Friday, July 08, 2005

Drinking and Smoking is only for the rich.

Top of the morning gents,

Freedom is a bitch.

As with all of Alaska, Shitbanks residents are free to
choose their elected officials. Even if yer a dumbass
and don't vote, ya still gotta dog in that fight.

Squarebanks residents are also free to vote in new
taxes for pert near anything they want; fuel taxes,
school levies, tobacco taxes, and ESPECIALLY alcohol
taxes.

I like watching local residents flexing their
groinular structures too. Know what I mean?

The North Star Borough has been slugging it out with
The Interior Cabaret, Hotel, Restaurant and Retailers
Association over a new 5% booze tax.

Fair is fair, we've elected our advocacy group: the
bad guys can hire theirs too.

I like sin taxes. Big, heavy sin taxes. I want
Alaska's tobacco and alcohol taxes higher than fucking
Sweden.

Don't get me wrong, drinking and smoking is a
honorable hobby and I enjoy partaking in those
inseparable two: neither is complete without the
other.

Like "coffee and bong hits" or my UK counterpart "tea
and toke", cigarettes and alcohol are like the souls
of woman: a heavenly match created in hell.

Bourbon, Alaskan Amber, and a good smoke comprise a
trinity of chemical bliss far more pleasurable than
sitting on a rock hard pew, smelling yer brethren, and
singing retarded songs from worn books. As I ride my
mountain bike past churches in Eskimo villages, I
frequently hear animal sacrifices that sound like
toothless women screaming out of tune.

Drinking and smoking is a selfish pleasure. I also
believe that such self-indulgence should have a
benefit to our community. Thus my support of any tax
that hoists nicotine and alcohol out of the hands of
children and the poor, safely isolating this bi-polar
duality of chemical bliss in the yin-yang existence of
only the rich.

Ain't nothing better than to relax in a sidewalk cafe
on a sunny Sunday afternoon outside the LatsiPalaza
(Glass Palace) in downtown Helsinki.

The human ego grows and expands when surrounded by
criminal partners of equal despicability and good
looks. Dwayne, Timo, and Paul Quinn enjoyed chocolates
and champs, schnapps and ales, and espressos and
cigarettes every Sunday afternoon.

What a coincidence? So did I.

But a significant difference between Finland and
Fairbanks is that in Finland, ya gotta be rich to
enjoy such flamboyance and arrogance. Scandinavia
learned a long time ago that sin taxes maintain far
more community control over an industry than
prohibition.

To sit at the table reserved for rich obnoxious
Euro-trash, yer gonna pay dearly. But it's worth it.
This tall felon from Alaska rather relished the chance
to hang around a crew of well-dressed trust fund
snobs.

Like the Brittish tradition of buying 'rounds' instead
of buying individual drinks or fighting over bar tabs,
we each took turns covering our entire Sunday food and
drink bill individually.

To surround myself with such overt wealth and
masculine snobbery, it was my pleasure to pay the
total tab every four or five visits. Since I was
spending ill gotten gains from unjust enrichment, the
sting one feels when staring down at a 1,000 mark
($400.00) food and bar tab ain't so bad.

Plus we purchased the privilege: 22% VAT (value added
tax) went directly into the Finnish Health Care
System, with a little less greasing the palms and
lining the pockets of the restaurant manager, another
blond like-minded felon, Marku Kussinen.

What we most enjoyed was the fact the most Europeans
could never afford to join us. The rich are rightfully
justified in bragging about paying 90% of all the
civilized world's taxes.

All of us graying gunslingers are landed gentry and
men of substance: be arrogant in your indulgences and
in your contributions to state and local social
programs.

The poor are always nibbling out of our feeding
trough. We now see an inverse relationship between
income and daily caloric intake. Jesus fuck, now the
poor are gulping down rich foods faster than us fat
cats.

I believe we oughta make drinking and smoking an
indulgence only enjoyed by the rich.

5% tax hike? Fuck no. I say a 20% tax hike, I'm sick
of seeing shit ass poor folks stinking up my favorite
watering holes.

I have a birthday celebration this June 30th: I pray
it snows, 44 years of hell raising. I’ll pay all you a
visit to yer gravesites in another 44 years by pouring
some really good bourbon on ye, after I filter it
through me kidneys first, fuck ye.

I expect to knock back a long line of double bourbons
and beers. I also expect to hork down plumes of
carcinogens too. Ya see, you can eat the rich, but ya
can't afford to drink and smoke with them.

Since my neighborhood has no sin taxes, just ignorant
prohibition, I'm going to enjoy myself immensely, yet
not put a single penny towards my community social
programs.

Now if rural Alaska had a 25% tax on my indulgences, I
wouldn't be so unfairly spoiled. The best taxes are
voluntary taxes.

According to Adam Ant, if "Ya don't drink, don't
smoke, what do ya do?" Yer probably home jerking off
while Tom Peters or some Noatak bag of puke is porkin'
yer wife and children.

June 30, Barrow, Alaska. Fine day to send your regards
to the Muktuk Man. The weather is here, wish you were
great. My arrogance is only equaled by my generosity.

The only way to pay zero taxes is to earn and spend
zero money, an option I loathe.

Like the Moron Theory, if a little bit works: put
'more on.' If a 5% tax increase helps, lets peg the
throttle and put a 25% tax on every bottle.

It's simply depressing to see poor people drink and
smoke.

Karl.

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