Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Lights is growin' dim Tex, so learn Inupiaq before you croak.

Top of the morning gents,

Goddamned immiktuqs bug the shit outa me. I oughta
close down the Scandinavian bar. Not. The Alaska
Permanent Fund checks arrived in the mail on Saturday
and yes, every drop of liquor and crumb of marijuana
was auctioned to the highest bidder inverse to
intelligence.

No shit, ain't no sunshine for 2 months, so on our
first day of darkness, my neighbors converted to
liquid fuels. Crib Death: Double R down the pie hole,
natural gas out the stink hole and die. On my late
night hikes to go shooting, smoking and drinking I saw
a mess o' LifeGuard and LifeFlight medical transports
departing over my bakedHead and barely warmed 44.

Soilent Green dudes. I could brine and dry human
buttcheeks. Pre-diabetic fat fucks make the best
tunnik punniktuq. I'm an expert goat fucker and can
milk any job that comes my way. The rubber boots are
Scots-Highland rear leg restraints and some
animalistic husbandries can pack a lot of meat in
their cooter. Just ask me brother Tobus.

"What are you saying appa kye?" (Sara Magnum's oldest
girl Gwendolyn Ootoyuk).

Like my lineage, 'groidal type and generation, my
fellow Eskimo brethren will soon learn to pronounce
words like Metformin, Avandia, Lipitor and Lysipronil,
or was that Lysinopril. I can't read braille without
my Preparaton H.

Fact of life. Most of us take blood pressure meds,
cholesterol meds, blood sugar meds and thus, are
expressing our mutual love and heartfelt admiration
for each other. Keep taking your meds: or else yer
gonads, kidneys and eyes will start leaking. And
failing.

Otherwise yer nigger asses wouldn't be around for me
abuse the shit out of. Spock would espouse us to 'live
long and prosper' whereas I need friends like scabs:
to pick on constanstly.

Flipping shit is what reminds me of you guys. A life
without you graying gunslingers and justifiably
violent sons of birches would basically suck. Imagine
not having mUtt and jEfF to kick around any longer?

Code talk for Squish and the Sgt, or K6 muktok and
Nush. Without them four geniuses a hunnert fewer
cheekbones would be broke, fewer Indun teeth stuck in
yer hands and patrol car windows shot all to fuck.

Shoot, if it hadn't been for the Chief's or
SixKiller's well placed skeletally distorting punches,
Werneke's anus would be an inny instead of an outy and
Mike Lie's face and testes wouldn't be all crooked and
goofy looking.

To forewarn golfers of incoming missiles and drunken
monkey fuckers of impending ass kickage, simply yell,
"K-FORE 616!"

Mortality rates are cruel and actuarial tables don't
lie. The reason I laugh whenever my buddies git soaked
and croaked, eat their gun or dive under a semi truck
is cuz I'm relieving stress. Stress from the fear of
death and losing hold of the miracle of life with both
my opposing thumbs, and bicameral brain.

You fucks are lucky. I'm already dead meat and rank
excretia cuz I'm a primitive make and obsolete model.
I'm merely homo-erectus habillus all on account I got
grasping hands. And a right handsome pecker.

Wake up fucks. The only way we could be in the middle
of our midlife crisis is if we're gonna live to the
age of 80, 90 or a hunnert. The likelihood of any of
us living to see 100 is a big ZERO. Upon death, a
cross section ring count of our wooden boners likely
yields numbers WAY under 60.

Reason 1. We all grew up exposed to second hand
cigarette smoke, with rank fumes and chewing tobacco
syrup dripping down our fucking face right now as we
speak.

I grew up in a house constantly filled with my dad's
aromatic pipe tobacco smoke and anytime my grandma
Saimi was in house for cooking, cleaning and beating
me and Cully, we were fumigated with Salem Lights.

Good stuff Maynard. The first cigarette I ever smoked
was stolen from my grandma. I've since added a nasty
consumption of French Galouses (Gal-waw) cigs during
my years at university and working at Helsinki and St.
Petersburg campuses.

I've since smartened up and exchanged cigarettes for
vitamins, Ritalin and high fiber hemper dude bong
rips. I'm just like all of you: really fucking
retarded.

Children growing up with cigarette smoke in their
homes should clip a decade off their lifespans and
those of us currently smoking or chewing should
calculate pine box diving 20 years before a healthy
mongoloid's dirt nap. That goes for herb chokes too,
so our trips to Dutch cafes and Helsinki hemp bars
count double damages. I'm so fucked.

Reason 2. Y'all got waist measurements WAY over 40
inches. Belly fat is mirrored with aortic plaque
build-up.

My heaviest was pert near 300 pounds, but since
getting married Jan 23 '03, I now look like an AIDS
vicitim. Good thing my ancestors survived the plague,
thus the Nordic immunity to AIDS.

