Saturday, August 20, 2005

A Knick Arm Bridge May Save From Dick Heads Like Me.

Top of the morning gents,

Some issues just never die.

I want to wade in to the Knik Arm Bridge fray, cuz it
may be significant to examine the pros and cons of
building a beautiful giant bridge between Anchorage
and Wasilla, the region where almost 2/3 of Alaska's
population lives and commutes.

*The drive from Wasilla into Los Anchorage for work
every day will roll 50+ miles on your odometer, 50+
miles to return home.

*The actual distance 'as the crow flies' is under 5
miles. Driving such a circuitous route along the Glenn
burns GTO (gas, tires, and oil), plus winter studs and
tons of pavement.

Personally, I like the Glenn Highway drag race outa
Los Anchorage. I've frequently reached over 100mph and
have been pulled over and ticketed 6 times whilst
behaving like such a neutered beta male.

I used to think wreckless and aggressive driving were
admirable behaviors. My superiors at Mat-Su Narcotics
gave up eliminating my traffic violations after they
discovered I was a dumb ass behind the wheel too.

Another insight into my lead foot dysfunction: I'm
racing grandpas and grandmas, mommies and daddies,
boys and girls: the professionals are out on the
track, not risking the lives of elderly automotive
pedestrians merely commuting to work, or to buy blow
in Anchoragua or weed in Big Lake.

Me bunnik and I used to pick out the fastest
Continental or Town Car, speed testing rental cars of
every shape and size. We also always packed a camera
to photo all the abysmal car wrecks we passed roaring
down the Parks Highway or the Glenn.

Call me a dumb ass. My penchant for photography should
have served as a tool of moronic insight. All those
wrecks I found so fascinating should've had my torso
crimped inside them.

As all of you know, I'm not the only hard drinking,
hard partying, and hard driving Alaskan. That's why I
love Alaska, assholes like me abound plentifully.

"I'm an asshole, yer an asshole, wouldn't ya like to
be an asshole too?"

"Be Alaskan, be a fucking dickhead." (kyped Dr. Pepper
jingle)

With a bridge across to Wasilla, the Glenn can become
an option for hyper-retarded dickheads like myself,
and citizens that live in Eagle River etc like K7
Garoutte.

Too many Alaskans die needlessly commuting the Glenn
every day. Even without aggressive chumpfaggots
upsetting normal and calm traffic patterns, that
stretch of driving is lethal; winter and summer.

As far as the affected communities, we don't have to
give a shit any longer, the US Supreme Court restated
emminent domain granting the State of Alaska and the
Cities of Anchoragua and Wasilla freedom to demolish
any shit ass neighborhood they see fit.

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Every neighborhood needs to learn the Eskimo
perspective. As with every village and child, some ya
gotta leave behind. We all know this lesson. How many
kids does this group of killers have roaming the
planet unaware their fathers are have zero discretion
where we force our dicks and season rank meats?

I'd love to see Government Hill and all of Mountain
View bulldozed for a magnificent bridge across the
bay. Fuck, I'll happily pay a toll if one is imposed.

Mind you, like Juneau, Anchoragua is just another
suburb of my hometown, Seattle. Likewise, mass transit
is DOA, hence forcing all of us to continually build
larger highways and more bridges to afford our
uniquely American luxury of drinking and eating,
sleeping and shitting in our cars. Efficiency can go
to hell, we like obesity and hate our own neighbors:
the 'other freaks' we'll likely see on every fucking
bus, tram, or train.

We can't refuse to accept the facts of life unique to
rapidly growing municipalities.

As with all American endeavors at mass transit, only
retard droolers, mini-limbed wheelers, and minorities
ride busses or rail. If you want to take an automobile
away from a fat fucking Alaskan, you'll have to pry it
from our frozen and dead rectums.

*My arguments would be reversed if we decided to build
light rail like a BART (gay area mass transit) or
trams and trains, then the use for such a magnificent
bridge would be zero, thus my previous diatribal
discharge moot.

Autos are our birth rite, just like a few billion
Injuns (dots, not feathers) and chinks with tiny ricey
dicks (Eddie Murphy).

I'm cool either way. I love racing resource wasting
cars, but enjoy chatting and reading, even dozing on
Finnish Trams and Trolleys.

Since us Alaskans are dumber'n fuck compared to those
Finns, we can't resist producing the worst of both
worlds: crowded highways or dysfunctional,
disorganized mass transit.

I like them arrogant Vikings: ya can enjoy a Koff
Stout on yer tram ride home from work. It ain't no
crime to have a cold one if ya ain't behind the wheel.
Here in Alaska we just lowered our legal blood alcohol
limit to .08 down from .10.

Them Finns, Swedes, and Norsemen may be racist blond
haired blue eyed separatists, but the legal blood
alcohol limit has been .02 for over 20 years. Even an
Alaskan hangover would put yer ass in jail for over 30
days; first DWI (driving while Inupiaq) offense.

Riding high speed rail along the Glenn from Anchoragua
to Green Bud Central would be rather pleasant:with or
without a bar car for my ethnically specific safe
indulgence in strong beer or spirits.

Is that kewl or twat?

Karl.

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