Friday, February 04, 2005

Sex, drugs, and statistical significance.

Top of the morning gents,

Just goofing around with statistics, damn tempting to monkey the results. Sort of like asking an accountant what 2 + 2 equals; he’ll get up, close the door, draw the blinds, then whisper in your ear, “what do you want it to equal?” You boys in blue are damn lucky you ain’t tasked with white collar crime.

I like tomfoolery with numbers, especially when it’s only numbers. Problem with statistics, the numbers are actual people standing all over my damn graph, sort of a pleasing dispersion akin to a shotgun blast, or spectral spread with a nice shift towards one parameter or another.

As asserted in a previous essay on statistical analysis, the collection of survey data and the computing of the results is usually very scientific. The interpretation of all your cluster fuck data is usually very artistic. You fags want a fucking example of artistic statistical analysis really close to all your hearts and sorry asses?

Long ago, before all you delicate children were even fucking hatched, Dr. Jan Shackles was the only blessed soul who’d come sit and talk with me when I pulled all night hospital guard duty at MMC. Smart lady, now deceased angel, was killed in a car accident on a Good Samaritan mission saving a few million lives in some African disease trough. I’ve mentioned that blessed lady’s name numerous times, classy broad like Jan Shackles already earned unlimited mention in my book. Dean6Killer and Columbo also dropped in for a visit, hot coffee and smokes, bring me with fresher gun magazines and Richard Marcinko novels. Hunnert years of graveyard shifts have sure worn a hole in this soul. Know what I mean mates?

One medical survey was conducted in Kotzebue decades ago. Technicians collected numbers on all sorts of viruses, infections, and PID (pelvic inflammatory disease) samples on a region, state, and nationwide scale. All the data was compiled and forwarded to the statisticians, and the results were published in the New England Journal of Medicine detailing the ‘relative rates of infection amongst native BS’ etc…not one fucking inoculation, pill, or rat poison douche was prescribed. Purely informational, no needle craft hypodermic action. Poor subjects malingered in their reservation bliss without antibiotic or antiviral relief.

If you doubt me, take a nap and ask Grandma Mag, she’ll set you straight, she confirmed Dr. Shackles story, she was on the medical team the undertook such a Herculean undertaking. Both them gals are beyond existential communication now, that’s why you gotta dial up when yer not conscious. Ya see, when you go to sleep we all disappear, patiently waiting for your awake, it’s your universe, we ain’t real. Alaska’s mistreatment of its most beautiful asset, it’s aboriginal women, is very real.

Kinda chokes me up too. To think we live in a state that historically neglected it’s girls, at many levels, be they our sisters, moms, grandmums, or wives, village, region, borough. You bastards don’t need any marching orders. One look at yer knuckles, ya done just fine. In the most remote parts of China, you can find a generator and a sonogram, gotta shop vac them chicklet bitches into the next caste afore they beg for more than canine rights.

Next life, I’ll segregate my drug and alcohol consumers by race. Each ethnicity has its favorite self-indulgence and extermination choice of poisons to party with.

All colors of folks like all drugs of choice, just in varying levels.

My black customers bought roughly 20% chronic smoke 80% cocaine.
My red customers bought roughly 80% chronic smoke 20% cocaine.
My white customers bought roughly 50% chronic smoke 50% cocaine.
Never had any yellow customers. Sorry.

I intentionally omitted the most destructive drugs, cigarettes and liquor. If I add sugar to my thesis, and expand my sample population to include Ukpeagviks, my assertion that cigs, pop, and candy serve as a marvelous pattern and narcissistic behavior of self indulgent addictiveness lay the groundwork for a wonderfully crafted alcoholic.

Gateway drugs really fucking ought to be reevaluated and modified to include sugar, nicotine, and ethanol. Oh, and another important aspect to living with dis-ease, these are also the primary revenue drivers to our economy in bush Alaska.

You gents don’t need a primer in the varietal methodologies different colored folks chug brewskies and whiskeys.

In the state of Alaska, 84% of all cases of FAS/FAE (spectral symptoms) are Native children. Alaska women ages 16-44 are far more prone to binge drinking than all other 49 states. Shit, they gotta binge drink if they’re gonna fuck us ugly mukes. Every fucking Alaskan woman’s mantra: “I’m gonna drink you pretty.” In the game of weird fucking ugly men in the Arctic, the odds are good, but damn son, the goods are odd. Ever masturbate with a shop vac? Ya mite be an Alaskan.

Native Alaskans comprise 17% of the states population. Only women have babies, so we’re talking 8% of the entire state population is pumping out 84% of all fetal alcohol damaged infants. Chemical interference between the mother and infant is likely the devil in the details. Pun intended.

See, it’s fun when it’s only numbers, makes a grown man cry to see it’s our own loved ones.

Carry on gentlemen,



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