot of cultures and so
that can play into it,” said Melissa Emmal, AWAIC

According to a recent study, guns are used most often
to kill a female partner.


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home