Sunday, April 03, 2005

RFP's and goat sex.

Top of the morning gents,

Apologies for the scant discourse, I’ve been busy.

I spent the last 2 weeks putting my MBA to work, and it’s giving me a real fucking headache.

The North Slope Borough School District published an RFP, request for proposal to provide rental housing. Every year, the local school district secures housing for their teaching staff.

The proposal is due on April 4, 2005 at 10:00am, but the Mrs. and I brought our paperwork down yesterday afternoon. Then I shit a fucking brick.

Wake up fucks. This is a 3-year lease agreement, and my crystal ball only reflects an ugly turd squeezer with red eyes, long hair, and foul disposition. If rents decline, I’m cool. If rents rise, I’m locked into a long-term (over 1 year = long term) lease; on the cheap. Fuck me in the goat ass.

My sample market is easy. There’s a half dozen identical duplexes within a stoner’s throw, and I know all the monthly leases.

Some drugs allow me to elicit more information than ethically acceptable. Truth serums can be smoked, snorted, and chugged, but the best is always alcohol. Jawbones from the descendants of both Siberia, and Southeast Asia will start squacking and jacking if the fuel/air ratio is optimum.

Ya can never have too much blood in yer alcohol system.

For these 6 identical duplexes, I’ve got sample rents ranging from $1250 per month, $1400 per month, pegging out at $1750. Don’t forget to double them to calculate monthly cash flow, cuz we'll be renting both sides of our duplex.

No shit, scary rents for a subdivision named after a clan of retards built next to Unnuk Lake.

The smell of raw Mongoloid ass paint ain’t the smell of victory. If you think yer tough, me and Nasruk will hold yer homo hand and walk you along the snow fence to where I let the neighbor’s dogs swim, and where subsistence fecus will gag and blind you a hunnert times better’n pepper mace. No shit, it’s that bad.

Again, the school district is the guarantor for payment and repairs, but they’ve specified lowest rent, livability, bus transit route convenience, and allowing dogs and cats. Locked in revenue stream for 3 years, with rights of first refusal for another 3-year lease.

We’re talking way cool shit here. I suppose my fixed costs are a steep mortgage, insurance, and property taxes. Remember property taxes?

You NANA Regional niggers bitch about poverty, it’ll vanish the instant you forcefully divert drug and alcohol monies into public sector infrastructure.

Guess you all like living in shit. Barrow has truly mastered spending habits that’ll never heal. Just like the fire hall and 3 new fire trucks in Kiana; ain’t no roads so they’ve been sealed and locked up like a museum novelty. Some village spending resembles numb nut motherfuckers dummer’n a post.

What I’ve been agonizing over is selecting a rent that won’t over shoot my competitors, but not too low that I’m double fisting myself. Make sense?

The Mrs. was cool with her first figure all along. My two demons, Fear and Greed, yanked my blankets off and woke me late at night just too fuck around with the simplest of mathematics. What an analytical buggering.

3-year lease. Shit.

I gotta get my shit together on or before July 1, 2005. Moving is easy, the real work begins when I start running behind caulking guns, beer cans, and paint rollers.

I’m happy to report that as of the date we dropped off our RFP (request for proposal) I spied only 5 names on the list of those that came in and TOOK a packet, no clue how many were completed and returned.

My gramps swears he only loses money when he stands on the sidelines and throws rocks.

After next week’s inspection, I’ll let you know what the announcement is.

I’ll also let you know if I’m a dumb ass.



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