Don't it make my blond hair blue.

Top of the morning gents,

Sorry for being offline for so long, there's no Internet here at the Rest Home for the Criminally Insane so instead of typing this stupid shit to a bunch of rusty gunslingers, me and bun been taking righteous hikes all over God's Waiting Room (Kenai Borough). We also been driving like we're black rallying our little Scuba-Douche (Subaru) every dirt road and 4-wheeler trail up and down the Sterling Highway forever searching for fishing holes, berry patches and the "elusive mythical Stone Grotto" (Harley Bronson). Since bun sold the Kasilof cabin on Quintin Lake we been looking for new places for coffee and bong hits or tea and toke.

We've discovered a shitload of sweet-ass covert fishing holes on the Cook Inlet fer saltwater and the Kenai, Kasilof and Moose rivers fer fresh and brackish. We've also discovered some giant berry patches that are pert near pornographic. Fuckin' A dude, we're talking 70's porno berry bushes loaded with giant silicone boobies and John Holmes fucking donkey balls. We've scouted some pretty spectacular eagle feeding spots way out in the boonies and quite possibly some of the world's finest toke spots too.

We bought the cabin on Quintin Lake a couple years back when we were shopping HUD repos. We're students of the armed realtor's survival guide, "no dumps, no swamps, no trailers." Put on yer thinking caps, this rules out most of Alaska, but we found a lakeside cabin and large shop on 1.25 acres in Kasilof. One fucking challenge: a huge ass trailer had to be hauled away as a condition of the purchase. Estate sales are like HUD auctions and government surplus disposals so the details were real easy to follow. The original asking price was $100K cash or cashiers check or certified funds and as the property aged on the market the price was reduced to $90,000 then down to $80K. With 280 days listed on the MLS it was technically a little stale and 3 offers were listed for $70,000. Bun offered $75,000 and they accepted, pretty easy: deal and done. LTR NGR (later nigger).

We had to be major fucking dickheads to get that pissy and soggy trailer DTR (down the road). A 40 foot trailer that ignorant tobacco wigger people shit all over: you get the picture. Distill Alaska down to a single niff-ass no-teefer half-breed mud-racer and we're talking real AK907 trailer folk. Goddamned trailer was major tonnage, totally nate and rezzed out with walking rice gagging maggots. After the purchase was recorded and the heirs got paid, my calls to remove the trailer were no longer answered. Imagine that? Dudes, putting that nigger-loving POS somewhere was gonna be a major operation. Dumps and borough transfer sites don't accept fucking trailers so classified disposal techniques might've been deployed. It's Alaska and adaptability is key to disappearing wrecks, appliances, garbage and a hunnert frozen buckets of human cooktuq. Alas, magically, the trailer is gonner duder. Dig me?

Five score and 20 years ago, after you uniformed killers took Zagars and the Capone gangs out of the NANA region, I was transferred to Mat-Su Narcs so me and bun bought a house in Willow. We had to haul away a ghetto-sweet garbage-heaped trailer packed full of Fort Yukon Luggage (trash bags filled with stinking wet clothes and rotten food). We also had a big semi-truck parked in one of the driveways. The trailer took a lot of hard work smashing and tearing off the sheet metal aluminum, knocking it flat and then dragging the frame somewhere. The neighbors were authentic Mat-Su foodstamp buttfucker white folk and begged me for all the aluminum sheet metal scrap so in trade I used their pickup and pulled the 40 foot trailer frame way down Lucky Shot road into an abandoned log-crib septic pit and my very own brand new adhoc dumpsite. I aren't dumb.

Out here in Bush Alaska (Lite), spontaneous dumpsites happen in a blink of an eye. I seen some dumps mysteriously appear overnight and like magnets, they suck my industrial waste all the way there. All by itself. Magically. Alaskans round here are famous for stacking mountains of trash all over the real estate of out of town chump-ass white folks. It's a game of pin the tale on the donkey or tag yer it, crazy winter folks dump heaps o' wreckage all over the properties of snow-bird faggots whilst down south. "It's one o' my rules" (Repo Man).

