Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The prehistoric pedestrian has collided with the Internet: 1 out of 3 is pasted and Mozart is premium retard repellant.

Top of the morning gents,

The prehistoric has collided with the Internet. The
cavewoman is in cohorts with Mr. Jetson.

My blessed Siberian Mrs. rallies the shit outa her
sewing machine practically shoving her lead foot
straight through the intake manifold and directly into
the carbs.

Totally fucking gnarly machine pinned wide open like a
fucking Volvo commercial. Renee Julienne could toss
and skate a Renault, Fiat or Cortina like no other and
quite possibly put Jim Rockford in third place behind
Steve McQueen in a boy's list of all-time great
driving heroes.

It's fun to watch.

I got no TV, so I instead watch in rapt attention as
my blessed Mrs. combines blades and needles into a
blurred fusion of sex and violence. The day God
created Woman he blessed this planet infinitely. Don’t
believe me? Surround yer dumb ass with lots of really
smart and pretty women: then do a pencil check you
stupid motherfuckers.

My secret’s out: ya’ll now know why I’m so helpful at
every sewing circle: it’s better’n jerkin’ off to my
gun magazines.

Every month the Tuzzy Library in Barrow held Inupiaq
Craft Sales. Way fucking kewl, me and bun were there
at o'dark hunnert in the morning on Saturday setting
up tables and chairs. Dark as shit outside: north of
70 lat stays fucking dark for 66 days. Never a buzz
kill sunrise: 6 months of pupil dilation has its

Just the other day I ran into 6Killer in front of the
Senior Center. We chatted about the notion of monthly
cultural activities there analogous to the Barrow
Heritage Center's Inupiaq Craft Sale. Just run a
wireless feed into the main bazaar and event room to a
couple laptops. That'd allow anyone to transfer funds
online like a big shot James Bond, fuck all. When 2
smart fuckers get together ye best look out.

Bun sells a steady stream of seal fur hats and always
fetches $250 and plain beaver hats go for a steady
$175. That blessed angel comes home from her Bureau
schooled old lady network happy as lark and loaded
with cash. Some days my pretty wife meets long lost
pals from the golden era of BIA boarding schools
singing euphoric praise for wonderful humans feminine
still breathing God’s air.

On ASRC, UIC and AK PFD dividend weekends she’ll meet
and greet dead presidents of the most aboriginal
texture, having the time of her life and earning pert
near 5 tax-free figures in her fucking pocket, no

In my misspent youth we did much the same paying
$10.00 for a table and laying out butt loads of
dubiously titled firearms. Marysville gun shows.
Federal Way gun shows. And lots of metal chair and
table set up and tear down. Artful dodgers named Pim
and Karluk could be seen at many an open arms markets
all through the 70's and 80's somewhere inside the
killing fields of the Pacific Northwest. Washington
bazaars and shows tend to follow Boeing paydays and
school district paydays.

The money flies greedy in fits and spurts
anti-clockwise to greed and fear. Gun shows, craft
sales and public markets all behave in the much the
same way, human spending decisions under microscope
ain’t fucking brain surgery.

A fucking gun show at the Kotzebue Senior Center may
sound like a good idea, but seeing so many firearms in
one room would give me wood, thus putting a shit load
of elders at risk. Don’t be such a dick weed.

Packing the joint with a shit load of Eskimo women in
the Senior Center for a craft sale would also serve
dual purposes. We would all know exactly where all the
talented gals are concentrated, thus allowing you butt
fuckers to go poach some dullard goat biscuit.

Or you could just come by my place for quick brew and
shot of Kentucky. Ye might live longer.

Fucking A dudes, Internet payments for old hobbies and
ancient crafts: trade and barter just took a big
Scandinavian step forward. Lots of craft sales right
inside our house. I leave the computer on and running
with the Wells Fargo web page open. Most of bun's
customers simply execute direct money funds transfers
instead of paying cash or check. “Hope the police and
taxman miss me” (J. Entwistle-The Who).

Imagine the possibilities. Cash machine out of order?
Just hop on to the Arctic Computing Station and do all
your commerce in seconds, fuck all.

