Saturday, August 20, 2005

New from Ronco. Alaskan Barbie Dolls for every shitty part of Anchoragua.

Top of the morning gents,

Ever try to distinguish one dull Alaskan bimbo from
another? Tough huh?

Stand 'em on their head and they're all sisters.

This is too funny. Only a real Alaskan could have
composed this. My hat is off to the anonymous author.

Alaskan women are such cunts, despite being so easy.

Read some of the 'accessories' available, these dolls
possess unique attributes similar to the bimbos living
there.

Coming soon: An AFN doll complete with shitty drawers,
retractable teeth and rife with infection.

Available pre-frozen, drunk, and pregnant with a
similarly colored retard that you can squeeze outa her
if you poor enough booze in her plastic broken mouth.

Fuck I'm funny.

Enjoy.

Karl.

---

Alaskan Barbies

*Hillside Barbie

This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom.
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags,
your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a
longhaired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a
cookie-cutter dream house with a to-die-for view of
the inlet.

Also included are a Starbucks mug, credit card set,
and Alaska Airlines Gold MPV membership.

Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and
boob-job. Workaholic, shallow, cheating husband Ken
comes with a Porsche.

*Southside Barbie

This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a
Ford Explorer and matching Alaska Club workout
ensemble. She gets lost easily and has no full time
occupation. Comes with Percocet prescription and
Botox.

Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Husband
Ken is into fishing, hunting, golfing, eating, and
lusting for other women.

Available at Costco.

*Spenard Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun,
switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows,
and a meth lab kit.

This model is available only after dark and can only
be purchased with cash - preferably small bills,
unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're
talking about.

Boyfriend Ken is in jail.

Available at many pawnshops.


*Government Hill Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler
jeans 2 sizes too small, a classic Metallica t-shirt
and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder.

She has a six-pack of Budweiser and a Hank Williams,
Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and
kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is
drunk.

Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a
Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Boyfriend Ken is in treatment.

Available at Army Navy Surplus.

*Muldoon Barbie

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with
a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel
from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out
of Government Hill Barbie's apartment. Her ensemble
includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake ingernails,
strawberry lipgloss and a see-through halter top.
Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer.
Available at Wal-Mart.


*Mountain View Barbie

Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a
stroller and bus pass.

Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out
PFD form. Gangsta Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional.
Available at Value Village.

*Girdwood Barbie

This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu.
She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy
armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks.

She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you
purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a
free rainbow flag sticker.

Available at REI.

*Downtown Barbie

This versatile doll can be easily converted from
Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap-on
parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment", but will
never commit.

This model is being phased-out and is only available
from the manufacturer.

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