At our Willow house a semi-truck was also left abandoned by previous owners and never towed away so I called Happy Hooker Towing and had that 18-wheel monster dragged away at the registered owner's expense. A trooper knocked on our door 5 months later investigating a stolen pickup truck. After I explained the truck in question was a giant Peterbuilt, towed away months before and that our purchase agreement specified removal by May, not Halloween, he chuckled, thanked bun for the coffee, said goodbye and left. See? Not all cops are fuckheads.

Our Willow house and Kasilof cabin both looked WAY bigger and roomier once the semi-truck and 2 trailers were dragged away and fucking gone. I'm a genius.

All last year we raked and cleaned our Kasilof property until it was absolutely stunning. We thoroughly enjoyed our time relaxing at the lake for a year or so but in the face of rapidly dropping real estate prices statewide we put the cabin back on the market to try to make a few bucks. We accepted an offer structured with a $12K down payment and $841 a month for 10 years. More than half the down payment was eaten up with all the realtor commissions, closing costs, fees and property taxes leaving bun just a cunt hair over 5 thou. Yup, sucks buttocks but the monthly payments total $10K a year for 10 years. On a selling price of $88,500 and with all the interest bun will reap a total yield of $112K. Fuck dudes, old colored women rock too.

So aside from PERS payments, Social Security, Longevity Bonus (Senior Benefits), Native (common and senior shares) and State Dividends bun also will receive an additional monthly payment until she's pert near 80. Wake up fucks, she's crowding 70 right now, so receiving monthly payments in the form of an owner financed mortgage for the next 10 years far exceeds the shitty interest we were getting with a savings account.

Simply put, bun is acting like a bank. She paid $75K cash at an estate auction for a lakeside cabin and shop, then resold it for $88,500 to someone else via owner financing paying her compounded interest and principal for the next fucking decade. I like monthly payments of $841 because our senior center apartment is only $825 a month leaving bun's PERS/Social Sec./Longevity Bonus/NANA/PFD to provide a comfortable budget for all her other living expenses that come with the indignities and infirmities of old age "weed, whites and wine" (Little Feat). Pretty decent streams of revenue eh bart?

I hope you shooters are impressed with bun's financial portfolio. I pimp my wife, not my ride. Now keep up with me. A fact of life in retirement is less money. It's hard to pull in monies after your "seeds are dried up" (Clapton) and none ye no longer needed on the job. So fuck, a diversified pension is mandatory. PERS TIER I monthly payments and free medical start at age 55, Social Security at age 62, NANA elder dividend and the Longevity Bonus kick in at age 65. Add your regular native dividends and PFD's, your criminal trade and barter like gun, land and cabin sales and ye gotter dicked. Oh yeah, don't forget yer drug proceeds.

I'd like to have kept the cabin and shop to stash contraband, gray market commodities and cars of dubious title, but my job is to take care of bun so that she can live long after my stupid shit's gone. I'm still hiding legally dodgy shooters off-site and out of the hands of my blue haired zombie neighbors but now I gotta stash my shit in the middle of the Kenai National Wildlife Refuge. Between me and you graying gunslingers, shit like pistols, explosives and doobage ain't easily explained to the administrator of my Rest Home for the Criminally Insane and real dangerous for wrinkled dicks and super-glue sealed pussy to play with. Fuck dudes, here at the vaginal vault for rotten powdered eggs and obsolete ball cheese, stinky seasoned citizen white hair cunts are scary as shit. With a gun they're worster.

I talk of aging and death too much. It upsets our peers born between 1946 and 1964 and baby boomer Alaskan dust farters give me that pinched face look of indignant cunts. In the Gray Hair Long Term Parking Zone here on the Kenai Borough fucking old farts lament and whine way too much about their failing rectal pouches, vaginal tree rings and difficulty locating their own ass in the dark with a greased tube colostomy bag filled with home-brew.