We use online banking to collect our rents; I'll
likely use Internet banking for evermore applications.
Not to mention all our other money streams like our
pensions are electronic and direct. Hell, Wal-Mart and
Joanne Fabrics keep our visits with Harold Wells
frequent and interesting.

Old man Harold Wells is the originator of the phrase
"Pontiac man."

Took me a while to figure it out too. Poor old nigger
thinks it's a Cadillac. Then again, you guys are far
too smart spend entire shifts chatting with crazy
veterans suffering Tourette's syndrome whilst poisoned
on caffeine and aromatic unburned hydrocarbons.

Online purchases are perfect for known commodities,
but direct money transfers allow anyone to shop at the
Siberian Open Markets. And they sure as beat using
debit card machines as a point of sale revenue
collector. Checks notoriously backfire and cash around
the house isn't so smart if yer married to a Finn. A
gun may be the devil's right hand but idle hands
filled with cash are truly the devil's workshop.

My seasonal festivities are also an ancient way of
coping with my darkest hours and darker moods.
Seasonal depression can be thwarted by buying more
lights such as plain old 48 inch fluorescent shop
lights either hung overhead or leaning against the
wall for my glaring benefit and any houseplants my
bunnik places nearby.

You lads know camp nightlife with illumination from
only lanterns. This is typical existence for all of
humanity a mere century ago. Electric light is still
less than a hunnert years old. Imagine an Alaskan
childhood in the 1950's, them's some seriously dark
and dismal winters: no streetlights neither.

When I turned off all the lights at our Willow house
and turned in for the night, I was startled how dark a
home can get: perchance even a little bit scared, and
I ain't a scared of nothing.

Darkness is a real impairment to humans and we're
mighty arrogant to falsely believe we're out of the
woods quite yet. One electro-magnetic pulse and all us
mammals of Negroid descent are again blind, ignorant
and terrified of ever longer and colder nights.

No electricity, no computer and no online banking. Oh
well, at least my wife and I can continue hand
stitching furs, brining game meats and writing
fictional mind failure by candle light.

Let there be light, and lots of it: so bright it
stings yer eyes. I don't want to come out of the other
end of this long winter with a few more of you lads

If yer getting cranky or frustrated maybe even feeling
surly fangs and sinister guard hairs distorting yer
fucking face, drop by karlukmun's place. We can sit,
drink and chat whilst listening to holiday music while
my blessed Siberian Mrs. burns rubber with her sewing

Cheers mates, no whining pussies, and no wretched
fucking cunts. It's the holiday season and all of you
graying gunslingers are a blessed child's very own
Santa Claus.

For the next 6 months, yer all Finnish so cheer up,
and "Po Hee Man Kow Tu", drink to yer health.




SUOMEKSI - IN FINNISH Monday 23.10.2006

Study: One in three pedestrian road accident victims
is drunk

A third of pedestrians and one in four cyclists who
get killed in traffic accidents are under the
influence, if the limit of intoxication is set at 0.5
ppm of blood alcohol.

This was one of the sobering findings of a master's
degree dissertation by Pia Nieminen that has been
published by the Finnish Motor Insurers' Centre. In
her study, Nieminen included 524 fatal accidents
investigated by various road accident boards of
inquiry between 1997 and 2002, in which 281
pedestrians and 243 cyclists died.

Cycling men were drunk ten times as often as cycling
women. Among pedestrians, the corresponding factor was
close to three. Over half of the male pedestrians and
nearly 40 per cent of male cyclists were under the
influence of alcohol when the fatal accident occurred.

Alcohol played a particularly distinct role in the
deaths of cyclists who fell over or swerved off the
road, for nearly three out of four of the victims of
such accidents were intoxicated.

One in ten cyclists had a helmet on. Only seven per
cent of the pedestrians who got killed after dark were
equipped with a luminous reflector-badge or tag.
Likewise, fewer than half of the cyclists had lights
on their bicycle.

Most of the pedestrians and the cyclists were in
violation of traffic regulations at the time of the

Around one out of six male and nearly one out of ten
female pedestrians were reckoned to have deliberately
caused the accident. Some of the cases were considered
to be obvious suicides.

Most of the so-called "light traffic" - pedestrians
and cyclists - fatalities occurred in built-up areas
and in the daytime. Many of the men died at night-time
and during the weekends, which suggests a link to male
weekend spending habits.

