Thursday, December 21, 2006

I must be in a really fucking good mood. Or sober.

Top of the morning gents,

Sorry for the intermittent posting. As stated before,
I've been directed by my blessed Siberian Mrs. to make
all the stops over at MMC-Manure-lick Medical Center.

This week, I hit the eye doctor, so to speak.

As protocol, I dressed up to the 9's. For you stinking
Alaskan killers and rapists present, that means
wearing a wedding tux or a burial suit.

I get great treatment! As I stroll past the Senior
Center and AC I shift out of second gear, put on my
Lord Fauntleroy campus personality and glow, and
"shove it on down into overdrive" (Hotrod Lincoln).

I don't know about you ugly fucks, but I get big shiny
wood whenever I abort my normal hung over, drugged out
and miserably angry village personality. I strip,
scrub my bottom and penis, and put on a coupla grand
in clothing. I then chow a PILE of Ritalin, look in
the mirror and tell myself, "This is a job for
Superman."

In my old age and fit as a fiddle, I can attract the
world's most beautiful women. Shit, I even married one
of 'em.

Advice: as menopause torments yer bitchy wives, take a
drinking vacation in Scandinavia. All you boys would
return home with a skip in yer step, head high and a
smile on yer face and a mysterious confidence around
really pretty women.

I know you boys are all married, or neutered, but
before you die, buy some non-Alaskan buttfuck
haberdashery, and spend these next menopausal years
truly enjoying your wives' mid-life exile to the
bleeding hut. Both of ye shant be miserable.

Besides, men your age are in such short supply in
Europe. Hot commodity due to a baby boom and surplus
of gorgeous girls ages 20-35. It's so cool for young
girls to score an older wealthier sophisticated
gentleman.

If any of you are game, let's set up a reunion in
Tallin, Estonia or Helsinki. The money is cheaper'n
shit and so is the liquor. The pussy pays for itself
with monetary dividends you don't gotta share with yer
cranky wives. You Alaskan boys would be so popular
there.

Okay, back to misery and this blessed FAZ-fetal
alcohol zone.

The eye doctor gave me some rather difficult news.

He stated there is ZERO alcohol, cocaine, diabetes and
blunt trauma damage in my eyes. ZERO. Wouldn't even
prescribe me glasses so I could look even smarter.

I reiterated my propensity for varietal abuse plethora
chemical and sexual, whereupon the eye doctor restated
that I was healthy, wealthy and wise.

Fuck me in the goat ass.

And now, page 2.

Alaskan humor is a unique blend of trauma and
hilarity. Jan Shackles explained ER humor to me and
ever since then I've tapped into a collective genius
and plagiarized some really comic shit.

Remember my quip about sneaking out of the placenta
bucket? I don't care which hole yer born outa, that's
funnier’n a cluster of grapes bigger'n a plume of
hemorrhoids in a baby carriage.

As expected by you blessed graying gunslingers, I
found some really weird, funny AND dumb crimes
reported on the AST PIO web page.

http://www.dps.state.ak.us/pio/dispatch/index.asp

One pair of fucking geniuses is now behind bars for
mailing drugs behind bars. Now that's both yer brain
on drugs and similar to Roy Mendnehall's ass in
prison. Some shit never heals, and death is the best
cure for stupid: that shit is forever.

Fucking geniuses.

Another posting is of a 15 year old girl that reported
she was sexually assaulted by a male from within her
community. What's left out is that the rapist is MORE
likely a member of her own family.

"What does a 6-year old native girl yell when she has
her first orgasm?"

"Ease up dad, yer crushing my smokes."

Don't believe me? All of us have tasted our wives'
pussy on our father in law's dick. Hence why all of us
have married rape victim squaw scraling biscuit, cuz
we're all rapists. Hooah!

Sexual assaults are funny stuff. Especially out here
on the rez. We can't stand the heat of Africa. Nor the
dysentery flavored AIDS.

*I now have figured why so many Eskimo chumps leap the
rez and chase white pussy.

