Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Corrupt Bastards Club. Since we're all Alaskans, we're all members. Fuck all.

Top of the morning gents,

Whew! Close call.

I almost had to fly up to Barrow and flip one of our
apartments again. But no, our tenant sent two
messages: one via bank statement and another via phone
call stating that she desired to stay in our

No shit. After suggesting she could save a bundle on
rent by moving into Low IQ Housing, she did a walk
through inspection of the 2 ghetto squalid shit dumps,
she phoned my back and stated that $1200 is a fair

This may sound high, but not a single one of you
'skimos have ever lived in Barrow, a whole community
that qualifies itself as truly a "higher class of

Whenever you hear comparisons between the varying
levels of poverty across rural Alaska, Luther Jr. and
Felton will do simultaneous high fives, bump hips and
fists, then chime in chorus, "Motherfucking Niff!"

Pert near free natural gas delivers pert near free
heat, hot water and electricity. No shit, our bills
never exceed $200 a month for EVERYTHING. Water,
sewer, garbage, natural gas and electricity.

When I complained to my hunting, raping and drinking
pals that our utilities outside of Barrow were a real
fuck in the ass, their retort was that "it's cuz yer
gay" and "yer ma is a half breed retard."

I fucking love native humor. Straight and to the
point: ethnicity, race and dick skin color amount to
distinguishing criteria of most import.

Felton, Luther Jr., Fat Tony the tundra maggot, Percy
and Perry and Jens, plus a slew of Tikigaq Niffs make
for great child poaching for sport and pleasure. All
native girls can tell that look on a monster's face.

Don't look at me that way; ya'll have porked single
digit biscuit out of sheer masculine amusement and
human cruelty. Out here in the FAZ (fetal alcohol
zone) a little rape makes for happier 'skimo bitches.
Why do you think native women are so complex and
amusing, they've been tortured just as much as all of

I arrived in Alaska in the spring of 1980, right after
a year at UW and a summer all over Europe. And shit
ain't changed in 26 years: flip flop across the pond
or over the north pole for crime and punishment.

My seasonally triggered stir crazy usually sends me
off to school, execute business with me paps or back
overseas for rest and relaxation with really smart
fucking Finns that are genetically perfected for
multiple year drinking vacations.

I get depressed after a few million years partying
around aboriginal darkies; their cultural exposure to
liquor has yet to exterminate the fuck ups and drunken
assholes. Someone really needs to teach the new
generation of runt fuck Inukuns to drink socially,
responsibly whilst achieving a chemically agreeable
singularity in good company and good cheer. Drink to
your health, not injury. Get high, don’t party till ye
puke and fucking die.

My words but a whisper, your deafness a shout. My shit
don't make sense does it?

Parallel universes dudes. That's the spheres of
existence I inhabit: half conceptual and the other
half experiential. As stated before, my personality is
akin to wearing full-length mirror and walking down a
crowded city sidewalk.

The most addictive aspect of Alaska is the subtle
racism prevalent in legislation, game management and
local option law. I also dig all the corruption.

Mind you, ye can't cheat an honest man. Which makes
Alaska the land of opportunity for scam artists,
grifters and drug dealers. Kind of sucks to be a
policeman because community support is glaringly
lacking. Yer on yer own mates.

We got yer backs though. Corruption may be a fact of
life here in Alaska, it comes from runaway government,
socialism and community bullshit economic development
that yields foam panel plants invisible, but absconded
funds 'gone missing.' Since the notion of gray areas
in the application of the law persist, none of the
rules apply to us. Ain’t Alaska great? I call Alaska
“Russia Junior.”

I need to get me one of those Corrupt Bastards Club
hats from Donny Olson or Ben Stevens. The whole world
is corrupt and that's kewl with me.

If yer sick of it, ye gotta move away. America is
right in the middle, dead center in comparison to all
the other shit holes lesser folks call home.

The worst suffering countries can be found in Africa
and South America. I'll attach an article that
explains this shit better'n yer author on drugs.

I don't need to tell all ye graying gunslingers which
countries are LEAST corrupt. You already know, some
folks self-govern better than others. Education is
king and the last fair way to discriminate humans is
by intelligence.

He who governs least governs best. And that motto from
Thomas Jefferson is a common mantra all over
Scandinavia. In the land of the blind, big government
is king.

A ways back, the Helsinki School of Economics gave me
one hell of a going away party and a $1500 Movado
watch for my tenure of service. One Friday I'd
forgotten that same watch on the bathroom sink near
the computer lab. All weekend I worried where the hell
I lost that watch.