But of course we're not getting old, us wrinkled bitches will live forever. We can whine about our health, yet all us AK-raisin-ass pioneers whistle past graveyards. Graveyards fucking packed with friends and coworkers and despite soiled panties a'bunched and old as shit we're dimly aware of our own brief mortality and even shorter period of retirement. Between birth and death, yer closer to death and all ye Tier I pensioners are pert near time zero to TSI, turn self in for Long Term Care. You know, convalescent care for you deaf and diabetic coppers or Pioneer Homes for all you Alzheimer's PTSD motherfuckers.

Plain and simple, with retired cops, old veterans, lonesome grandfathers and your author on drugs roaming the halls of this blessed end of life hospice care facility it's not smart to leave fucking guns and shit all over. Alaska has the highest rates of suicide amongst native youth and old white men. Us old white farts are just as dumb as young brown farts. In death we're all negro and enjoy ballistic pressures exploding inside our mouths spattering our violent memories, teeth and brains into grandma bunny's dementia breakfast or blasting Alzheimer's plaque and bundles like an airborn mikiuq nikipaq buffet. Edward Wayne Henry launched ahpuatti fer ten but Horace Fields shit himself road-kill nallukituk fer a fucking village.

Wanna smell my finger? I just stuck it all the way inside Michael Mills' bullet hole and flipped you off. A wax mold of Sheila (aka: hole in yer bucket) Romaine's bowhead blow-spout yielded a dildo identical to the John Schaeffer Brand Fart Hammer Model anal plug. Skullduggery scratches yer pork sword with bone fragments and during your next day-mare chicken choke sesh you can visualize me long-dicking the brains out of Dallas Hannah or Ethan Cooley. "Headshots ral gud noollik, gud kookoo holster too" (Inupiaq Oochuk Attigignik). Cranial exit wounds spooge splooey smegma. Davidovics ghosts told me so. Twice.

Did you like that bit of OTZ imagery? I suck nuvuk. And ass. Yer all fuckheads.

Even highly trained motherfuckers aren't the safest fools to have firearms nearby. Imagine the staggering number of funerals for dead dogs, TV's, car doors and every human being you rusty killers have blasted the shit out of. For all ye cops now suffering old age, poor health and severe butt-ugliness, you have the ingredients for a tossed brain suicide salad. "A face a man has by the age of 50 is a face he has earned." Now that you're old, sick and ugly, you can shoot it off.

Don't do a Larry Brown and drunkenly blast out yer cheek and gum. That hurts. Fucker had to dig through the kitchen drawers fer another shotgun shell, reload, then painted Hannah Washington's face and anus with his wormy shit-brains. You could wrap a towel around your head and pull the trigger like child gomer Gill Hall but that baby butt pumper made suicide so un-cool. Bone smoker should've died in agony choking on electrified lamp cords plugged into 41-unit apartment 101. Or Mendenhall's fucking dick.

Look on the bright side of getting old, you don't have to pass any drug tests to collect all your pensions. Senior centers, rest homes and convalescent care facilities encourage industrial drug-induced stupification on a wholesale level. All day and night we get classic rock mindlessly droning throughout our elder care facility cuz it pacifies us really old fucking fossils. If you play arcane old pop music from our puberty, us baby boomers drift back to our mongoloid childhood, reminisce how great we used to be, how cool our cars were and tearfully recall the good old days when our dicks didn't stink native.

Most of us dust farting shooters start our day with a wake and bake sesh and daytime activities include stronger prescription drugs, drool cup meditation, 420 safety meetings, Indun chief seshes, beer bongs and our favorite senior activity, blasting soggy brown diapers across the highway at passing cop cars with our potato gun. I like launching poopy old lady nana-nappies. Unnuk don't
bother me, I'm from Kotzebue.

If you choose to retire near your tar-baby inlaws, you'll be munching fly larvae brown pussy, stacking mountains of frozen inbred Shungnak FAS baby popsicle puppets in the cunichuck and yer retarded ice nigger grandkids will be kicking yer ass fer beer money. Oh wait, you guys already been there, done that. Got the t-shirt, noatak burns, herpes blisters and retarded children. Go native ah?