Also explains why that trigger happy fucker from
Janton, CA ain't fucking dead. Some of the pussy he's
ruined had alien acid inside-like Trudy Kenworthy
shooting ping pong balls in yer drinks.

Before you die, visit Noorvik in the winter.
Absolutely gorgeous if you can get past the cunnichuk
macaques and inbred FAS mischief.

For reasons retarded and soaked, I can't remember any
of my trips to Noorvik. Me and higbitch and Chip
Hailstone sure got fuckered up on Lysol, hairspray,
homebrew and bootleg pink cap 51. "I don't know, I was
really drunk at the time" (P. Floyd).

If I mixed enough Tang with my cans of hairspray or
Lysol, my cocktail gave me akhakitch nuvuk quagolaq
that tastes like orange flavored kikmik unnuk ice
cubes. If a dog can lick his own bottom and penis, why
not you minority dak-daks?

Can you believe this wigger speaks more Inupiaq than
all you half-beast sodomites? "It's cuz yer gay"
(Super Dad from Unalakleet).

AFN dudes: ain't fucking native. You ain't worth
doodoo till ye speak yer own language better'n me. And
I'm just a piece of worthless doodoo white trash.

Life is short, yet yer stay with long deceased
troopers is forever.

Take better care of yourselves. You're already dead
and buried and 'gone to be with the worms.' I better
take my vitamins and aspirin, as me bunnik ordered me,
"Eat your mushuk."

Karluk Immiktuq.


*Take a look at these clippings right from our
backyards.

It may be a typo, but the news service mistakenly
calls our super drunken neegro skid mark Noorvik. I've
gotten super drunk with Horace (whore ass) Field a
million fucking times: if he ain't drinking, he's
dying.

---

Man struck by semi may have been drunk (ye think so?)

by Jill Burke
Sunday, Nov. 18, 2007

ANCHORAGE, Alaska -- Police say a man struck and
killed by a semi -truck last week may have been
drinking.

Horace Field, 45 of Noorvik, died after being struck
and dragged in an accident downtown last weekend.

Police say blood tests show he may have been drinking.
Toxicology tests are also being completed on the truck
diver, although police believe he was sober.

Police are reviewing surveillance footage from an FBI
building nearby to determine where Noorvik was
standing when the semi turned the corner, striking
him.

---

(Honest Injun, I NEVER in my life had this much
cocaine in my house. More than a quarter pound of
crack was seized in Kotzebue)

Cocaine found in Kotzebue residence
November 16, 2007 at 10:54AM AKST
THE SOUNDER STAFF

A large amount of money and 147 grams of rock cocaine
were found and seized from a residence in Kotzebue on
Nov. 5.

The drugs and money were found by officers with the
Kotzebue Police Department, Alaska Bureau of Alcohol
and Drug Enforcement and the Alaska State Troopers,
after a search warrant was executed in the house
following an investigation into the case.

Three people were present in the house at the time of
the search. Mckyle Shumann, 25, of Kotzebue, Easter
Lane, 22, of Kotzebue and Hakim Giddins, 27, of
Anchorage were arrested.

Charges of third-degree misconduct involving a weapon,
third-degree misconduct involving a controlled
substance and fourth-degree misconduct involving a
controlled substance as well as violation of
conditions of release were filed with the Kotzebue
court.

---

AK Bureau of Alcohol & Drug Enforcement

-------------------------------------------------

Location: Kotzebue
Case number: 07-99720
Type: MICS IV

Text: On 11-19-07, Kotzebue ABADE contacted Carlos
Hawley, 57 of Kivalina at a local airline, as he
prepared to depart Kotzebue en route to Kivalina.
Further investigation revealed that Hawley was in
possession of over 5 pounds of marijuana. The
marijuana was seized and Hawley was arrested and
charged with 2 counts of Misconduct Involving a
Controlled Substance in the 4th Degree.

Author: AFB0
Received Monday, November 19, 2007 3:19 PM and posted
Monday, November 19, 2007 3:50 PM

---

Two Barrow men arrested, charged with burglary,
assault

Isaac W. Leavitt, 26, and Christopher R. Leavitt, 24,
have been arrested and charged after North Slope
Borough Police officers responded to a report of an
assault and burglary at the residence of Brady J.
Grimes on 4436 North Star St. in Barrow.

Investigations determined that three suspects had
entered Grimes' home in his absence, breaking out
several windows and damaging property inside the home.

Upon his return, Grimes was attacked by two of the
suspects and was later transported to the local
hospital and treated for lacerations and contusions to
his head and torso.

Isaac W. Leavitt was charged with second-degree
assault, first-degree burglary and third-degree
criminal mischief. Christopher R. Leavitt was charged
with third-degree assault, first-degree burglary and
third-degree criminal mischief.

The case is under investigation, and the police are
seeking the identity of the third individual involved
in the incident.

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