Often the victims, both pedestrians and cyclists
alike, were relatively advanced in age, and were hit
by a car driven by a young or working-age driver.

The high risk of young drivers is evident even in the
light traffic fatality statistics. Male drivers
between 18 to 35 years of age were more often guilty
of speeding at the time of the accident than older
drivers. Also, they had more previous traffic
violation convictions than other age groups.

According to the study, observational errors were the
most common risk factor, and both parties were guilty
of them. However, it was also established that the
accident was most often caused by the pedestrian or
the cyclist's violation of traffic regulations.

An equal number of male and female pedestrians lost
their lives in traffic accidents, even though studies
suggest that women walk more than men.

When the accident occurred, one in four of the male
fatalities was stationary on a traffic lane, while one
in five was sober but crossing the street outside a
pedestrian crossing.

Forty per cent of the pedestrian women who were
knocked down and killed were on a pedestrian crossing
at the time.

Links: Finnish Motor Insurers´ Centre


20:20 Helsinki time Monday 23.10.2006

Classical music being used to drive away youngsters
from loitering in public places

Church music in Lohja, Verdi in Tampere shopping mall

By Irja Hyvärinen

There is no firm evidence on the effect of music
played to ward off bears or wolves, but apparently it
is possible to keep unwelcome youth at bay using
classical music. At least this seems to be the case in

A similar experiment is under way now in Lohja, where
early church music is played in a park that has
hitherto attracted loitering youths. According to the
first results, it seems to work, too. "To be fair,
we've only been trying this out since the summer",
explains Dick Sobott, CEO of a real estate firm in the
centre of Lohja.

Vandalism, littering, and breaking of windows reached
such a pitch in Lohja that people would have clutched
at practically any straw.

Classical music has been played already for ten years
to discourage loitering at the back entrance of the
Koskikeskus Shopping Centre in Tampere.

Young people do not much appreciate that kind of
music, so they do not stick around.

The idea was offered up by the local police, following
complaints made by the mall. One of the entrances to
the shoppers' paradise is covered and sheltered from
the wind, and it gathers groups of young people who
hang around and tend to intimidate the adults.

The shopping centre listened to the police advice,
which was based on experiences in the United States,
and it did the trick. There have also been successful
case-studies reported from the UK (see links).

During renovation work recently, the effect of the
music in Koskikeskus was bench-tested. When the radio
was switched off for a while, groups of youths began
to congregate again.

"All it takes is Classic Radio", reported property
manager Risto Lukkari of Koskikeskus. The radio is
powered up when the doors open in the morning and
switched off at the closing of the mall, while the
volume is kept low enough that it does not disturb the

In the Lohja experiment, the canned church music goes
on from mid-afternoon until 22:00.

Juha Kakkuri, programme director at Metroradio, which
produces the Classic Radio programming, says he has
heard of the practice, and that it is intended to make
people who are just hanging out feel uncomfortable.

He hazards the guess that the rhythms of classical
music tend to jar the ears of young people who are
more used to video games, TV-programmes, and pop

In the afternoon, a Verdi opera is being aired for
those in Tampere.

"Utter crap", says Pentti Meskus of the music, as he
rolls a cigarette. "My musical tastes are a bit

Those in the group do not seem to be unduly disturbed
by the opera, however.

"Yeah, it sounds pretty weird when you listen for a
while", admit Pauli and Peter Kalenius. "But really
you don't much notice it, when you are talking like

Annmari Purola, Sini Seppänen, Juho-Lauri Laakso, and
Mihail Kastruis are disposing of a takeaway pizza

"I quite like this [music]. No, really, I do", says

The Koskikeskus manager Risto Lukkari has attempted to
spread the gospel of classical music to other property
managers, but thus far only Lohja has taken up the

In Helsinki, the CEO at the large Forum shopping mall
downtown says that they have not even considered using
music as a crowd-dispersal weapon of this kind.
Meanwhile in Seinäjoki, the managing director of the
Torikeskus mall suggests that maybe it could be an
idea - to clear the place late at night, after the
bars have shut.

Helsingin Sanomat / First published in print 9.10.2006


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home