Choosing the color composition of your rest home for your golden years is important. Ethnicity, pets or no pets, smoking or not, whether there's a bar on-site and most important, 420 friendly. I recommend the no smoking no pets selection cuz I been tracking feline fecal Noorvik aggagoobuk snacks and Buckland puppy pie filling everywhere and old cunt-smoke tobacco wiggers fucking stink. On the bar and weed zones, good fucking luck, this is Alaska not Finland and your AK-raisin neighbors are shrunken-head inukun runt-niff sub-humans, not Vikings. Aside from Finns, youth and beauty are often wasted upon the young, so put the slaves on cruise-control, I've got a fucking hair appointment. Dudes, you'll soon awake surrounded by rancid wigger prune-tang that used to be women and used to live in all my trailers.

In Alaska, senior citizens are racist as shit and behave similarly to playground brats and prison yard bullies. Old native biddies will run off any pretty little thing (tasty white biscuit under 60) and wretched cunt white cooters make life miserable for any high steppin' yeller First Alaskan PERS retiree proud of her ancestry, financial portfolio and big akka milluks. Our diaper dive senior center has a sign out front on the Sterling Highway: "no niggers, no natives, no trespassing." We sneaked bun in cuz we checked off the gook box on the application. Saved big buxsh dude, fat deposits fer nates and negroes. There's deposits fer dogs and mongoloids, but not as much.

Old Alaskans are a most vicious lot and the Medicaid have-nots bitch the loudest that the state of Alaska "never did anything for me." Nasty elephant clootch-labials bristle and hiss like varmint vaginals in heat everytime I run off at the mouth about free 160 acre native land allotments, 10K-$50,000 annual north slope native corporation dividends and free native healthcare. Old niggers believe BIA stands for Born In Asia and IHS means Indigent Homo Sexuals. In the dayroom over at the Dementia Clubhouse, discussing JewNo kyping the PFD and spending it on loser native programs like free food, clothing and shelter fer salmon crunchers can be dangerous. And messy. I gotta duck colostomy bag foodfights, getting run over with wheelchairs, old zombies hacking loochers into my drool cup or walking canes speared into my nuts. Fuck I'm funny.

Old shit-ass bag ladies and blue hair migrants from yonder lesser 48 arrive here with their hands out expecting everything to be "free-ninety-free." Grandma got poopy butt? Sorry nigger frosty, shit costs more this far North. These hords of geriatric geezers fucking mob the food banks, church food and clothing charities. Mean old fuckers even raid the moldy bread them weird religious church faggots donate to rest homes to fatten up our mindless bag-lady shopping cart drivers. Good ol' Alaska attracts the worst of the worstess: shit-ass poor, handicapped and the elderly. A real Indun pow-wow. Just with all the pee.

I'd do a couple of them silver biscuits on Golden Girls but if you think that there's hot chicks or tasty babes at AK-raisin rest homes, you're wrong. My new residence hall is filled with cranky old no-teefers and life here at the Senior Center is way different than my years in the dorms at UAF. I seen drunken Fairbanks teenage white party-bitches heave, piss and shit jelly fish out their pussy and fellow inmates wretch up their own gonads. Now I got nasty worm infested diabetic leper grandmas losing toes, tits and tasty bits as they drag their bottoms up and down the hallway like their itchy butt pooches. Being a bitch-nate from Kiana, I still fuck'em.

I'm the only male on the floor and I miss certain smells working with you coppers: Irish Spring soap, Old Spice aftershave and Mennen Speed-stick underarm deoderant. Sniff yer own mums and wives, post-menopausal freeze-dried cunts and their horded garbage stink real fucking awful. If we ever let women into Heaven, I already know what it'll smell like. Bunking with crab processors, slime liners, soldiers and inmates, senior living takes skill and patience. And nose plugs.

You gotta be tough to live as long as us and after your shitty careers in and out of uniform you'll continue to suffer the ignorance of Alaska's thickest morons. The pioneer descendants of whores and miners are long-gone. Now we're overcrowded with their retarded progeny pooping all over my lawn and Alaska's old folks' homes are filled with constipated white folks that don't know any of you guys. These gape-ass rotting lepers drift up here on the old nigger welfare tourist gig sponging up all our beds, meds and diapers without a clue of how our blessed resource extraction colony come to be and how all you quick-draw killers and graying gunslingers played such an important role in Alaska's history. And restocking our retard FAS hybrids.

