Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Please be candid. Courtesy will not be tolerated out here in the smoking section of this cat box.

Top of the morning gents,

I attended a meeting the other day, and pert near
chuckled my pants wet. Willie Goodwin accused
delegates from Fairbanks for being racist.

Ain't that a hoot? Mr. Ice Nigger Bigot himself
bitching cuz Fairbanks folks make the honest mistake
that some native never die, they just smell that way.

Fairbanks is torn to shreds with ethnic conflict and
hominid contrasts. Even me and bunnik were scared
shitless of all the fucked up pickle brained interior
Induns staggering around downtown, and we ain' a
scared a nothing.

During my tenure at UAF I was spoiled with visits from
you lot, on campus and night clubbing. We all was
awestruck at the indigents staggering and sleeping in
the roadways of Fairbanks quite similar to Nome or
Dutch Harbor. Lots.

It's a simple leap of failed logic to assume ALL
interior natives are fucked up drunks, but no mistake
to assume that alcohol is overly stigmatized and
suffering aborigines overly sensitive to how truly
funny non-negroes find this syndrome.

I cackle at Dick Van Dyke's pratfalls, Red Skelton's
antics of over intoxication. As the centuries roll by,
I've relaxed enough to cackle at the epidemic
devastation alcohol has handed my brethren.

Humor is a clever tool jabbing your Achilles heal,
lynch pin and keystone of vulnerability that
rightfully brings both tears and riotous laughter. I
don't know why, it just does.

All humor is merely an exaggeration of silly innocuous
behaviors. In the matrix of human potential, some
language and some ideas will likely upset someone.

That's why ethnic diversity sucks ass. We can banter
with best of 'em, until some sensitive cunt shaped
pear wanders off the reservation and ends up here in
the smoking section of this cat box I cordoned off in
yer minds.

Best buzz kill? Invite naive women or righteous
faggots.

In homogenous cultures, there's no such thing as bad
words. When ye start churning the melting pot filled
with a continent of all immigrants, some arriving
sooner, some arriving later: yer bound to piss off
minds not expanded beyond their personal beliefs and
not fallen off the edge of the Earth.

"The black folks hate the yellow folks, the yellow
folks hate the red folks, but everyone hates the Jews"
(Spike Jones 1960).

Much of your common day language is rife with racist
terminology sublime. Whenever I get short changed at
the store I bitch I got gypped. The word gypped
derivative of gypsy, the meaning self-evident.

As stated heretofore, some stereotypes DO come with
guarantees.

An educated pal from a hunnert years ago once let
loose a doozy. Al Sanders chided me for being cheap.
After brews and drinks, Mr. Sanders snatched up the
bar tab, and then suggested I cover the tip.

Cool enough, guessing the total bill to be 'round a
hunnert bucks, I tossed down a 20, to which Mr.
Sanders asked if I was being a 'bit niggardly are we?'
This quip from a proud black journalist and radio
professional of Nigerian candidacy and loves my acrid
wit dearly.

Fuck it, I asked him how much the tab was and he
informed me it was $150, so I snatched up the twenty,
walked directly to our server and handed the chap a
fifty, thanking him profusely for overlooking Alaska
Statute over serving regs and putting up with zebra
fucking intoxication and loud on color humor.

Mr. Sanders is brilliant, razor sharp tongued and a
pure joy to play 20 questions and fuck yer momma
discourse. Man talk you dip shits. Just good ol' boy
bullshitting just between you, me and the fence post.
Albeit in the company of bright interracial comrades
and iconoclastically strident big fucking mouths. The
dude can dish it in fine form.

This same chap explained to me the origins of the term
'Yankee' as slang that was first and foremost a racial
epitaph derogatory of the Dutch. A Dutch handshake is
a fuck in the ass, Dutch treat means YOU'RE paying for
everything, and going Dutch is code for 'bring your
wallet' these Hollanders are cheap gits.

John Cheese is what Americans called these dike
motherfuckers, but with harsh Netherlander drawls ye
get Yawn Keys. Which is still mocked viciously
whenever yer called a fucking Yank or Yankee.

Continental American folks really hated the 1600's
Dutch super power and owner of New Amsterdam. So much
that as soon as possible, they changed the name to
New York but left Harlem in great white flights.
Look on a map, there are numerous towns and cities .
named Harlem within the diked off regions of Holland.

Here's another. Did you know that despite my
irritating Nordic features, my gramps was called a
WOP?

No shit. A fucking WOP.

If you immigrated to the United States in the 1930's
and didn't have a passport, identification, visa
paperwork you put on the Group W bench. This is where
all them dang foreigners that were With Out Papers
were relegated. And you thought only Dagos could be
called Wops.

The best in breed at slinging acronyms clever are my
hunting, raping and drinking pals up in Barrow: real
fucking artists in the ways of bigotry.

Mack Rock, Felton, Jack Octolluck, Reilly Kuwonna and
your author on drugs cackled evil at SKW meaning Some
Kind of Worker, UICC meaning Under the Influence of
Crack Cocaine, and NSB meaning Never SoBer. You get
the gist of it, much like AFN meaning Alcohol For
Natives.

Don’t get yer panties in a bunch. I dish it too, but I
gotta take it. I earned the monikers of Nigger,
NeeGroid, Stink Man and Oochuk Boy. Nicknames for the
only goddamned tunnik enjoying banter and obviously
derived from Proud Eskimo motherfuckers.

