Friday, September 02, 2005

Alaskan Gambling = Risk taking and more sex in yer violence.

Top of the morning gents,


Thorny fucking issue if you ask me. And you did.

If I want YOUR opinion, I'll beat it outa ye.

Despite smelling gamy, I was never much of a gamer. I don't buy rippies or pull tabs, and I play bingo like old Alaskans fuck: badly.

Besides, if I want to get diaper rash cranking a rod for days at a time awaiting payout like a sex offender on a playground, I'd have the physique of a Gumby.

Fuck that shit. If I'm gonna gamble on anything truly exciting, it'd have to be with my life. I'd rather drive up and down the Parks Highway 7 days a week at speeds prohibited and enforced by you killers in uniform.

Additional to long haul driver backache and sore ass, I could also pepper my sinuses, soil my lungs and perforate my liver. Ya see, my road race and rally missions include pit stops at my buddy Wertman's in Big Lake for cold brews, chronic pine plumes, and cat piss diesel 100 octane low lead nitro 'caine. Ya can't do any of these Alaskan past times in a fucking casino nor a reservation retard Lyon's Club.

Driving the Parks Highway through the Mat-Su Valley Boonies, Denali BumFuck Borough, and visiting the many grow ops, speak easies, watering holes and trapping/hunting card rooms is both an art and science.

It takes an artist to navigate a new Lincoln or Chrysler at pert near a hunnert: roaring half-way across Alaska at night in the middle of winter.

The scientific aspect is the prevention of too much blood in my alcohol system. I'm kidding, no Intoximeter 3000 will register the fuel additives, conditioners and octane boosters the driver is burning, aside from truly awful coffee breath.

A lad can unleash tremendous potential outa his motorcar when the petrol tank is topped off with Super Unleaded, a pint of Heet, and a pint of STP.

Ya also might want to check yer tire pressures all the way around as a preflight inspection. Double check your oil and tranny fluid levels too cuz when I push a car up to cruising speed and altitude I don't want to feel a red hot connecting rod searing blood smoke up my ass. When a V-8 motor shoots your bonnet a mile in the air and gives you a blow job, you might be pulling the sheets outa yer ass, but the high speed nocturnal discharge will likely be from fatal internal injuries. Sheet metal barriers between powerplant and operator are called firewalls for a fucking good reason; they stop fire and heat injuries. NOTHING stops a thrown rod, not even yer gonadular structures.

Risky behaviors mates. Alaskan pastimes and funner'n shit too. But it ain't the same as gambling.

My games of chance involves the risk of separating my soul from my body if I perchance disintegrate a moose at over a hunnert, or invert the motor along with everything bolted to it.

You'll find all of my dineros and doobage in me pocket: the ID will appear legit, at least sufficient for Tyler, Bleicher or Bowman to pronounce the deaths of one tall Finn and one very pretty Siberian gal likely wrapped up tight in a frozen and crushed luxury car painted with moose knuckles and nuts, turds and hair in our teeth.

But, no one arm bandit diaper rash nor hemorrhoids. Is that kewl or twat?

The word 'gambling' has manifold ramifications, but doesn't encompass indulgent high risk Alaskan behavior pushing the limits of a Town Car. Especially in nighttime winter driving conditions with frequent breaks to visit me drug buddies down unplowed subdivision roads anywhere along the 357 miles between Anchoragua and Shitbanks.

If you ever need any reminding how fucking quick humans can deteriorate, sit in on a bingo night downstairs in the Eskimo Building or the Lyon's Club. Better yet, sit in on a Selawik evening game of cards. Ante up with 2 bottles of pink cap 51, Jack or Beam and ya got half a grand worth of skin in the game.

Yer sinuses will drip brown syrup. Brown syrup sweet with nicotine, awful abby odor, and ice nigger dander. Hack a loocher dudes, then swallow it. Now that's a tasty and nutritious loogie.

Don't believe me? Just ask the Sgt. He’s had to kidnap kinfolk from Kotzebue’s dingy dark bins of gaming sin.

I made him chortle on his coffee with this same description hurling witty shitty humor we all miss and love whilst working in Central Dispatch or playing cat and mouse (chasing Nasruk) in the Police cars.

I'll give Nasruk that much: the lad can sure pitch a car like a Frisbee and scribble a beaut of a signature with smoke and rubber on dry pavement. That crazy fucking Inuit assassin has no fear of velocity: backwards or forwards, crossed up and sideways, whatever.

Y'all remember those long dark winter shifts that drove us mad with boredom? I used to pray for a porked baby, battered bitch or bullet-ridden wife to phone KPD, just so I could get hard nipples and a drippy dick with excitement. Graveyard shift mates.

Funny, I miss booking in Drunk Fu fighters like Vern and Bobby Richards, Jim Ginley and White Mike Baker, Danny and David Burnor.

