"It's not that we should stop laughing at drunken native jokes. It's that us natives should stop drinking"

Top of the morning gents,

Goddamned phone just went from an irritant that never
becomes a pearl, to a pleasant surprise.

Now imagine this? I fucking pert near talked my mind
hard. I'm anti-clockwise in seasonal matters of
homicide and Picasso crime scene creations, so you'll
have to beg my pardon whilst "I shove it on down into
overdrive" (Hotrod Lincoln). Summer is fucking over
with and so is my surly tension and hostilities that
mirror and come and go with too much sun.

I ain't the only one and here's how I can tell. Ye
bastards been phoning more as that goddamned sun gits
the fuck outa yer gun sights.

K6, Commander Craig, Agent Octuck, Columbo and a few
murderous sons of fucks from yonder continents, with
shitty accents and on counterfeit Nokia cell phones:
criminals out of satellite surveillance and equal
latitude as you graying gunslingers.

We all been a might manic, so much snowfall and right
fucking on nighttime walkabouts frigid. Staggering
vistas lunar with stars so darn sparkly I swear I
thought I'd taken acid fer breakfast, instead of
Methylphenidate.

Me bunnik's cycling rate is also pushing telltales on
her tachometer. 'Go visit eh Karluk? Nutmoon. Just
out. Mailockseek?. Yoy.' And fer those of ye that
comprehend river rat dialect; ye might be an Alaskan
and truly appreciate evening constitutionals at 27
below zero. Just fucking brilliant.

Got the bright ass lights going, sure as fuck wish I
had some Star Trek pollen plants sprouted. But may
prove problematic since my drinking company is a bunch
of fucking cops.

Oh yeah, hard nipples and drippy dick. In the last few
days I successfully did a Spock mind probe on yer
asses with queries exponential: 20 questions about
real estate maneuvers cubing this number in questions
about radically changing borough and state
administrations.

If any of you foul tempered and justifiably violent
shooters have been on a drunk or stuck in a hotel room
with a naked Eskimo babe, or both, grab yer ass cheeks
and listen up.

Our borough and state are now ruled by Queens.

It's fucking time you quit listening to my arrogant
bullshit about Finland and the NIS-newly independent
states formerly Soviet Bloc Baltic Countries. Pretty
soon we'll be changing the name of the state from
Alaska to Denway, Swedeland or Finstonia or some shit.

I ain't kidding. You obsolete dinosaur motherfuckers
now gotta clue me in on something, what's on the
horizon?

Is Alaska gonna get all faggy like Scandinavia and
offer free education, medicine and transit?

Faggy notion or not, at least offer free medical care
as to equalize our other minorities akin to IHS and
BIA to include blacks, hispanics, orientals. Did I
leave any folks outside the collective non-minority
population?

All these poor folks have experienced how goddamned
groovy being a traditionally disadvantaged entity is.

Now that I think of it, most these folks suffered the
most and for the longest at the hands of my asshole
ancestors. Sucks to be uhmmm, non-albino?

If we add up the last 80,000 years ain't nobody such a
shit ass as Scandinavians. Nup, ain't nobody.

Recent history paints a slightly different picture.
The time clock starts in the year 1066, and the end of
cannibalism too. I've no clue when the rest of ye went
cold turkey on the lukewarm body temp human sushi
knickipaq, but 1066 and the Battle of Hastings
triggered the enlightenment: industrial revolution,
religious reformation.

We’d won all our wars, but as a consequence of
permanently altering worldwide prevailing gene pools
for the better, we stuck around too long and absorbed
too much European, Asian and American thought. Hence
that damn Judeo-Christian thought paradigm virus began
the Viking downfall, artistic, intellectual and
musical pursuits caused us to abandon cultural
traditions yielding Sibelius as a match for Mozart. We
may have inseminated a lot of aboriginal biscuit with
pale alien spooge, but we accidentally sucked up some
pretty righteous and high-minded modern brain
activity. I suspect the same thing happened ‘round
these parts too.

Yup, Christ and Commerce sunk all our battle ships.
Raping for the sake of DNA pollution and pillaging
just for the sake of wrecking other fuckers’ holidays,
smoking thatch and grubbing fellow human rump roasts,
well, just sort out of fell of fashion.