These hordes of newly arriving itchy and scratchy old fart visitors don't understand why Alaska is rolling back to it's Appalachian origins. When bun was born to the bleak Territory of Alaska in 1950 she suffered and survived a nightmare. 30 years later government health and safety services exploded as oil revenues fire-hosed all over rural Alaska. Now it's all going away and the horrors of aboriginal tradition, lawlessness and wholesale child rape is returning to Alaska. It'll be like Wade Hampton infected the entire state and we return to the HIV-Pondue Days we fondly remember. Mud, bugs and drugs, tall NeanderTard discharge, bubonic herpes and the plague dude all over the brown biscuit region. Gives me wood.

I've rather enjoyed watching the decline of Alaska and the winding down of our small towns and villages. I suppose that makes my one gas station town just another ghost town in a ghost state. It's staggering to witness Alaska's growth from my work back in the stone ages processing fish guts in 1980 then working for all you sick bastards in uniform and growing quite fond of Don Beuler, Kim Nay and Carlos Salazaar. All you sworn motherfuckers duly infected me with altruistic bullshit concern for community and caring for others above myself. Serious whacking material.

I'm not sure if I'll ever give a shit about this fucked up state, but look at me: I'm typing stupid shit to graying gunslingers that have known me longer than my own parents. My nearly 60 years has been soiled with pert near 40 years of Alaskan residency. Our rotation out of state is already scripted by my fucking whitee tribes of the Palmer, Fairbanks and Kenai Colonies. Come to Alaska, defrost and season native pussy, steal everything not nailed down, then move back to our homestate with all our loot. And herpes. Standard operating procedure for us robber baron scumbags and I fucking wrote the book.

Now that we're old and pert near croakville I'm anguishing my departure. As witnessed by the high turnover of Alaska's residents, most retirees from public service and teaching do the PERS double nickel and leave the state upon retirement. I'm probably gonna do the same but part of me doesn't want to leave the state that gave me a pristine yet completely blank resume, scars I can't remember, nightmares that aren't mine and now a gold-plated pension plan that goes wherever I choose. They say it's something in the water, but every time I leave Alaska I get homesick as a motherfucker.

I've left the state dozens of times for narc work in far-away countries. Now I gotta stay home, I'm on restriction and grounded from the playground and can't play with my death squad and secret police team mates. I got in trouble and my mom said, "Adii, yer such a goddamn nunapichak bitch." "Go milk the goats, make tea, then go to your room and grease the cat's butt."
A lot of us AK PERS dust farting retirees that chose the Long Term Care option will have to annually evaluate our departure to states that have rest homes, convalescent facilities and senior centers that meet LTC's strict certifications required by our PERS program. Senior property tax exemptions are rapidly disappearing at our respective boroughs and the Permanent Fund Dividend is rightly going away. The senior NANA dividend will forever pay our wives from the age of 65 a couple thousand every January so we only lose the in-state senior goodies. The three penalties for moving out of state is the PERS 10% cost of living (in-state) bonus, the longevity bonus and the PFD.

The upside to moving back to the states is much cheaper goods such as food, fuel and lodging plus vastly more affordable life-support systems for our golden years. Of course, the longevity bonus and PFD are soon to be goner dude and in the upcoming era of post-oil, post-longevity bonus and soon to be goner PFD, the only hit to our pension portfolios when we depart Alaska is the 10% cost of living bonus.

I'm afraid to leave, scared shitless sticking around but a statewide income tax and sales tax will tilt our flight back to America the same day JewNo tries to reach into my fucking wallet. I don't know about you killers, but I came to Alaska to get rich. It's my treasure, I stole it fair and square. Talk of statewide sales taxes and income taxes merely advertises the launch codes for our departure. I ain't fucking giving a dime back.

I'm an expert at reading tea leaves. It will soon be time to take our massive medical, dental, vision, audio, LTC public pension packages to out of state facilities.

Alaska is no country for old men. Nor your PERS pension package.

Karl.