Now that's roster of human punching bags that cause me nads to stir. All I need now to complete the roster is to see Eli Williams or any of his brothers taking a swing at Joe, Pat or Jeff. Pounding the shit outa those brown bags of wasted anal and scrotum skin is better than sport fucking runway models at a Nokia sponsored fashion show in downtown Helsinki.

I'm lying. Nothing is funner'n than sport raping 34 drunken blond girls taller'n you Eskimo runts with legs up to here, curtains matching the carpets, drapes matching the rugs. Harvesting souls and organs is a secret hobby only the most vile of Alaskans partake. Fuck ye.

The Sgt's, Octuck's, Squish and Joe's Spetznats speed punching workouts on violent, loud, and truly stinky scralings balances out the universe yielding payout to the recipients a karmic refund check to your filthy arrestees for all the boys they porked, girls they beat, and wives they treated worse than a fucking dog.

See how the universe if perfect and beautiful exactly as we found it? Or at least after ye pounded and seasoned it?

Fucking A. You violent boys are the balancing forces that return every act of masculine violence and domestic abuse to the offender: with interest.

So be a dick, as in keep swinging. But never wrap yer busted fingers around a one armed bandit, you might wake up in a puddle underneath Gumby's computer.

I think I'm gonna puke. Fuck I write nasty shit.

7 days a fucking week mates.


PS. Columbo's idea works great. Super glue will patch up yer busted knuckles and bleeding hands, at least until Werneke opens his obnoxious mouth and starts breathing God's air again.

Swing away Chief. Me and Black Bird will fetch the mops and clean up after yer done, patch yer hands too. Hooah!


Advocate wants Alaska to legalize card rooms
Anchorage Daily News

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - The man dubbed "Alaska's Poker Guru" pitched the Anchorage business community Monday on his efforts to legalize card rooms in the state.

Semiretired furrier Perry Green told an Anchorage Chamber of Commerce lunch audience that poker is a booming industry that Alaska should tap to diversify its oil-dependent economy.

"It's not shady," Green said. "It's a mainstream activity."

Green is a well-known gambler who has competed in such major tournaments as the World Series of Poker. In the past year, he has spent tens of thousands of dollars on lobbyists to try to persuade the Alaska Legislature to sanction legalized gambling, according to state financial disclosures. The efforts have failed so far, but Green said Monday that he's closer than ever to having enough support to get a bill passed.

"This Legislature has matured enough to see poker as a viable business," Green said.

Last year, he pushed for legislation to establish a state gaming commission that would have had the authority to license an international casino at a failed fish plant in South Anchorage. The casino bill narrowly passed the House but died in the Senate.

Green retooled his strategy this year. He got Rep. Pete Kott, R-Eagle River, and Sen. John Cowdery, R-Anchorage, to sponsor bills that would legalize card rooms in Alaska where people could play poker, cribbage and other games for money. The bill passed the House but bogged down in the Senate Judiciary Committee.

Meanwhile, sponsors of legalized video poker are collecting signatures to get an initiative on the 2006 fall ballot that would create a gaming commission. The panel would be able to authorize video poker, slot machines and other games without legislative approval.

On Monday, Green promoted what he considers the virtues of gambling, describing it as a billion-dollar industry that would bring the state millions in tax revenue and provide employment.

"This industry provides decent jobs," he said.

Not-for-profit card games and tournaments are a growing form of entertainment in bars, Green said.

"People are demanding it."

People play cards in their homes, and scores of illegal, underground games are held routinely, Green noted. All the legislation would do is bring into the open what's already happening and make it legal, in his view.

Cowdery, who attended the luncheon, agreed. Illicit activity often accompanies the illegal games, he said. The bill to legalize card games and impose restrictions on them would be good for the state, the senator said.

"It will take it out of the underground. This will clean up the whole thing," Cowdery said.

Sen. Hollis French, D-Anchorage, also attended Green's talk. A member of the Senate Judiciary Committee, French said he has reservations about legalized gambling and voted against the casino bill. The casino would have been in his district, and he opposed giving an exclusive gambling license to a single operator.

French said he opposes electronic gaming because the machines are addictive and mind-numbing, among other drawbacks. While he's open to the idea of card rooms, he said, he hasn't made up his mind whether he'll support Cowdery's bill.

A staunch opponent of legal, for-profit gambling is Rep. Harry Crawford, a Democrat who represents part of East Anchorage. Crawford said he watched his hometown of Shreveport, La., suffer after riverboat gambling was legalized. He doesn't want it to happen in Alaska.

"Studies show that for every dollar that we take in from gambling, we have to pay out three dollars in (social) services," Crawford said. The people hurt the most by gambling are those who can least afford it, he said, adding, "It doesn't add much to the state economy, and it takes so much with it."

Crawford said he can't imagine the Senate Judiciary Committee voting to legalize card rooms, which he described as a thinly disguised attempt to usher in casinos, electronic gaming and other forms of gambling.

While he's focused now on card rooms, Green hasn't given up on the idea of casinos in Alaska. He's also in favor of Internet gaming. Green mentioned in his talk that he recently won $18,000 playing online poker.



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