It's cuz melanin cursed bitches got biscuit that looks
like yer grandpa's wallet.

*What's the difference between a white trash
Washington bitch on a horse and searching for lost
golf balls?

One is a hunt on a course.

*I was never much to spank my children.

They get the message whenever I just wave my gun
around.

*I was down at Auntie Charlie’s getting my hair done.
During my haircut, Charlie went to the corner of his
shop, dropped trou and took a piss. I asked him what
the fuck he was doing and he stated that his lease
expires soon and he is vacating premises in 2 weeks.

So when he was making change for me, I dropped trou
and crapped a handsome 12-pound steaming turd on his
floor.

He asked me what the fuck I was doing?

That's when I told him, "I'm leaving right now."

*This morning the doctor asked me how I got this huge
bruise on my forehead. So I told him.

I was fucking my wife doggy-style and she ran under
the neighbor's porch.

Fuck I'm funny. Only in Alaska.

"God is a comedian." "We're all too stupid to laugh."

You've heard that quote before, but during last
night's banter and abuse with Commander Craig, he
reminded me how truly smart he is.

Another quote from Rachel Craig made me proud as a
peacock. She truly loves my tunnik punniktuk: spicy
dried caribou.

"Adii Karl" "I didn't know our food tasted so awful."

The years they lived outside of Shelton, WA me bunnik
pressed me to send Rachel and David lots of black
meat, muktuk, dried meat and all the leftover
surveillance and phone tapping gear I kyped from all
my contract narc jobs with Statewide Drug Enforcement,
the Finnish Police Authority and Estonian Passport
Kontrol.

I also sent him a bunch of other shit from my work
overseas, but since you guys are cops, I won't detail
a comprehensive list aside from pistols, rifles and
micro cameras and half-watt transmitters.

Fuck yourself. Spy, spook and narc gear makes for much
fun in the hands of a former employee of OSS.

Mind you maggots, I'm still on the hook for his Arctic
Sounder subscription and long distance phone calls.
Commander Craig is my surrogate dad. I'd like to spoil
my own parents, but their net worth exceeds this
entire gang of killers. No shit.

Carry on gentlemen. Thank me later for the funny
fucking posting.

Besides, I owe you. Let me repay you by being your
tour guide overseas. You boys really and truly deserve
at least a fraction of the joy I've received here on
Earth.

But leave the bitches back at the bleeding hut.
They’re menopausal survival rates improve if you leave
a plaid dildo (thermos) in the freezer.

Karluk is the best luck.

---

Location: Palmer
Case number: 06-98243
Type: MICS II, III, IV, V, & Promoting Contraband I
Text: On 11-6-06 Alaska State Troopers received a
report from Palmer Correctional Center that drugs were
mailed to inmates. Investigation revealed Daniel
Jackson, age 27, and Sarah Odman, age 23, both of
Anchorage, were involved in the drugs being mailed to
Palmer Correctional Center. Daniel and Sarah were
arrested on 12/13/06 and charges are being forwarded
on both for Promoting Contraband I and, Misconduct
Involving a Controlled Substance in the II, III, IV,
and V degrees for introducing contraband into Palmer
Correctional Center. Daniel and Sarah were remanded
into Mat-Su Pretrial Facility where they are each
being held on $100,000.00 bail, plus a court approved
third party custodian.
Author: ATM1
Received and posted Wednesday, December 13, 2006 1:58
PM

Location: Mekoryuk
Case number: 06-107988
Type: Sexual Assault
Text: On 11/11/06 at 2030 hours, VPSO's in Mekoryuk
received a report from a 15 year old female reporting
that she'd been sexually assaulted by a male subject
in the same community. The investigation is
continuing.
Author: MJD1

Location: Bethel
Case number: 06-107991
Type: Theft
Text: On 12/8/06 at approximately 0850 hours, AST
received a report from the Clerk of the Bethel Court
Complex of missing funds. The investigation is
continuing.
Author: MJD1
Received and posted Wednesday, December 13, 2006 5:13
PM

**Is Blanchard now working in Bethel?

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