As a matter of fact, the very best nigger jokes I ever
heard are from African natives and the very best
fucking Niff jokes I ever heard were from my Alaskan
native brothers, albeit from darker mothers.

Go figure.

You funny fuckers have all contributed to my junkyard
mind filled with stupid trivia; lacking any
imagination allows me to memorize everything, creating
nothing. Had I not absorbed all yer flavorful
languages, my writing would invariably be entirely
devoid of interest.

And I thank you.

Stop worrying about hurting anybody’s feelings. The
kid that declared the King had no clothes was just
saying like it is, not how we’d wish things to be.
Wishful thinking is bullshit and idealism is mutually
exclusive of realism.

Ye see nothing good stands alone.

Until my gray fills in, I gotta put up with dumb cunt
bitches reciting stupid ass blond jokes assigning
blame for mistakes as blond moments. To which I retort
with menopausal comedy, rotten eggs and dry sap. If
you want to empty a room in 2 seconds and cackle evil
at fleeing tearful pear shaped white women, remind ‘em
that the only moisture in the room ain’t anywhere near
their penis holsters.

Without all them nasty ass white fuckers spilling into
Alaska, you boys wouldn’t cherish my friendship, foul
humor and contrastingly ugly skin hue, eye and hair
color. It's okay, I know most white folks are dumber'n
fuck and claim to embrace the myth of the noble
savage.

Gags ye huh?

White man this, white man that. Who gives a shit?
Human migrations exemplify mobility of labor and
capital. We'd all still be black if none of us decided
to ditch the stinky niggers all around the Olduvai
Gorge and hike out to Asia or Europe. You see, our
differences indicate adaptability to the nth degree.

Next time some self-loathing white trash bitch
apologizes to you for misunderstanding and
maltreatment of all our ancestors, kick her in the
cunt. As you boys age and gain wisdom, you too will
eventually realize that all humans are composed of 50%
tyrants and 50% slaves.

Don't listen to any of that claptrap. We're all
blessed from numerous collisions of numerous cultures.
We are all here today because we've all overcome sheer
terror and justifiable misunderstandings of alien
cultures. Cultural and racial conflict merely
illustrates human nature and human beauty. Complex
equations, but synergy at it's best. Think about it.

Besides, when it comes to abusing chunky white women,
it’s payback time. All races can get in line and kick
that dog, because the whole world hates whiny white
bitches. Trust me, they ain't all that.

Think back to when you suffered through adolescence
and horrid puberty metamorphosis from a cute little
boy into a stinking hairy assed man: painful as shit.
Yer body yanking you all over hell and back, and girls
started looking REALLY fucking good.

Now it’s karma. All them tortuously pretty girls are
wilting and you boys are experiencing the sexually
biased and truly unfair difference between all them
old hags and us handsome, distinguished elderly
gentlemen. Living well is the best revenge.

I thoroughly enjoy dressing up in grand fashion,
draping jewelry and furs on my Siberian Mrs. then
walking all around Alaska just to watch Alaska's ugly
white dikes turn green with envy.

Shit, I caught hell for marrying a fucking native. One
difference, mine is sober, gorgeous and absolutely
brilliant. Quite unlike natives truly deserving
discrimination.

You boys will never know ovarian failure, diminished
oxygen and calcium carrying capacity in yer blood.
Early senility, if it arrives at yer door, ain't from
menopause: strong drink and smoking too much, maybe,
but not menopause.

Finns call it the 72 angels and 72 demons. Every boy
is born with 72 demons on his shoulders, and every
girl is born with 72 angels on their shoulders.

Every birthday, boys and girls swap a demon for an
angel so that by the time we’re 72, all our demons are
pestering the girls and 72 angels surround us lovable
gentlemen. Old folks wisdom parable underscoring the
genuine adoration for Santa Claus symbols of grandpa,
and why grandma is such a mean old bitch. Ain’t her
fault, just her gender. Hell hath no fury as a woman
worn.

God is a woman. And she cursed her own and blessed all
ye graying gunslingers. She also designed way too much
diversity amongst humans. But this may be another
feminine tactic to keep everybody pissed off and in
constant turmoil.

You boys a mixed batch of bastards and if God can love
ye, I oughta be able too.

I don't care if yer Chinese or Martian, I just like
writing to graying gunslingers and uniformed felons
with bad temper, streaks of violence and a nasty sense
of humor.

White, brown, black, red or yellow, don't let sticks
and stones break yer balls, names will forever hurt
you. That is, if ye don't get out much.

Fact of the matter. We are all very different and
we're not supposed to all get along. With the bottom
feeders of any race that is. If I preferred
like-minded morons, I’d hang out at a church, a prison
or a zoo. Not a quaint drinking village with a
terrible fishing problem.

Fuck all. Humans are invariably racist, laugh or cry I
don’t give a fuck. It takes all types to screw up the
universe. Unlimited diversity yields unlimited
potential. Or just bunch of dumb natives, it’s up to
us. Excellence is the best cure for racism. Dumber’n
shit? I’ll hate ye regardless of the color of your
stinky dick.

Given the choice of living with all Finns or all
Eskimos, I think I’ll have bourbon and brew. Make that
a double, on me.

If any of you graying gunslingers are bored, or
thirsty, pop by or shoot me a call @4329. There’s cold
beer in the fridge and a decent merlot in the
cupboard.

Karl.

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