Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Classify your reality into assets or liabilities.

Top of the morning gents,

Sorry for the delayed literary assault on yer
sensitivities, but I had to chat with my 2 primary
patriarchs: Commander Craig and me pops. All week I've
been chatting with them two old geezers that command
and receive my utmost respect and whose birthdays are
within 2 years of each other. Imagine, this drain
bramaged Finn chatting with killers pert near 40 years
older than any of you graying gunslingers.

Fuck you; I'm blessed with expert consultation from
you bastards on gun specs, fisticuffs, and rural
sabotage. I defer to my council elders on major
financial decisions cuz they both been married for
more than 50 years.

Pray we live that long.

I've bandied this topic of discussion with a couple of
you graying gunslingers (6Killer, Columbo) over the
phone, over drinks and in front of AC sharing my
difficulty in classifying my wife's 168 acre Native
allotment as an asset, or a liability.

This is harder than it looks.

An asset is anything that can be rented or sold,
chopped up and liquidated, but any possession simply
kept for safekeeping poses some risk. Hell, a
warehouse filled with collectible cars is an asset
with high liquidity but a warehouse full of old
computers is liability with zero liquidity. Unless ye
got insurance and a cousin from New Jersey named
Vinnie: who's also a firebug.

Restricted land deeds are easy enough to keep, but who
the fuck accumulates assets just for safe keeping.
Besides I won't see any rents or monthly payments.

Our Barrow duplex is easy to categorize as commercial
real estate, an asset class far different than owning
your own home. Your own home requires all the same
maintenance (unless yer ghetto poor and don't fix
shit) yet brings zero monthly income unless you rent
out rooms vacated by self-actualized offspring hence
homeownership is classified more easily as liability
management and less asset management.

When we lived in Barrow, we lived in one side and
rented out the other. Simple enough, and this paid the
mortgage. Renting out both sides pays roughly twice
the mortgage: gravy gushing into bunnik's pockets
every month.

In short term context (less than one year) the duplex
will do just fine as money printing machinery, but
what the fuck do I do with a huge piece of land with
no buildings?

I refuse to build anything on the piece, vandalism is
epidemic and the thought of me living 'out at camp'
makes me feel so bucket happy I quicker’n shit jump in
the shower in a NY minute.

I'm skittish about leasing this allotment the way KIC
does. They rent smaller plots for longer terms and
don't have the luxury of forecasting and market timing
real property liquidation, like yer author on drugs.
Ya see, KIC don’t sell much of their real estate.

So round and round I went with pops and Mr. Craig. As
stated, an asset is anything that can be rented, sold
with a high degree of liquidity or cut up and melted
into an even more valuable and scarce resource.

One hitch: if I maintain the restrictive status on
this property, can I sell it and avoid any tax
consequences? One of you sharks zap me a quick email
with advice or knuckle sandwich. Hell, steer me to a
buyer or landless native desiring a ANSCA property:
stream, beachfront, up the coast from Nuvruk and
Sisauluk, 168 acres tax exempt restricted native
allotment.

But, this means I can only sell it to another native
whom desires to pay me $1000.00 an acre, or some shit
whatever the Park Service or BIA list as fair market
value in 19 fucking 71. Removing the restricted status
allows me to sell it anybody, but with tax
consequences. Wake up fucks, 100% capital gain in
value (0-$160K) amortized over a 10 or 15-year period
at prime+ interest to cover the risk premium and
inflation. See how that works?

My idea: who gives a fuck. If my buyer is native:
restriction carries. If my buyer is non-Negroid:
restriction is a goner. I'll put pencil to paper to
calculate built-in upsides to both scenarios.
Eliminating any tax liability makes the restricted
status sale kewl as shit, but the federally suggested
retail price may be WAY too puny.

We pitched every idea up and down the phone lines
finally settling on the notion of selling our private
Idaho across the bay near Sisauluk and keeping the
duplex up in Barrow until the new hospital is
completed and all the slack in residential demand is
taken up and the volatile values blown off that frothy
market.

I've only discussed this idea of selling the native
allotment only because my wife is daydreaming about
living as far away from her ancestry as possible. I
find aboriginal anti-intellectualisms a regression
towards the norm and rife with revisionist history.

To contribute to world history, ye gotta learn the
world: ain't happening 'round here.

Long distance landlord duties suck fucking ass, so I'm
in agreement with pops, convert a potential liability
into a revenue stream. Simply owning land is a money
loser until the day you capture your capital gains.
It's all paper until you convert your land into a fat
check or monthly income earning compounding interest.

So, may I ask, what did you talk about all day?

I'm so fucking persistent, I grilled my dad for hours
then I phoned Commander Craig for analysis and
opinion. To which he performed beautifully.

He agreed wholeheartedly that closing my positions in
the real estate market and flying South for a
well-deserved vacation. One place in the works is
dependent upon Estonia granting us dual citizenship: a
secret project I've been tinkering: sneaking and
buggering about behind yer heavily armed backs.

Another is Helsinki, Finland or gomer about on dirt in
Idaho. Either way, ye can't go wrong. In dark
territory Alaska my wife and I harvest opportunities
readily available to her, overseas we'll harvest
opportunities available to me. You'd be surprised how
well a Finn is treated in Finland, ain't no surprise
how one is treated when surrounded by dark, hateful
aboriginals. Yup, I is whining like a bitch again.

Enlightenment and breaking generational dependence
ain't my fucking job. My wife gets it you guys get it.
But how do you politely tell a whole species of
hominids that a nigger is as a nigger does.

I caught hell for stating the world's best birth
control is an education. Thought paradigms make far
better prisons than any iron ball and chain and a lot
of young women unknowingly become their very own
ironsmiths of dependence due to failure to put an
aspirin between their knees.

Each and every one of us has scrawged over a hunnert
different makes and models of inhuman girls. My
numbers ain't nothing like any of yours, but I'm
pegging out my quota a little beyond a rural Alaskan
dime. Fuck we’re lucky to be above ground and
breathing God’s air.

Sex ain’t free, we all pay for it with jewelry, real
estate and wedding vows. I just took a little longer
than you lads in auditioning all candidates domestic,
foreign and mammalian. In other words I had to kiss a
lick a shit load of frog biscuit before I found my
queen, again.

Free enterprise only exists in free space. In some
ways humans are possessed, but shant become
possessions. Surreal estate issues often involve the
misuse of tissue, real estate issues often involve
basic math in context interface.

You guys just got first dibs, make an offer I can’t
refuse. Better yet, send me an email and tell me I’m a
dumb goat ass.

Karl.

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