Saturday, February 25, 2006

Older the goat, the longer the horn.

Top of the morning gents,

Dope or diapers.

Remember that dopeheaded coloquialism?

Well, now I'm discovering why my stress level tweaks for varietal reasons both here in Los Anchorage and way up north at my beloved quarter million dollar duplex.

I can't drag and drop Mr. Wobbly all over hell and back, especially if the kids are 'round. Neither Sara Magnum nor her dueling subsistence chitlens ought not see me tugging and pulling on the fat bat, nor dispensing meds with the extra large throat gaper.

Smart infants and children will NEVER let me git my tit-fill. Ain't no peace with Children. Ain't no piece neither, goddamn it.

I can't even shock them sawed off 'Skimos into catatonic silence any longer. I'll have to come up with an even more offensive and abrasive request than, "You kids shut the hell up, I'm going upstairs to fuck yer grandma!"

Nope. Now they repeat this to their mommy, thus why gramps is always the bad guy, and why he takes his drugs with coffee in the morning.

"Hi, my name is Ewel Gibbons, ever eat a pine tree?" "I have, most parts are edible." (Grape Nuts Spokesman and Naturalist-1976)

That's me, 'cept I eat shit. And lots of it. If any of you've been the only swinging dick in a crowd of cunning little runts or running little cunts, ye best put up, shut up and simply enjoy the discomforting fem-psyche group-think, the ever arousing view AND the aroma.

Beats sniffing farts and bong water in the back seat of an old Dodge Dart or 66 Ford Econoline van with yer drug buddies anyday. Amen?

What my erectile curious mind wants to know is, did anybody ever eat a sperm whale without kneepads, with better teeth than Linda Lovelace and her theatric massage and pecker snot paintable clitoral misplacement pert near a foot below her esophagus.

Since Cully and Bill Pace worked at gimp shacks wheeling and wiping mini-limbed droolers for a living, I got to experiment in all kinds of killer cereal non-consensual sex. As we say in the incest livestock porn industry, I've earned my red badge of courage. I can be macho.

I'm not sure you should be laughing. I seen some of the animals and minorities yer dicks have gaped, so fuck ye.

Ain't too erotic: an image of a gimp choking down a John Holmes Salami Breakfast Sausage? Now I'm chuckling. Or more perverse, my villagic-enquiring mind wants to know how much meat can a disfigured girl with a scarred up face pack in her mouth.

Some day I'll tell ye. Now that's avant-garde creep show sex.

Akin to 'how much wood can a woodchuck chuck' analogy by watching handicapped midgets spaz on a baseball bat is mighty arousing, but watching trolls swing on and bite off more than they can chew is down right hilarious.

Like I tell Squish, the reason I like fucking midgets is cuz my dick looks so fucking huge sticking out the backa their stumpy ass cheeks.

But if you've got a hunkerin' fer some chubby-chubby gimp splitting, phone my secret admirer and stalker bitch at Mikunda Cottrell.

You didn't know that I have a secret admirer did ye?

I do. And I attract scores of 'em.

My bunnik is amazed at how psycho white bitches are. Maybe is just me, but I get targeted by aggressive cunts lacking color, tact or intellectual prowess and vaginally unemployed. It don't matter if I'm in line at the airport, hotel or downtown doing business with my rather pretty wife right fucking next to me.

These bitches ain't even good looking enough for me to take the bag off my head and barely worth fucking with Blanchard's dick. I ain't kidding, put on a sport coat and yer seriously psycho-bitch bait leaving white trash slug tracks all over yer shit.

Combat sex. Gimp Sex. Miss it. Not.

Okay. Maybe.

I'm married. Meaning I get to make grown men chuckle with outlandish tales that never happened with characters and readers that never existed. My editor in chief has her way with me, so long as the little ones are at daycare or chemically chained to the ceiling.

I was never there. I didn't do it. This is my story and I'm sticking to it.

I miss being retired. I sure wish I was 60 again.


My new mantra oughta go like this "tit-fill or poopy butt chores."


Men in Their Fifties Score High on Satisfaction Scale

By the time the 50s come along the children have flown the
nest, enabling men to enjoy quality time with their
partner in and out of bed. It used to be that reaching his
half-century made a man feel old, but not any more.

Today's fifty-something still has a twinkle in his eye and
a more enjoyable sex life than a man in his 30s and 40s, a
survey has revealed.

In fact he even rates himself with the next generation,
claiming satisfaction almost equal to a 20-year-old.

Experts who questioned more than 1,000 volunteers found
that while their sex drive has reduced with age, the
50-pluses enjoy themselves more than men in their 40s and
a lot more than the least satisfied age group, men in
their 30s.

The researchers suggested that fifty-somethings may be
more comfortable with their sex lives because they no
longer have to worry about the pressures of building a
career or looking after young children and can concentrate
on having fun.

James Bond Factor

The study conducted by researchers in Norway and the US
could soften the blow of reaching 50 and provide hope for
millions of men who look forward with dread to "middle

It could be the James Bond factor, with Pierce Brosnan at
52 only just retired from Hollywood's sexiest role. Then
there's Richard Gere at 55 and Mel Gibson, Kevin Costner
and Bruce Willis, all 50 and still playing ladies' men.

The results showed a very strong correlation between men
getting older and reduced sexual functioning, but not
between age and sexual satisfaction.

"Our results show that although men experience more
problems and less sexual function as they get older, it
doesn't necessarily follow that they are less satisfied
with their sex lives," said Professor Sophie Fossa,
co-author of the report.

Sex Life Satisfaction Stats

A team of researchers from universities in Norway and the
Harvard Medical School in the US conducted an anonymous
postal questionnaire of 1,185 Norwegian men.

They were asked to rate their satisfaction with various
aspects of their sex life from zero to four, with four
representing no problems.

The results, published in the current-issue of the British
Journal of Urology, were surprising.

Men in their 20s recorded an average satisfaction level of
2.79. The second highest was among fifty-somethings, who
scored a satisfaction rating of 2.77.

Men in their 30s reached 2.55 while men in their 40s
averaged 2.72.

After the age of 59, overall satisfaction fell
significantly to 2.46 for men in their 60s and 2.14 for
those in their 70s.

'Innate Confidence' in 50-Somethings

The researchers said that various reasons may explain the
findings relating to sexual satisfaction in different age

For many men, their 20s is a period of sexual
experimentation with a new partner or partners. But those
in their 30s may find themselves coping with the twin
pressures of starting a family and building a career.

By the time the 50s come along the children have flown the
nest, enabling men to enjoy quality time with their
partner in and out of bed.

Patti Birch, a sex and relationship therapist, said: "By
this age the children have left home and you have more
money to spend. At the same time you have reached the peak
of your career and if you need to get drugs like Viagra,
they are available. Also, at that age men are more expert
at knowing what they like sexually and much better than
younger men who are still learning sexual expertise. There
is an innate confidence in a man who's reached his 50s."


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