Monday, I opened up the computer lab, started all the
machines, went to fill the coffee pot and there on the
sink was my watch. Someone even folded a paper towel
under it like a sort of treasured display.

Why steal when all yer needs are met? Free medical,
free education, free tram/bus/rail passes for
low-income earners and free cafeteria pass cards for
anybody that wants one. ANYONE.

The price for all this? 60% income tax. But without
graduate school or doctoral thesis fees to pay, and
subsidized mass transit saving yer bacon, yer money
ahead. Now if college educations for yer children
ain't in yer budget, then Alaska is more economical
and ignorant.

The tool that eliminates so much corruption is direct
funding of infrastructural programs. The high alcohol
and cigarette VAT value added tax goes directly to pay
for the medical systems. The 100% tax on cars and
excise taxes on gas, tires and oil pay for the free
mass transit system of trams, trolleys, buses and

Big government is impossible to attain. No program
turf battles, no pork spending and zero bribery
scandals like the Abramoff and JewNo, Alaska's shitty
malarkey the FBI is all over like brown on shit.

Scandinavia isn't culturally addicted to petroleum
products. 60-80% of all electricity made in Europe is
nuclear with the most remote regions using recycled
waste products such as pelletized bark, sawdust and
lumber mill scrap that is burned for combined heat and
power. As soon as you implement alternative fuels, the
diaper heads will go away. No more Hamas-cide
bombings, no more terrorism and no more petrol dollars
to fund Sand Nigger politics of non-Muslim genocide.
Americans love their cars and love to burn up nature’s
most complex hydrocarbons. Such wonderful molecules of
myriad adaptability, and we put a match to them.

Big oil don't much like them fucking Scandinegroes.
They ain't got much use for it. Most mass transit is
electric, including the Trans Siberian Railway that
starts in Helsinki, crosses the Russo-Finn border at
Valnikolai and ending near the Bering Sea.

Even the Russian's are smart enough to utilize
electricity in their rail system with track following
the Nordic Power Grid. Routes that divert away from
this power line grid use diesel electric rail cars
much like America's trains. Smart fuckers eh?

Another blessing for Finns: minimal diversity. No
shit, non-Finns are easily spotted. Just look in the
mirror. There aren't any 'bad words' that some other
sod from a darker mother will invariably find
offensive. Sorry, but homogenous cultures minimize
ethnic conflict AND cunt cramps. Finns also adore the
uniqueness of gender.

This adoration of gender specific beauty is so
refreshing. Nordic women are absolutely beautiful and
Nordic men dig it. Vikings did a good job of
kidnapping the world's most beautiful women leaving
the ugly scralings raped and freezing. Most women
around the rest of the world ain't worth bringing back
home to the Motherland.

To dump all boys and girls into the bin labeled
sameness is insane. The product is compromised to such
an extent where everybody loses. Boys are less
masculine and girls less feminine-gotta keep ‘em

Sexism is God’s gift to mankind. Racism is inherently
human and humans are genetically racist. As long as
I’ve shit and pissed, raped and scraped here in
Alaska, I’ll never be part of this culture. Eskimo
folks hate white fucking devils and the current rural
Alaskan culture of dependence and social emasculation
makes me want to lick me ass just to get the taste out
of my mouth. The worst of all races are the mixed
breed motherfuckers: they’re the most militant and
embarrass the shit outa the prettier full-blooded
natives that kind of like guys like us.

For you white trash tribesmen to think yer part of
this Eskimo culture: think again. Yer presence is
merely tolerated and you won’t be missed fer shit
after ye git the fuck out of town. No worries,
there’ll be an asshole half-breed helping you with
your luggage.

Don’t believe me? Just ask Commander Craig. When our
squaws croak, we best be gittin’ on and we won’t let
the door kick us in the ass.

Nuff rants, I gotta go and run some errands. I’ll also
remind you maggots to vote today, even if you vote all
over the ballot, just vote.

I don’t care who wins, I just need to know which way
the wind blows and the harness the inevitable
corruption that follows. Chance favors the prepared
mind and the manipulation of future events will
benefit the forewarned and the forearmed.

My battles rage onward and my lunacy apparent, save a
few moments of silent lucidity and the mad clatter of
a machine gun fingers upon this computer terminal.
Think about it. If I was anything besides an arrogant
Finn, there’d be nobody to write to you blessed
graying gunslingers and uniformed fucking felons every
morning. It’s my nature.

God forbid my next reincarnation births me in Selawik
or worse, Bethel then for sure I’d know I was a
fucking retard. For the time being, you can simply
assume I’m one.

You boys have a good morning; I just rang the division
bell. Again.

Have gun, will travel.



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