The pagan pussy shredding and beer chasers just didn't
seem to be the proper way to treat another hominid
that also has converted from polytheism to monotheism.
God bless those wretched warring albino retards.
Somewhere I missed out on this cathartic epiphany and
revelation, I still get wood whilst other fuckers
suffer. My dick gets hard at the prospect of
mutilating bad men and bullies.

I’m kidding, I never touched a firearm, nor laid hands
on a fellow human.

Failing to control my poor behavior and in deference
to my overwhelmingly selfish genes, I booked away from
some pretty fucking gay nicey nicey shit, arriving
here. There went the neighborhood. Scumbag from yonder
contributes to a world of misery completely beyond his
control. And yours. If I ain’t writing about crimes
against sub-humanity, I’m committing them.

None of you bastards know anything about difficulties
in behavioral control. My guess is that not a single
one of ye graying gunslingers have committed any
felonies, on this side of that stroke.

If it ain't in the temporal lobes, it never happened.
Leopard can’t change its spots and old dogs even gotta
pay for old tricks. Plus the damaged disc sectors
never defragment.

Those pesky nightmares and daylight flashbacks
yielding mysterious rages and violence unspeakable
ain’t nothing but a thing. Trust me, some things you
CAN drink off yer mind.

Okay, now that we have clear conscience and zero
short-term memory, let me spell it out to you. All you
vicious old coppers and crooks gotta bite yer tongue
with all this 'yes sir' shit and start in on the 'yes
ma’am' shit.

We no longer have the towers of testosterone; you guys
gotta git on board like them fair skinned fairies.
Numerous women served as presidents yonder Vinland,
weird huh?

Makes ye think it's also the reason why the slightly
higher income tax level makes all the mass transit,
medicine and education worth handing our PFD's back to
Uncle, I mean Aunt Samantha by gosh, by golly, by gum.

I don't know if Alaska could ever attain such
enlightenment and social elevation beyond the dripping
misery and maltreatment of the weaker sex, but a Koff
Stout Tram from Homer to Barrow would be pretty
fucking kewl. High-speed rail is way cool to be baked
on. My favorite pastime in egalitarian societies is
smoking some fat chiefs, getting really chinked; hop
aboard bullet trains and then down even more beers and
Finnish white wine (vodka).

At a couple hunnert miles an hour.

No shit. There’s even faster trains in Japan, Germany
and France. The Euro-Rail system still is a matrix of
conventional trains with links to snag the bullet
trains, smoke French or Danish cigarettes, and then
down more champs and Pinot at some pretty fucking
fantastic velocities.

Mind you, in regards to crude oil buying power, these
countries don't have, let's say, the purchasing power
of the United States having nothing to do with world
title in the largest exporter of aircraft, weaponry,
arms and ammunition.

Goddamned pussy ass socially conscious countries with
women presidents and governors and mayors.

Wait, my head was again stuck in my turd cutter;
Alaska and the Northwest Arctic Borough are now manned
by non-men, thus implying all ye graying gunslingers
and uniformed felons are fucking obsolete.

Before any of ye depart this new world, pop by
Columbo’s or 1D25’s quick draw kid’s disposal service
for a list of clients that really loved us. We got
folks all over Alaska that have been just begging us
to use their sinuses as firearms suppressors. See, in
the real world, it’s elderly white men with a
propensity for suicide, not native youth. Better yet,
we tend to take folks with us when we go.

I ain’t recommending murder, but if there’s gonna be a
lot of killing and community clean-up, I pray it’ll be
you lads that’ll be doin’ all the killing. Fuck all,
right mates? “Kill yer partners Max” (James Wood’s
auditory hallucinations in the movie Videodrome).

I'm going to have to tweak my medication. My ears
ain't so good no more and without my glasses I
sometimes take my wife's pills by accident. Just last
weekend my neighbor popped in to match lethal levels
of straight bourbon along with some childhood
amphetamines psychotropic. When I put my glasses on
and discovered us 2 drank motherfuckers had just eaten
a handful of PremPro estrogen supplements, we both
laughed so hard our upper partials into our beer.

I'm so reptilian. My tits are really fucking sore.


Karl.