Saturday, April 15, 2006

"Why do you drink?" "Why do you smoke?" "Well it's a Scandic tradition." So is slavery and cannibalism.

Top of the morning gents,

Good chats, that's what works best for me.

With the Mrs. topside way North of Los Anchorage and
no longer sitting with me each blessed morning, I got
fucking jipped (derivative: gypt by gypsies).

So, what did I do? I went up and visited my dudes at
the Tesoro station, mooched free coffee and stood out
front with a gaggle of black folks and a few scruffy
white guys that worked the counter or hauled freight
in from the trucks.

Them folks are from EVERYWHERE: Georgia, Alabama and
Texas no less.

This morning we chatted how the drug scene in East
Anchoragua "has gone to shit." This black dude with a
gnappy ass scarf on his flea bitten head proceeded to
tell me that he and his boys only do "gin and juice
and burnt hooters." Not the crack and meth that kilt a
shitload of his brethren.

I slung a few slogans how my Eskimo hunting and raping
pals tend to stick with "green beer and green toke",
which evoked a cacophony of Nigerian cackling and
brown tooth laughter.

When I told them that back home in Barrow I earned the
titles of 'stink man', 'unnuk man', 'oochuk boy' and
'Nigger' everybody busted a gut.

I asked 'em what was so funny and they laughed at me
even more: just the way I like it. I'm the preferred
punching bag, odd man out and the butt of my very own
sick humor-and the crowd loves this.

Seems black folks get a kick outa tall Finns getting
called these cute Afro-euphemisms derivative of 70's
TV, BET, and Comedy Central.

Unlimited diversity equals unlimited possibilities,
fuck all.

Fetching tales you boys already wrote, I relayed
stories of our dude Black Bird, aka William Byrd.

"Fuck you Lorin, only Karl call Black Bird."

Why would a black soldier specify that only I use
racist sluggage on him, yet nobody else?

This am coffee club at Tesoro stared intently at me as
I told them dazzling tales of blowing dogs into ground
chuck, letting drunks in cuffs bust their skulls
against brick walls, fighting a trio of skimo-mukes
behind Hanson's and splitting Martin Ocktolik up the
middle like a cedar shingle.

I can't remember if I confided with you boys about
that last one.

After Joe and Jeff arrested this combative Point Grope
drunk monkey fucker, he proceeded to tell me that he
was gonna go kill bun and fuck Sara just as soon as he
bailed out.

My retort lacked vocabulary, but my toe sunk deep up
his rectum as his gonads flattened on my boot. Hence,
no bun killing, no 9-year old Sara Magnum rape. I know
that incest is normal amongst the aboriginals, it just
don't include all of 'em. Two darky bitches that are
excluded are my wife and daughter: you'll have better
success sucking one of my dogs.

Dopey, Shep, Lucky and Dino are all game for Kivilina
blowjobs and canine pussy, even if it's stinking on
the bottom of a NANA shareholder. Of course if ye go
Hawley on me, good luck gettin' a nut in my dog's ass,
they'll be eating Selawik sausage and mashed assholes
for brecky.

I don't know, maybe a Doberman, Husky-shep, or Pitbull
mongrel will let ye mount-n-grown on 'em, but I
fucking doubt it.

As we chatted on, a black gal asked me a million
questions about 'them natives', like y'all were lower
aliens, or lesser retard accidents. Even lower folks
on the totem pole look down on natives with dark

Talk about a captive audience. Fuck I shocked the shit
outa them NigerMericans. I must have abused them for
almost an hour, gallons of java and cigs.

The sickest joke I pitched was an oldie but a goodie.

In the last decade or so, a lot of black folks have
moved out to rural Alaska and onto the reserves. When
I asked my Eskimo hunting and raping pals what they
thought of all these blacks moving out onto the rez,
they said 'no prob dude', 'they taste just like

Whereupon mr. Gnappy scarf niger-man stated that
"Induns are proof Spics had sex with the buffalo."

Tough crowd. Ain't no hating, just a lot of laughter
relief indicating that racial tensions in Alaska are
still sharp and jagged, yet funnier'n shit. The recent
political correctness and gay agendas have exacerbated
this. Blacks may be minorities but get real pissy when
I add 'homosexuals' as if they were like Gooks, dinks,
japs, and nigerians.

Like Yauney told me in the computer lab at UAF, "you
can't get rid of racism and discrimination with MORE
racism and discrimination.

Bill Cosby raged that blacks have accepted the term
'Nigger' and have also sadly accepted being one. Ouch.

Morgan Freeman went on to ridicule black history day
or black month recognition. He said it was
condescending and irritating.

"We don't have a month for any other folks like Jew
Month or White Month, why blacks?"

"I say just quit talking about it."

"Now we have a whole generation of folks demanding
skin color based quotas and entitlements void of any
merit or achievement."

"If we simply reward accomplishment, the issue of skin
color takes a powder."

If you maggots don't already know, both "Bill Cosby
and Morgan Freeman have doctorate degrees and were on
the innovating teams creating Sesame Street and
Electric Company." (A. Sanders-KOTZ)

Dare I venture to say that Cosby and Freeman are far
smarter than present company?

I don't recommend any of ye start yacking and
squacking in the middle of a crowd of black folks like
yer auther on drugs. Could be dangerous if you can't
make folks laugh at themselves by ridiculing your own
dumb ass first.

When the bus pulled up to the curb we all shook hands
and swapped smiles, all departed feeling better and
more alive. I like folks, you know that?

I walked down Boniface a few yards, crossed over to my
street and come here to tell you about my morning
Mexican brecky surrounded by a slew of slaves, unaware
they are free.

I'm tacky, this I know. But I truly believe my foul
language, big smile and generous heart are the reason
I'm always sent back: I ain't finished my ungodly duty

Guess I gotta few more centuries to comfort, challenge
and run rough shod on all you maggots. As stated
before, I undoubtedly have a lower IQ than all of ye,
just don't tell anyone.

We're all free to fulfill our duties to the big guy
manning the helm. The only reason I'm held back
repeatedly is cuz I can't find my ass with both hands
and I'm having a hard time understanding this meaning
to life.

Do as I say, not as I do. Any other mouthy fucker
duplicating my comedic racist and sexist diatribe
within a crowd of restless African natives would
likely be killed.

Nup, not me.

As my majority crowd of minorities climbed onto the
PeopleMover Bus, gnappy scarf shook my hand, bid me
farewell and then invited me to pop in again tomorrow
morning "to bullshit before you fly up to Kotzebue."

I think he can see through my ruse and sees something
good in me.

Only God knows what.



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